Please Help Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Please Help Me
1
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:11am

Okay,


I'm 20 years old and I've been bulimic for about 4 year now. From the time I was in 11th grade until half of my freshman year of college I was a pretty much everyday purgers. I did have some "safe" foods, but for the most part I would throw up big meals. I lost about 70 lbs from being bulimic, but I was weighing like 270lbs so people just thought I was finally deciding to diet and lose weight. It was really emotionally hard for me b/c everyone was like "I'm so proud that you are losing weight, Keep up the good work" and I would think to myself "If you only knew that I throw up in order to lose weight".


In February of my first year of college I decided that I need to take control of my situation, so I decided to join Weight Watchers, so that I would learn how to eat better and lose weight in a healthy way. Well, during weight watchers I lost 25lbs...while allowing myself to eat again. There would be times I would eat food that I would always throw up and I would keep them down. Like pizza, mexican, pasta, where before I could never eat these thinks without throwing up. But it was not as if I was, gorging either...just eating them every now and then like a normal person. I even confessed to my mother about my eating disorder and we discussed and she said she wished I could have told her when I had the problem, but she was proud of me for recognizing that I DID have a problem and taking action.


Well after about 1 year of Weight Watchers, I stopped going. I pretty much maintained my weight but, some how I got back into purging...but the thing is I don't even binge. I really really really do not want to throw up...but sometimes if I eat something like pizza, it makes my stomach hurt really bad and I feel the need to throw up so I force myself just to feel better. Even if I eat healthy things like salad and I eat to much I feel the need to purge...and when I say to much I eat maybe half of it.  I'm getting married in June and I do not want to bring this into my marriage. My fiance knows that I used to have an eating disorder, but I really don't feel like I'm still "hard core" bulimic. I mean yes I still have body issues b/c I'm not stick thin...I weigh 185lbs now (I haven't been this weight since 6th grade) but its not like I was before...I know what an improvement I've made...I just want to be able to not feel like I need to throw up...not have my stomach feel really sick and have bad indigestion...I don't know if I should tell my mom and fiance...I man I guess I know I should but I just really don't know what to do. I would really appreciate it some advice from someone who has been there and recovering. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ktk20
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:33am

Hi There,


I am glad you found us as well as the courage to open up. Good for you for trying to eat healthier and also for opening up to your Mom. Believe me, I know from personal experience how hard it is when you first tell people (especially if they DON'T have an ED).


It sounds like you still have some emotional issues causing you to go back to purging. But it also sounds like there could be a physical issue that I would have checked out by the doctor. Indigestion or feeling bad after eating could be something as "simple" as eating the wrong foods, a mild form or IBS, etc. It doesn't sound like anything serious, but I would have it checked out by a doc to rule out anything physical.


For the emotional part I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist. Even if you think you are not a full blown bulimic, EDs are SO difficult to deal with and they CAN get out of hand really, really fast. Seeing a therapist now, while things are somewhat under control, would help you to recover faster. EDs typically are due to underlying emotional issues that we don't want to deal with or are even aware of and a therapist can help us uncover those issues and deal with them appropriately.


To answer your other question, I personally think you should tell your fiance and also your Mom. You already told your Mom once and she indicated she wish she had known when you had the problem. Well, you still have it and I would lean on her for support and strength. And I would tell your fiance simply because I believe in total honestly. EDs are very, very hard to deal with and with added stress due to wedding preparations and then being married, your symptoms might get worse. I know that getting married is wonderful so don't get me wrong when I refer to is as added stress, but even good things can be stressful for us because it's change. My husband knew about my ED before we got married yet there were times when it was difficult to deal with at first. If you keep it from your fiance and then later have to tell him when you are married, he might feel that you were lying to him or betrayed him.


I hope you will find strength and support here and that you will be able to figure out what is going on emotionally and possibly physically. Please keep us posted.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina