can't get control, not sure if I want to
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| Sun, 09-26-2004 - 9:14pm |
OK. NOW I am looking at every woman I see that is thin and suspecting them of an eating disorder! And I just don't know whether to trust the reality of what my therapist is saying because, quite honestly, she is on the heavy side. BUT she is so comfortable with herself and her self-image and I know that is the end goal. Right? She is having me record every detail of the situation and my feelings when I b/p.
I haven't b/p since Friday and right now, I miss it. If it weren't the long-term damaging health factor of bulemia, I would feel like it were the perfect solution. And then when I see myself write that, I think that I am such a friek.
So, I guess I am in a transition place. I am working with a therapist to get better, but deep inside feeling like I don't even want to. I like losing weight, looking and feeling thin, and still be able to eat the foods I crave that are fattening. The biggest thing my therapist told me on my first appt. that threw me for a loop is that I over-exercise. My exercise is probably my highest priority after my family. I do anything I can to not miss a workout. I only workout 5 days a week, but they are reallly intense workouts that include 25-30 miles of running each week. I LOVE working out. And I admit I am aware the calories I am burning which help me with my weight loss goals. I am not ready to give any of that up.
Can anybody relate? Can anybody help?
Sherri

Hi Sherri,
You are not a freak Sweetie...most of us go through what you are experiencing. ON some level we want to stop and get better, but we don't really want to give up the ED and want to continue to control our bodies. Here is part of what you wrote:
"So, I guess I am in a transition place. I am working with a therapist to get better, but deep inside feeling like I don't even want to. I like losing weight, looking and feeling thin, and still be able to eat the foods I crave that are fattening."
This is perfectly normal for someone struggling with an ED in my opinion. And who doesn't want to loose weight, look and feel thin yet eat what they want. I think the majority of people probably share that desire, think or not. The thing is, once you start nourishing your body, you will stop craving food as much period. Once you deal with what ever is going on emotionally, you will stop reaching for food to deal with life. And once you start eating healthy foods and make it through that withdrawal period, you will stop craving the bad stuff. Typically I only crave the bad stuff during PMS - sometimes I give in sometimes I don't. When I do, it's not a binge and I go on with my life. I may repret it the next day and if I do, I try to focus on positive thoughts.
In short, recovery takes time. You just started therapy so give yourself some time and allow yourself to do it NOT perfectly. :)
Love & hugs, Kristina
It can take weeks for a therapist to contact with you at that deeper level. Be open, honest and patient - if you feel an assignment doesn't help tell her and tell her why.
Also... Congrats on your days of not b/p... I know this must be quite an accomplishment... try keeping a calendar of good days (non-b/p days) give your self stars or something on those days and challenge yourself to keep getting more and more in a row!
I had a little bit of a breakthrough at my therapy appt. today. It seems that deep down I have this belief that I am not ok just the way I am. And I think it goes back to as far as I can remember - that I have to DO good to be liked/loved by others. Body image is the obvious for me, but it really encompasses everything in my life - being a good mom, being a good wife, good friend. I need to be good at things to feel like I deserve love. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.
I still don't want to give the ED up. I really want to give in and go satisfy myself...but luckily today it's not even a possibility because of my schedule. However, I feel somewhat encouraged by "pinpointing" this part of myself. Although I don't know what to do with it and I know I still have a long way to go. I can't even begin to imagine that it would be ok for me to gain weight or ever be overweight. I still think of food in terms of good or bad. But realizing this about myself will probably be my first big step in recovery.
Thanks again for your support - it really means a lot!
Sherri
Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)
So glad I could help... i think realizing "I have to DO good to be liked/loved by others" is the key to unseating this disease... i am so proud of you! of course the next step is figuring out what to do with that... but it will come... I did some really crappy things to people really close to me during my recovery, and most are still here standing by me... actualy they are my strongest support system (of course some of those folks aren't in my life any more too, but you win some you lose some!) Carpe Diem, babe... you have so much joy and discovery ahead of you!
Keep me posted on your recovery.
Alexis
PS one more thing: i don't think anyone ever wants to give up an ED, while in recovery... but one day... you wake up and realize after all you hard work... the need just isn't there anymore... (that's when i had my first guilt free ice cream - but we all have our special moment on that) - GOOD LUCK