My boyfriend is bulimic

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
My boyfriend is bulimic
4
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 6:03pm
Hi everyone,

It's pretty easy to find information out there on body image issues in relation to women, but my boyfriend is bulimic and I would like to be supportive of him as he fights his mind in an effort not to go on this way.

He has a bigger body shape--his body could and would carry a lot more weight than it does if he let it. However, he works out a lot--he does situps with huge weights on his chest. I, on the other hand, don't work out as much as I should. I'm about 10 pounds overweight (and I intend on losing it anyway, at my own pace) but something he said concerns me. I realize that his problems with body image stem from his mother and sisters and their perception of beauty. All of them are very thin and very blond. My boyfriend is attracted to me, but (and this is hard for me to hear) he doesn't exactly know why since I do not fit that bill. He likes petite women, and I am petite, and our personalities obviously have a great deal to do with why we are together. However, ever since I told him "I looked really good at 120," he can't stop knowing how much happier he'd be if I was 120.

Body image really isn't a concern of mine. In fact, I tend to avoid tv because I'm sick of seeing how I'm *supposed* to look as opposed to how normal people do look. I have a complete lack of understanding as to what is going through his mind. He isn't the type of guy that would say anything about his girlfriend's weight in a chauvanistic way... in fact, he's more liberal minded than I am, calls himself a feminist, and is comfortable with his heterosexuality.

I guess I don't really think about body image that much... maybe when I eat ice cream or when my pants get a little tight, or when I have my period and my weight goes up. I explained that I'm not about to go altering my body to fit any image, and if that's what he'd wanted, he should have found someone that looked that way instead of me. Now I kind of feel weird for NOT having body image issues. I almost feel like I shouldn't lose the 10 lbs. that I was going to lose just because he said I should lose them.... if that makes sense.

I'm also dreadfully afraid of meeting his family. I understand how he sees me as beautiful, but I doubt they'll get it. I've always assumed that someone would love me for who I am, not how I look. I'm not ugly or anything but I am no glamor queen. Despite his reassurances that he loves me, which I know are true...I just feel completely unsettled. I feel weird now for not wanting to obsessively lose 10 lbs. I feel weird taking off my shirt in front of him. I feel like every time he looks at me he thinks 'if only she was ten pounds thinner." ... and then I feel guilty for not wanting to BE that thinner person. I'm also going back on birth control. I know that I will be gaining weight because of that, too.

Is there anyone else out there that has dated a man with an eating disorder? How does it affect you? I feel like I don't see what he is trying to tell me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:14pm
I'm a little confused by your post. You say that you think your boyfriend is bulimic, but all you talked about is his poor body image, towards himself and you. Have you actually caught him binging and purging, or has he actually told you that he does this? Just because he has a distorted body image does not mean that he is bulimic. When you are bulimic, you are using food as a way to cope with other emotions that may be difficult to deal with. I know this because I am bulimic. While I'm not male, I presume that the symptoms are the same for either sex. Most people who are bulimic also suffer in some degree from depression. Has he shown signs of depression (lack of motivation, problems sleeping, weight gain/loss, problems eating, etc)? Is this something you're discussed with him at all?

I'm also a little concerned about the comment he made about you losing ten pounds. You are right when you said that you thought you'd find someone who'd love you for you and not what you look like. That's the way it should be. If he has issues with you physical appearance, then he's not worth your time. I'm sorry if that may seem harsh, but it's true. You should be with someone who loves you completely, not someone who's trying to change you so you fit into some ideal mould. I think that you should discuss this with him, as well as your concerns about his own body image and his health. Don' accuse him of anything; that will only make him defensive. Offer him support and let him know that you're worried about him.

I hope this helps you out in some way. I'm not exactly an expert, but I do know what it's like to be bulimic, so if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask me.

Good luck,

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:27am
Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for your reply. He is bulimic--he told me about the purging. He believes that he also suffers from depression and it seems (my opinion) to be tied to/caused by the eating disorder. He talks very openly with me about these things but I suspect he has not ever done so with anyone else. He has a horrible relationship with his mom--she did a lot of more than rotten things to him and his siblings and was a horrible mother to him. (They actually don't have a relationship anymore as he does not speak to her. In this case, definitely the most healthy thing for him.) I certainly see where these issues are stemming from and I can see his efforts to explore his own mind and his thoughts in a way that most other people would not be brave enough to do.

Between last post and this one, I saw him, and brought everything up again so that I could further understand it. The way he first broached the subject was that he said he was sort of surprised that he was attracted to me--normally he likes short women (I am short) but he also likes women that are very thin. I didn't think much of it, in fact, I took it as a compliment to my winning personality ( :) ) and was glad that he found me attractive. He feels horrible about having ever said anything to me about the ten pounds. I pressed him further, asking him what he thought I was lacking physically that he really wanted in a woman. He went on to describe the way a woman's neck should curve in, and the curve of her hip... apparently feminine qualities that I am lacking. It took hours to get this info out of him as he was very upset and apologetic about having hurt me over mentioning the weight. He kept stressing that it was something in his own mind that he knew was wrong to think. He kept talking about the self-hatred he has for his own body and how he wants to work out. I told him how I would like to be healthy and go to the gym with him once or twice a week, and he said he would like that too, but that if he starts going to the gym he will go every day.

It is evident that we love each other regardless of this, and we both wish to continue the relationship. I think when I speak with him tomorrow, I want to say a few things, but I am not sure how he would react. I am scared but they need to be said:

1) I need to know if you think of these imperfections in my body every time you look at me, or only if they are already being discussed.

2) I need you to understand that the sexual aspect of our relationship is going to be uncomfortable for a while because I am going to be thinking about how you view my body each time.

3) I would like for you to discuss this problem with a medical professional. I love and support you and I will go with you any time you want.

I know that he wants to be able to deal with his body image issues and that when he sees me saddened by them, it makes him all the more willing. I am nervous about suggesting this type of change but I feel that if he can't make steps to overcome his eating disorder and problems with body image, it will hurt me.

All in all, I truly fear that his brain can't really be deprogrammed from what he witnessed and experienced early on in his life. Aside from this problem, he is very attentive to my needs and feels undeserving of me when I listen to him talk about this kind of thing. He is very sensitive to womens' issues and feels so horrible about being typically attracted to short, thin women.

I appreciate his honesty and respect him so much for trusting me enough to be honest about everything. I was sure to tell him this.

Do those three things that I want to say sound like reasonable things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:38am
Stephanie,

Two more things--sorry for the long post!

"using food as a way to cope with other emotions that may be difficult to deal with" --that describes exactly what he does. I know that he also has trouble sleeping. He tells me about the purging. I myself am guilty of binging (I have never purged, I can't even tolerate the thought of vomiting, even if I'm hungover or have the flu) and using food as a coping mechanism when life gets tough. I might have mentioned before that losing ten pounds is not a big deal--that's because all I have to do to lose the first ten pounds is to stop binging--generally when my life is happier, I lose weight, and that's why. In fact, because things were going so well with him, I already lost a few pounds just because I stopped being somewhat down about that aspect of my life and spending time with my friend chocolate ice cream.

He does love me for who I am...I think he is confused because he loves me for who I am despite the fact that I don't meet the body type standard that he is typically attracted to. In fact, that's pretty much how he said it. I told him that's okay, healthy even, but because he knows he hurt me, he still feels so guilty. He knows that he loves me for the right reason and I know that too--otherwise, I'd be completely out of the relationship.

In all honesty, I'm not the best looking person, but I'm not ugly either. I'm very average and plain looking. I am very emotionally forward and I am used to having people enjoy my company and my presence because of my personality. For this reason, I find myself often able to fit in with a very attractive, fit, slim crowd and I still feel comfortable about my body... because they like me for me. He kind of makes me feel the same way, so until very recently I really never gave it a second thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:01pm
Yes! I dated a guy once that I swear was anorexic! He was 6'2", and he originally weighed 190 lbs. He looked great, but he thought that he was fat, so he lost a bunch of weight, and ended up weighing 155 lbs. He looked really sick. He always told me not to buy him shirts with horizontal stripes, too, because he thought they made him look fat!