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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:21am |
Hi everyone. My name is Samantha, I'm 23, married, two kids. I was anorexic/bulimic in jr. high and high school. I didn't break 100lbs until I was 16 years old. Right now, I am a whopping 160lbs. I almost weigh as much as my husband, who is 178lbs. I am also in college and dealing with Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. My ED has returned with a vengance. I am being extremly restricitve and half the time if I do eat, I purge. This morning I had half a pancake and it was all I could do to keep it down. If I feel more than about half full, I feel like an awful person with absolutly no self-control. I am in therapy and on meds. I recently had a miscarriage and started cutting again, so I decided I needed help. I'm also in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage. I have not told my therapist that my ED has come back. I think in a lot of ways, I don't feel I want to recover from this. It's the one thing I have control of in my chaotic life. I can't control my emotions, my schedule, anything, but I can control what goes into or comes out of my body. I guess I just want a place where I can post about my problem without being ridiculed. The other day I told a good friend what was going on and he just said, 'food is good, keeping it down is good, it's that simple', oh, and he's a psychology major. People just don't understand. When I told my husband, he actually had the nerve to tell me that if that's what I needed to do to lose weight, he didn't see a problem with it. He knows that I'm not eating and he hasn't said a word about it, he just makes fun of me because I weigh almost as much as him. I just keep telling myself, 'five more pounds, and I'll stop'. But I know that's not possible, I'm not in control of it, it's in control of me. I just don't like myself.
Samantha


I just wanted to offer some love and support. I know what you are going through, because I am either going through or have gone through it before (with the exception of the verbally/emotionally abusive husband). SI can be really painful because it's especially hard for people to understand. I've had people ask me why anyone would want to cut themselves, and it's really hard to explain to them. But of course, it's hard to explain to people why I would want to starve myself or make myself throw up, too. I haven't really been struggling with bulimic issues much lately. But I haven't wanted to really eat much. I bought a scale at Wal*Mart on Saturday. I had three celery sticks and an apple and a glass of diet Pepsi for lunch, and I feel so gross and bloated. Anyway, I'm just sort of rambling, and I've got to get to class pretty soon. I really hope that you feel better. Just remember that you can call or e-mail me any time.
Love you,
Reba
Hi Samantha,
I am sorry I have not replied sooner, I have not been able to get online all weekend. Bless your heart - you are going through a lot and I can't believe the reply you got from your friend. If it were really that 'simple' than none of us would do what we do.
It sounds like you are on the right track with therapy and meds. Unfortunately healing doesn't happen overnight. Remember it took us a while to get where we are so it will take us a while to heal. Hang in there, keep doing what you know is right, and if you take a step back, try not to beat yourself up.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina