So what do you do if...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
So what do you do if...
4
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:53am

If you are so afraid of becoming fat again that you would rather keep the ED? I can't seem to get passed the fact that if I stop the bulimia I will gain all that weight back. I was huge 296 pounds. I am at 155 now and my goal is 135. I cannot imagine living like that again. I dont WANT to live in that fat body again. I have my check ups every year and I am healthy in every way and I have told the docs about the ED but they don't seem concerned either. I told the psychiatrist flat out I am not discussing it. She made me promise to tell the GP but the GP just said uh-huh and did the routine tests for the year. I am not telling anyone else.  I don't know what I will do when I get to 135. I won't know how to stop then either. But at leasst I will finally be the weight the doc told me to get to. But how do you come to the point where you say this is bad. Becasue it has helped me in so many ways. Am I delusional? No one else is concerned except hubby. He says I am too thin already and since I am 155 I don't trust what he is seeing. I see fat all on my body. Yes some of my bones stick out but I still have fat on me that could be gotten rid of. I didn't tell the new T about the ED but she read my chart from the pdoc and it was in there. I just don't know how I should feel about it. Some people tell me its bad, some people ignore it and some people act like I am too fat to really have it. I have been afraid about coming here because i am not in recovery and not sure if I even want recovery. Will there come a time when I want it? The only thing I know is I never want my Baybay to know. She is 5 and I don't want her to ever have a weight problem that is so bad she would resort to this. She is so active and only eats chicken and fish (by her choice from birth) and vegetables and fruits and is very active. I think she will be ok.


I have struggled with severe obesity all my life andthey found out I had a thyroid problem and put me on the meds but by then I was so huge. I tried dieting I tried exercise nothing helped but this did. This is the one thing that has finally taken off the globs of weight that smothered me. I feel like I am getting to be the person inside me. I am in therapy for PTSD MDD and DID. And I really am doing all I can. But this right now I can't give up. DID any of you ever feel like this and was there a shift in your thinkning. Because to me it seems there will have to be some major shift in my thinking before I can see it differently. Is there hope for even me?


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:47pm

Hey Sweetie,


My heart goes out to you because I can relate to your struggles. I never gained the weight you gained, but I know the struggle of wanting to keep the ED for fear of gaining weight. The truth is, you CAN eat normal meals and not gain weight. I used to think I had to eat minimal amounts for the rest of my life in order to maintain a slender body yet right now I probably eat more calories than I ever did in my 'active' ED days.


I encourage you to at least talk about it with your T. She can't make you give up bulimia just because you are talking to her about it. But at least you can talk about it and work towards that point of wanting to let go. When you do, and start to recover, you'll question why you ever lived this way. I would never want to go back to the way my life was before I stopped purging.


How you get there is different for everybody. Eventually you will reach that point where you just don't want to or can't go on the way you are going on right now. You may be healthy at the

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:52am

Kristina,


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:30am
I'm really hung over, but I'm going to try my best to make sense. I think that there is hope for you. I can sympathize with the desire to lose weight and the wish to keep an ED because you don't want to gain any weight back. I was originally about 135, but I've dropped to 127 since I've been at college. I'm still huge, though. I'm only 5'8" and I think that I'm too short to carry all that weight. I want to look like a super model.

I have a friend who is really tiny. She's 5'6" and she says that she weighs 126, but I don't think that she does. She's so little and cute. I wish that she would get on a scale for me so that I could see for myself.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about, but I really do care and I hope that you feel better and that you get better. I know that having an ED can be miserable, and sometimes it seems like you'll never be able to eat again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:08am

It does feel like I will never be able to eat again. But I don't want to die. I can feel the bulimia slipping into Anorexia and that scares me and at the same time makes me feel powerful. I don't want to die. My Baybay needs me to be well. My hubby wants me to be well. I just cannot imagine being big again. SOmetimes I think I would rather die than be that big again. People were cruel and mean and felt like they could say anything hurtful they wanted to me. And that But you have beautiful face and that pretty hair...I always knew the rest was but that FAT body. I look at my jeans now and they are so small. And I am only a size 10. But compared to what I had back then they look tiny and it makes me want to keep on getting smaller. I just want to weigh 135 thats what the doctors book says I should weigh. Their magic number. Its like a burning in my brain to be that magic number. To say see I did it. I tried dietinbg and exercise and nothing worked but this did. And now it may kill me if I can't get it under control. Maybe writing here is the first step for me to making it more real. To see it in black and white that I don't really want to die. I thank you for your post and I hope you too will get well.


Julie