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| Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:32pm |
my therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for out patient group therapy I know I mentioned it before...she told me to call the renfrew center here in CT I pronted up the info but I am not sure if I am ready to give up just yet..
I feel like a failure if I just give up now..I still dont feel like I have aproblem I am not super thin nor everweight I am normal weight 103 lbs 5'2 so how can she say I have an eating disorder...
I dont think that it is an issue that I have better control over my workouts and food than others maybe I am in denial who knows..
sorry if I sound mean spirited I just donthtink that I need treatment for an eating disorder...
But I support those who do I am not a mean person I am sorry not making sense and I am sounding mean I am just tired thats all.

Hey Sweetie,
Love & hugs, Kristina
My therapist wants me to go because a yer ago I was vomiting not eaing working out for 3 hours a day gettingup at 4:30am just to get in an hour of working out before work then I would work out after work..
I used diet pills laxatives water pills ect...
As of now I am taking the diet pills still throwing out food that way it looks like I ate working out 7 days a week still...I lied to my therapist about the diet pills I just told her at my last session tha tI am still taking them I have thought about laxatives again it is hard to walk bu them and not buy them...so I took fiber tablets to help out but I ran out so I need to buy more..
I have horrible body image..I think I weigh at least 400 pounds that is how I feel I have always felt larger than I really am when I look in the mirror I see a huge person my friends co-workers and family tell me that I am thin I just dont see it I see fat every where above my knee on my arms legs butt tummy ect...
so that is why my therapist says I should go into treatment she knows that I am not 100 percent ready but part of me knows that I should go I just dont want to see people skinnier than I am ..
I know I sound stupid but I just want ot be thin I weighed myself today 101 so I am almost to my goal..
the thing is I just want to be thin I want to be loved I want to be pretty..if I am smaller than someone will want to be with me and I wont be alone amnd I am alone cause I am fat...
I am just so sad I dont want to be alone and sad and ugly and fat and mean and I dont know what else I just want love and I wont have it til I am small...
I know that I sound stupid I am 29 years olod I feel like I am stupid cause a 29 year old should not be doing this I should have been past this by now...sorry
Erin
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Love & hugs, Kristina
Here is something happy... I went to teh Renfrew Center and decided that if i was going to do it i was going to kill this thing... so I went inpatient... and it was the biggest miracle... i had done outpatient treatment before so i knoew i needed more...
anyway renfrew is the reason i have been "normal" for the past 3 year - it was my life saver - literally... I encourage you to considerate, but if you aren't ready it won't help, so make sure you want it
Alexis