Not Ready to Admit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Not Ready to Admit?
3
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:25pm

mmmm... i dont know how to start. I guess my title says it all. But here's the thing. In a way its like I KNOW deep down I have some kind of underlying problem or issue, but on the surface nothing seems wrong to me because I have an excuse for everything. You know?


I hand out advice to so many poeple on these boards so this is a little hard and I'd hate for someone to recognize me here.


But here is my situation I suppose:


I really dont know if I am bulimac or not... or if i have any eating disorder or not. I was diagnosed with Celiac and Crohn's Disease 3 yrs ago at age 21. Both are intestinal diseases and are autoimmune, which cause wide varieties of other disorders, diseases and illnesses which we dont have to get into, but as you imagine... it isnt fun. However, one effect is hypo-thyroid which both parents have and i am now borderline. Despite the counter-symptoms of celiac and crohns , hypo-thy has always left me up and down constantly on the weight scale. I will go from 135 to 115 in two weeks... then out of nowhere i'll regain some health and be 135 again... which for me at 5'3 is a "liiiiiiiiittle' on the chubby side... so no matter HOW hard i try- starving, working out, i cant lose the weight until I suffer a flare up again.... but that is NOT fun. it just sucks going from a size 2 to a size 7/8 in a matter of 2 months or 3 months.


anyhoo. so recently i began this diet called SCD which is catered towards those with intestinal diseases to help discard waste from your system and help you learn how to eat foods only your senstitive stomache can digest. It is a miserable diet but it is the only thing that has worked for me and taken the pain away, helped with the flare ups, eliminated my headaches, bloating, cramps, nausea, and ALL side effects of celiac and crohns. My energy sky-rocketed after the symptoms went away and i was soooo happy... and THEN... i lost 25lbs in about 1month-1/2. it was pretty quick... but it leveled off and stayed there for a while... then inched up a little.


but this diet obviously eliminated grains, wheats, breads, pastas, starches, dairy, sodas, all sugars...etc etc so naturally- i got very constipated and my GI gave me fiber supplements and told me to take a ---lax once every three days, and increase my honey intake which gives me a little diahrrea, but... you pick your battles.


NOW- I'm a little healthier... have gained a little weight back and am feeling discouraged and EXTREMELY nervous, and axious about putting the weight back on. I am craving sugar like no one's business but i know those foods make me so sick and literally cause me physical pain so I cant eat them anyway but sometimes I'll cheat and dulge into gluten-free cookies and snacks or I'll over-stuff myself with eggs, cultured cheese, honey and peanut butter, veggies etc... and next thing i know I've gained 5lbs-- which on these kinds of restrictions is very expected and normal- but makes me crazy!!!


Since losing that weight I have been sooooooo scared of gaining weight again. If I go over 115lbs I FREAK out!!! I dont let anyone know this though. Even at 114 I still think my tummy is chubby! After coming home from our honeymoon i was 119lbs and went bazurk taking a --lax everyday and working out everyday until I was back to 113. At the same time I'm only drinking coffee from 7am to 8pm, snacking on cheese or fruit or veggies... and I'll eat a large dinner.


Now- the excuses.... I spoke up to Doc about the lax. abuse and he said "no biggie, just dont do it everyday consistently and keep taking your B Complex and Amino Acids". I also HAVE to take the D-lax in order to actually USE the potty bc the diet makes me extreeeeeemely constipated... i will sometimes go 2 weeks without a BM, he said the laxative or stool softener is safe in my case, but not average poeple with healthy intestinal tracks.


excuse #2- not eating? i kinda cant... my diet is the ONLY aid for these diseases and its so restrictive that while at work its reeeeally hard to find those foods around here or in the city at cafes etc that are "safe" to eat. when making or preparing foods ahead of time i literally have to use an ENTIRE saturday bc these things are made from COMPLETE scratch, and because of the freshness and no preservatives - go bad pretty quick. so i can make stuff for monday or tuesday but the rest of the week im screwed.


excuse #3- dont want to be chubby? even though my husband has gained weight recently and isnt his tight- hot old self... I have a poor self-image when it comes to our relationship. he has always been very attracted to extremeley thin, skinny girls like Christina Aguilera or Kiera Knightley and will make comments about women on tv and say "she is gross... eew... no way she's fat" when the woman or actress is hardly over 120 or looks like me!! Then, before our wedding he ended up going against my wishes and got a bunch of lapdances... one of which was a "private" dance and I got to hear all the details... this didnt help my self image either even though it was his bachelor party. since then... my use of laxatives has become more of a habit... and my anxiety of gaining weight and looking good for him is becoming out of control. i freak about having children bc i am soooo scared i wont be attractive to him anymore. dont get me wrong... he loves me and ADORES me, but i dont think he knows how he effects me this way. I dont think i want him to know.


i dont know if im ready to admit.


i'm 5'3, weigh 116 as of last night and literally noticed that i had gained 0.8lb since the night before. I look in the mirror and see fat arms, flabby butt, love handles, chubby cheeks, and chubby calves. It makes me so sad. How can I be 116 and "fat" at the same time??? it doesnt make sense! how am i a size 2/4 but scared to wear shorts bc my legs will "look fat"???


I take d-lax for health reasons but at the same time enjoy the fact that it keeps me from gaining wieght. I KNOW that if i stopped or ate 3-5 meals a day i gain 5-10lbs EASY... it happens ALL THE TIME so i have no choice but to control it!! at the same time i need to control myself from taking MORE than the lax dose my dr. told me to. it is soooo hard. but im trying.





Love Sara




Edited 9/30/2004 4:40 pm ET ET by saralydia2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:46pm

Hi Sara,<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


It does sound like you are fairly aware of what is going on with you or at least what your excuses are. It just so happens that I have had a ton of health problems including autoimmune disorders, leaky gut, parasites, overgrowth of candida, chronic fatigue, etc. and you CAN cure them. You can cure them with appropriate nutrition actually and some good supplements and the diet I am on does anything but constipate me. So you see that excuse (was it #3 in your post) won’t work with me. LOL


I suggest you read about virgin coconut oil from Tropical Traditions, also Dr. Mercola’s website, as well as the books “The No-Grain Diet”, “The Metabolic Typing Diet”, “The Maker’s Diet”, and Neanderthin. I have links to some of the websites but cannot post them here because they advertise products for sale. If you are interested email me offline and I will give you more info.


Have you considered seeing a therapist for the emotional issues? If you are already seeing one, have you mentioned the weight/laxative issues?

I am really glad you posted here and reached out.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:40am

1) I would love you to email me those links. Accept... one more excuse: I am allergic to coconuts, so I'm not sure how coconut oil will be good for me! Unless thats just a name and its not really coconut. And secondly... I'd like to see and read about those links on the no-grain diets and metabolic geared diets.. but that will require some research but there is sooooo much my body cannot digest- little things like Arrowroot, Amaranth flour or any flour, cellulose, cocoa, corn starch or any starch, fructose, MSG, glucose, iron supplements, dextrose, barley, corn syrup, milk, margarine, gums, millet,flaxseed, sugars, feta, creams, any preservatives, Brandy, "natural flavors", lactose, polysorbate 80, pectin, maltodextrin, protien powder, rye, beans, seeds, soy, sucralose, vanillin, xanthum gum, etc etc. ... so I want to see those websites but I'm afraid I may not be able to follow them exactly as I'm really already on the strictest diet you can imagine, going on another diet would be ADDING foods.


2) DH and I are already in couseling just for newlywed stuff. We went through a serious turmoil after the strip-club incident. But I never really told him how that effected my self image bc i am so ashamed of being insecure. I exude confidence all the time everywhere i go, and admitting what he did made me sink was admitting weakness and I'm not used to that. But it wasnt like he just went to a club and got a lapdance... he got a private dance w/ two women who were half naked, dry-humping him and he was touching them everywhere and they were talking dirty to him. This was before our '2nd' big wedding... we were already married in a civil ceremony 5 months prior... so i found this not only inappropriate but completely disrespectful to me and it crushed me. History: My ex fiance cheated on me with a stripper... my 2nd boyfreind cheated on me by fooling around with a stripper and then went against my wishes to continue going to those clubs. So DH knew about this and knew my feelings... and he still participated in these acts, touched them and in my opinion fooled around with them and admitted to getting aroused by them... this has really really crushed me even though I'm pretty understanding to men's egos and ways of thinking when it comes to porn or bachelor parties.


3) after that incident and the wedding... that still lingered underneath but we stopped talking about it bc i didnt want to keep re-hashing everything. Then i was in a car accident, hit from behind 2 days after got back from honeymoon. Suffered concussion and neck and back injuries. Two weeks later, unbeknownst to us, I had a miscarriage. Since then I have been seeing 8 different doctors 2-3x a week, a lawyer, working 55+ hours a week trying to catch up, suffering some setbacks in time spent with DH and at home and chores, not able to get to gym bc of time and pain in neck and back... and all this stress has made me feel like i have NO control over ANYTHING!!!!


and beyond that... my self-image gets worse everyday. everyday i get "fatter" and "fatter" and feel less sexy and this past week it has begun to effect our sex life. Its as though the MORE stress and pressure I'm under... the worse my body looks and the more I'm tempted to take a laxative. I've never taken more than one a day, but i'm sooooo tempted to do it... and it makes me almost proud when i can go all morning... then all afternoon... then evening... without a meal... snacking on just coffee and cultured cheese or taking bites out of something and then throwing it away.


am i bulimic AND anorexic? i mean, my diseases pretty much restrict every food out there already but i COULD find something. and I dont purge on food, but i do take laxatives in order to have a BM not only for health reason but bc it helps "rid" the limited food i've eaten out of my body and keep me thin.


I told my husband about this last night. I've been very tempermental lately and blowing him off in bed... and he's just been so good about getting home before me and cooking my almond bread and SCD tomato sauce and salmon and rubbing my neck and hugging me, everything. he knows i'm stressed and has been supportive but i didnt want him to think i was just being a bi*** and unappreciative so i broke down and told him.


he just reassured me everything was fine and no matter what I am the most beautiful woman he's ever known, not to mention the hottest and he wishes i could understand the difference between that and just some picture of a girl on tv etc etc. we talked it out a little... but it didnt make me feel better for some reason. after we both cheered up a bit he went and tried to come on to me again! but i was feeling like i just told him a huge secret and am really upset and it just so happens to be about my self image... so why is he trying to take my clothes off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:21am

Hey There,


Love & hugs, Kristina