For cl kkcarlton... some Qs
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 3:17am |
WARNING: TRIGGERS
Hi - I noticed in your profile that you are a Christian and I wanted to ask you a couple of questions and explain my situation. Sorry if this gets long =) By the way, I think the support you are offering these girls is such a blessing.
Anyhow....I don't want to use my real name b/c I have a lot of friends on ivillage on a different board and I haven't "talked" about this with them. So I'll call my self LeAnn. I'm 24 and I'm married with 1 child. We are born again Christians. But I'm totally struggling right now. Here is the circumstances sort of summarized:
When I met dh, I had an ED (Bulimia). I was "taught" how to binge/purge from a girlfriend at the age of 16. I did it for approx. 1 year and then my mom and dad confronted me. I can hardly remember but I think I sort of denied it but then I admitted everything and said I wanted help . Dh and I had just started dating and he introduced me to a "personal relationship with God" So....the counseling I received was through our church for about 6 months. Sometimes I lied about my "progress" but then I realized I was only hurting myself. So...after a long struggle, I finally was able to stop throwing up. Now...right before this point I was a perfect weight for my height (5'8" 135 lbs) I have never really had a "distorted" body image so I was content at this weight --- I never wanted to be super skinny, just "thin."
So.. when I quit throwing up, I basically kept eating somewhat bad so the pounds started packing on. I tried to focus on my christianity and who I was on the inside but I slowly kept gaining. In the mean time, I went on to marry dh and move to a new city. I would say that I did go about a year w/out throwing up but then I started having the occasional "slip up" - I'd feel awful, repent and try to not do it again. But over a 4 year period I ended up gaining 55lbs. (From 135 to 195) sometimes I would lose 20lbs on a normal diet but then I gained it back. Dh was very supportive even though I know he admitted how "hot" he thought I was when we met. So...then I got pg, still "struggled" occasionaly (which was awful of me) but I had a healthy baby and actually lost a lot of weight right after the birth from breastfeeding and a gallbladder problem (I ended up having it removed and I really think those complications were related to my ED). So that brings me to where I am today:
I worked out and ate decent for almost 3 months this past April but the weight loss was soooo slow - sometimes 1 lb a week (which was great) but then sometimes none at all or even a weight GAIN even though I was doing everything right. (btw...I weighed myself 1 time a week ) So I sort of plateued at 180lb (this was significantly down from baby's birth when I weighed well over 200!!! I can't even believe I typed that)
So... I got sooooooo sick of being this fat (btw..before ED I NEVER was fat) that I started completely being bulimic again and lying to dh in June. He caught on and confronted me....so now he knows and completely disapproves but I don't even try to hide it from him anymore. I eat and then get rid out it. In 3 weeks, I'm already down to 169 -- and it's like I finally see my "healthy" weight in sight...only about 30lbs. to go. I feel so good b/c I get to eat whatever I want and not struggle with being "disciplined" BUT my relationship with God is struggling or NON existent b/c I know I'm living in and choosing sin. Plus, it's straining my marriage. I keep telling myself that I might as well lose the weight and then fight this and start eating right (I've even promised dh that) but in the mean time I do feel awful...I feel like a horrible mother and a awful example of a Christian.
Also, for me my ED has nothing to do with some of the psychological issues other girls deal with. I come from a wonderful, loving family -- great childhood, etc. I was the oldest of 4 and the reason I developed it was b/c I LOVE to eat and I was sick of maintaining my weight by "healthy" eating. I was NEVER overweight before b/c I constantly watched my figure and I was very popular in high school. But once my girlfriend told me I could eat junk food and not gain weight, then all the discipline I had went out the window.
Now... I'm so frustrated b/c I want to stop but at the same time I don't want to. (If that makes sense) I'm almost "there" as far as the weight goes but I know I'm fooling myself b/c once I reach 140 (I feel that's a reasonable weight for me) I know I will still be tempted by junk food, give in and then I'll want to get rid of it so I don't "gain back" any weight!!!!!!!! UUUUUUUUUGGhh, it's a vicious cycle!
So...finally, my questions for you: How did you stop your ED? Was it Anorexia or Bulimia? If, Bulimia, are you at a decent weight now and maintaining it in a healthy way? Are you still tempted by food? I'm sorry this is so long but I had to "talk" to someone and I can't do it in "real life."
And I in NO WAY want my problems to "encourage" someone to try this. I would never wish this (bulimia) on anyone ---not even SATAN. So, to any young girls that see this as a "diet option"...trust me as someone that has been bulimic off/on for 8 years ---- IT'S A LIVING HELL and NEVER believe anyone that tells you any differently!!!
Thank you, kkcarlton, for any help/advice you can give!

Good Morning!
I am glad you posted and I completley understand about the different name. I will answer your questions but will have to do so later today or this evening. Just wanted you to know that I did see your post but would like to reply when I have more time. Right now I have to get dressed and going.
I can tell you that things will get better. It may take some work on your part, but eventually you will get there.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Hi LeAnn,
I know your post was to Kristina, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I have several similarities with you in my story, so I'd thought I would share in case something I say might be helpful.
First to summarize, I am 31, also a Christian, and became bulemic only a year and a half ago, but it was during my second pregnancy. I also do not have any of the "typical" reasons for an ED - good family, etc. Looking back and after talkind with my therapist, I realize I have had "disordered eating" since I was a young teenager. Even though I have always been of average to small size, I have always had "issues" revolving around weight and dieting. I have always compared myself to others and felt like I was coming up short. But it wasn't until pregnancy that I felt out of control. My first pregnancy resulted in a 40 lb.weight gain and aftwerward 6-7 months of life-consuming exercise and diet to get back to where I felt good about my body. When I got pregnant again (3 years later), I was determined to NOT gain too much weight so I wouldn't have to work so hard to get it off. I became bulemic and that was my way of splurging on all the junk food I craved, yet not gain too much weight. I never threw up my main meals, just extra food. So I didn't worry about the baby's health. I ended up gaining 30 lbs this time and had a very healthy baby girl (again;=)). I always figured that after the baby came I would stop. But I didn't. So I finally told DH - who had NO idea, and we agreed I should see a therapist. My first therapist wasn't very good - she focused more on the practical aspects as oppposed to the emotional ones...which is where you have to go to beat this thing. I stopped seeing her in July and started with a new one in September. She is fantastic.
So, now, here I am, 8.5 months post baby, and still struggling. Just in the last 2 weeks I have turned a bit of a corner, but it is still so new I am afraid to trust it. My problem all this time, other than the emotional reasons, has been that I CRAVE sugary things. So it was my way of indulging my craving w/o the consequences of weight gain. I also excercise obsessively. I am not ready to give that up yet. There are 3 things that have changed for me in the last 2 weeks that I am going to share with you. I would highly recommend you try some if not all of them:
1. First, (and this has obviously not been the last 2 weeks for me but the last 2 months) find a therapist who specializes in ED. They are going to be the only one who can help you find the emotional root of what is going on with you and help you develop a different mindset. A Christian therapist would be even better, but I wasn't that lucky to find one and insurance coverage is a necessity for me.
2. Eat vegetables and fruit, but especially vegetables. I have been eating veggie wraps for lunch every day and veggie-full salads with dinner every night, and my cravings for junk food has practically evaporated.
3. Don't drink alcohol. This may not be an issue for you, but our lifestyle involves 2-3 cocktails each evening to wind down. I stopped doing this and maybe drink 1 beer sometimes, and I have noticed a huge difference in how I feel and what I crave.
4. Get and read this book: "Making Peace with Food: The end to the Dieting/Weight Loss Obsession". It has really changed how I think of weight, diets and body image. It will explain to you why you can diet but not really lose weight or why you gain it back so quickly.
Also, and I know Kristina has a lot of knowledge on this subject as well, but if you are interested I can give you a lot tips on how to eat nutritionally. Like I said before, I have always b/p my extra food - I actually eat very healthy for my main meals.
I'm glad you wrote in - this is a great support board. I hope you get some of the answers you are looking for! Good luck and don't give up - I can tell you have what it takes to beat this.
hugs, Sherri
Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)
Thanks for the encouragement, Sherri.
Hi,
Sorry it has taken me a while to finally answer. Sherri had some great ideas and suggestions. I can only agree with the therapist. for years I thougth it was all about food and my body, never made the connection to emotional issues, until I found a great counselor. Even then it took me a while to get to it. I will say that cutting out all sweets, for me that even includes fruit and artificial sweeteners, has helped with constant hunger and cravings, but I would still try to find a therapist at a local church.
I read you reply to Sherri about not giving in to Satan's temptations, etc., but sometimes God gives us tools to help us overcome those temptations. We don't have to do it all by ourselves. This board may be one tool he led you to and a therapist may just be another. Pray about it...
Now to your questions:
So...finally, my questions for you:
Love & hugs, Kristina
There is so much of what you are saying that I can completely relate with. After my therapist mentioned it, I started realizing that just about everybody I know has disordered eating. I live in an area where there are a lot of SAHM with a lot of money and they have lots of time to shop and work out. It's very intimidating. Even at church I feel like it is filled with skinny moms, and even though they are godly and wonderful, they probably have disordered eating.
I am a part-time SAHM. I work on Tues and Thurs - freelance graphic design. I have my girls the rest of the time. As for working out, we do belong to a gym and so that is my main outlet. I am also a runner, though, so I often will get up early and go run before DH needs to leave. Like I said, I am obsessive about it, so I make it my priority each day to get my workout in. I know it is tough if you can't get to a gym, and especially if your DD doesn't nap well. (that being a totally different subject, have you read Healthy Sleep Habit, Happy Child and/or checked out the Sleep Training Board?). But there are still options. Can you take your DD on long walks? Can you get up early and do something? You said your DD naps 40 minutes - that is enough time for a good cardio workout...
I think I most relate with your fear of passing these issues on to your daughter. That scares me to death. So far I have only b/p in secret and only my husband has come close to discovering me in the act, but I am so scared that I will pass on my obsession with being thin to my girls. In the world we live in, they are going to get it from so many other people, if they get it from me too, they are almost guaranteed to have issues. That is one of my biggest motivations for beating this and developing healthy attitudes and habits.
As for the junk food and cravings, here's the thing. First, you have to REALLY want to make the change, because at first things won't seem like they taste good. But I promise you if you stick with it, you will develop a taste for this healthy food. Like Kristina said, it's probably not a good idea to list specific foods, but if you email me I can tell you the things we eat regularly that are healthy. mailto:smayer@sherrimayer.com
Also like Kristina said, finding a therapist and turning to God are the key factors in your successful recovery. Just changing your food and excercise routines alone will not do it. I know you think there is now psychological factor behind your bulemia, but there is. I also felt that way until I went to www.somethingfishy.org and learned more about bulemia. Any ED has some emotional component driving it. For me there are several, but as a start to help you see the connections, look at the statement you made: "I honestly do this for the simple reason that I like eating TONS of junk food but I want to be skinny." Why do you want to be skinny? If you are skinny, how does that affect your feelings about who you are?
These are the questions my therapist started asking me that really got me thinking. Again, a good therapist and a trusting relationship with God, as well as the support of your DH WILL help you recover. Also, that book I mentioned will change the way you think of skinny/fat and how you fit into those terms.
I hope you keep posting - it is possible to lose weight by creating a healthy living environment for you and your family, without b/p. I agree with Kristina that if you lose weight that way you will gain it back once you start eating normally again. Good luck - please email me if you would like to...
hugs, Sherri
Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)
Hi Sherri -
I just sent you an e-mail! Thank you so much for the info and encouragement --- it really helps to know that other people successfully overcome this BATTLE!
<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-m