can't get control, not sure if I want to

Avatar for sherri51296
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Registered: 03-26-2003
can't get control, not sure if I want to
4
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 9:14pm
well, I've been lurking for the last few weeks, I guess because I have felt so confused and torn. I started seeing my new therapist 2 weeks ago - Tues. will be our third appt. She is good, she understands eating disorders really well, but she is still "figuring me out". The first week she gave me an assignment to go to the food court in the mall and write down how many women were bigger than me, how many were the same, and how many were smaller than me. If I thought they were smaller, I had to write down their ages. Well, I wasn't able to do the assignment perfectly because I wasn't able to get to the mall by myself. I ended up going with my DH and 2 kids. We played in the kids area and then went to lunch at Nordstrom. I found that I had to ask DH if women were bigger or smaller because I couldn't really tell. I thought it was better to compare in Nordstrom than the food court because Nordstrom is more my world. And shouldn't I look at my own world? My therapist and my DH said that Nordstrom is not the real world and that is my problem. I live in a fairly wealthy suburb of Kansas City, and it seems like my entire world is surrounded by beautiful, thin moms. I suppose that is who I am trying to look like. I am ALWAYS comparing myself to them and coming up short. My therapist said she thinks probably 80-85% of the women who live around here probably have disordered eating.

OK. NOW I am looking at every woman I see that is thin and suspecting them of an eating disorder! And I just don't know whether to trust the reality of what my therapist is saying because, quite honestly, she is on the heavy side. BUT she is so comfortable with herself and her self-image and I know that is the end goal. Right? She is having me record every detail of the situation and my feelings when I b/p.

I haven't b/p since Friday and right now, I miss it. If it weren't the long-term damaging health factor of bulemia, I would feel like it were the perfect solution. And then when I see myself write that, I think that I am such a friek.

So, I guess I am in a transition place. I am working with a therapist to get better, but deep inside feeling like I don't even want to. I like losing weight, looking and feeling thin, and still be able to eat the foods I crave that are fattening. The biggest thing my therapist told me on my first appt. that threw me for a loop is that I over-exercise. My exercise is probably my highest priority after my family. I do anything I can to not miss a workout. I only workout 5 days a week, but they are reallly intense workouts that include 25-30 miles of running each week. I LOVE working out. And I admit I am aware the calories I am burning which help me with my weight loss goals. I am not ready to give any of that up.

Can anybody relate? Can anybody help?

Sherri

Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:37am

Hi Sherri,


You are not a freak Sweetie...most of us go through what you are experiencing. ON some level we want to stop and get better, but we don't really want to give up the ED and want to continue to control our bodies. Here is part of what you wrote:


"So, I guess I am in a transition place. I am working with a therapist to get better, but deep inside feeling like I don't even want to. I like losing weight, looking and feeling thin, and still be able to eat the foods I crave that are fattening."


This is perfectly normal for someone struggling with an ED in my opinion. And who doesn't want to loose weight, look and feel thin yet eat what they want. I think the majority of people probably share that desire, think or not. The thing is, once you start nourishing your body, you will stop craving food as much period. Once you deal with what ever is going on emotionally, you will stop reaching for food to deal with life. And once you start eating healthy foods and make it through that withdrawal period, you will stop craving the bad stuff. Typically I only crave the bad stuff during PMS - sometimes I give in sometimes I don't. When I do, it's not a binge and I go on with my life. I may repret it the next day and if I do, I try to focus on positive thoughts.


In short, recovery takes time. You just started therapy so give yourself some time and allow yourself to do it NOT perfectly. :)

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:36pm
You have only begun the adventure of recovery - and it is an turbulant one! You have ups and downs, good days and bad days. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. However, try NOT to compare yourself to anybody. I know that is impossible right now, but truly that should be your goal! Always look for the long term... short term goals i found to be VERY difficult if I couldn't see the long term results.

It can take weeks for a therapist to contact with you at that deeper level. Be open, honest and patient - if you feel an assignment doesn't help tell her and tell her why.

Also... Congrats on your days of not b/p... I know this must be quite an accomplishment... try keeping a calendar of good days (non-b/p days) give your self stars or something on those days and challenge yourself to keep getting more and more in a row!

Avatar for sherri51296
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:43pm
Thank you both for your reply. It really helps to be able to talk to those who have been through this before.

I had a little bit of a breakthrough at my therapy appt. today. It seems that deep down I have this belief that I am not ok just the way I am. And I think it goes back to as far as I can remember - that I have to DO good to be liked/loved by others. Body image is the obvious for me, but it really encompasses everything in my life - being a good mom, being a good wife, good friend. I need to be good at things to feel like I deserve love. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.

I still don't want to give the ED up. I really want to give in and go satisfy myself...but luckily today it's not even a possibility because of my schedule. However, I feel somewhat encouraged by "pinpointing" this part of myself. Although I don't know what to do with it and I know I still have a long way to go. I can't even begin to imagine that it would be ok for me to gain weight or ever be overweight. I still think of food in terms of good or bad. But realizing this about myself will probably be my first big step in recovery.

Thanks again for your support - it really means a lot!

Sherri

Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:53pm
Sherri

So glad I could help... i think realizing "I have to DO good to be liked/loved by others" is the key to unseating this disease... i am so proud of you! of course the next step is figuring out what to do with that... but it will come... I did some really crappy things to people really close to me during my recovery, and most are still here standing by me... actualy they are my strongest support system (of course some of those folks aren't in my life any more too, but you win some you lose some!) Carpe Diem, babe... you have so much joy and discovery ahead of you!

Keep me posted on your recovery.

Alexis

PS one more thing: i don't think anyone ever wants to give up an ED, while in recovery... but one day... you wake up and realize after all you hard work... the need just isn't there anymore... (that's when i had my first guilt free ice cream - but we all have our special moment on that) - GOOD LUCK