Really long, I am worried

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Registered: 07-22-2003
Really long, I am worried
2
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:39pm
I usually participate on the Parents of Teens Board, then decided to look for something for Eating Disorders and found y’all. I am hoping you can give me some information and advice. This may be pretty long so bear with me, I need go give you a little background too.

I have a daughter who is 14, she has a friend also 14, a boy who she dated for a while. During the time that she has known him as a friend and while she was dating him, we got to be quite close. He felt comfortable talking to me and asking for advice and opinions on various things. He once told me that he was very comfortable with me, I was easy to talk to and he wondered why I had never become a counselor. He would contact me on IM as well as send e-mails and talk to me in person. When C (the boy) and K (my daughter) broke up he had a conversation with me on IM and told me that I cared too much. He also told me that his parents think it is weird that I talked to him on IM. When I talked to his mom I asked her about this and she said she just couldn’t imagine what I might want to talk to her son about. I told her that sometimes he would talk to me on IM if he needed to talk about something and at times asked for my opinion on different matters. She wasn’t happy that he was talking to me and not her about these things. He doesn’t talk to his parents about much of anything; much less ask them for advice about any kind of “teen” matters. Nothing extremely personal was ever discussed with him, by the way and I often encouraged him to talk to his parents. Anyway, I agreed with her that I wouldn’t talk on IM with him anymore about any personal matters. He and I had discussed this and already had agreed on it. He knows though that if he needs to talk I am here for him.

For a while after C broke up with K they didn’t see each other or talk on IM, then one day C came by with another friend, B to visit K. After that things were pretty much back to normal. That day the 2 boys came in and talked to me about some things. K told me later, “Mom he can’t help talking to you, he just can’t help it.” Things were pretty much back to normal for quite a while.

Then one day something happened and C was upset with K and me and didn’t talk to either of us for about 3 weeks. Finally he e-mailed K and apologized and told her how wrong he had been to treat her like he did and that he wanted to be friends again. All was much better between them. He still is a little standoffish with me, I feel that it is because when he is around me he tends to talk to me and sometimes bares his soul, so to speak, then later thinks about it and wishes he hadn’t. He tends to want to keep everything to himself and be very private. I have never breached a confidence or told his mom anything we ever talked about. I have assured him often that I don’t do that, what he says stays with me.

Okay, now you have the background. Fast forward to present. A couple Saturday ago K had a party here with about 15 or so other kids. It was a blast. At one point I wanted to go through a door where C was standing. As kids do, he was fooling around and wouldn’t let me pass. I happen to have a fun size Snickers bar in my hand and offered it to him for payment, you know playing along. He looked at me serious as can be and said “Won’t work with me, I’m anorexic.” Then he kind of laughed and said “money would work though.” I didn’t know what to say to him and the party just went on. This whole thing set off bells in my head and I started to remember other things that have happened with him. Now I am worried.

This summer I took K and C to my brother’s house to swim. When he wouldn’t take off his shirt I just took it for teenaged modesty. Finally he took it off, but every time he got out of the pool he covered his abdomen so we couldn’t see it. Then one day he was talking about being fat, he hardly has an ounce of fat on him. What she said was fat on his belly was just basically a bit of skin that he grabbed. I have more fat on my forearm! He has made comments about his fat a few times in front of me. On IM a couple times he told K that he had been really bad that day and eaten cookies, cake, ice cream, cheese doodles, and what ever. One day he was talking to me on IM and said something about not being hungry and not wanting dinner. He said he hadn’t eaten that day. We talked a little about it and he said that sometimes he just isn’t hungry and doesn’t eat. I said that it wasn’t good to not eat like that all day and why would he do that? He responded “I have issues” There is also the fact that when he is here and I offer him a snack he NEVER accepts and only ever drinks water. He has had dinner with us a couple times and ate a fair amount. When we took him out to dinner he only had a salad, a good sized one, I admit, but still only a salad, he had been over for most of the day and hadn’t eaten anything else. When we go out for ice cream and he is with us he never has anything, at first I thought it was because he didn’t want me to pay for it, now I think differently.

I did talk to K about this and she is quite worried about him too. When he was at her party he didn’t eat any dinner and only had some apple crisp and a small bit of snacks. He seems to eat candy now and then, but not much else. I am suspecting he uses it as an energy booster.

The day after the party a group of them got together again. They ended up ordering pizza and wings, again he ate nothing. Most of the time when they are together he doesn’t eat anything. K did talk to another friend about this and she feels too that there may be a problem. The same day K saw C eating something and made a comment like, “Oh, a picture perfect moment, C eating something!” He just looked at her and said “I’m not anorexic.” She asked him why he told me that he was and he denied that he ever said it.

So that is my story. What do you all think? Does this sound like an eating disorder or am I over reacting? What should I do? With the history with his mom not being too open to me being too close, I don’t want to talk with her. She can be tough to deal with especially if she thinks you are questioning or criticizing her parenting. I really feel that she would be very upset and insulted if I go to her and tell her this is what I think is wrong with her son, or if she feels that is what I am saying. A good friend who knows him well suggested that I talk to him when he is over one day. Tell him that I am concerned with his eating habits and if he needs help I am here for him. What do you think? Where do I go from here? I think this is something that his mom needs to be aware of, but how can I tell her and not break the trust that he has in me, that is if he still has any? I guess I would rather lose his trust and have him get some help, but what if I am wrong about it all? I am just so confused about what to do, what to think and how to deal with this. Actually, he is here at my house right now, but there are about 10 kids here and I don’t think I can get any time that I could talk to him alone.

Please let me know your thoughts and advice. Sorry this is such a long post, but I had a lot of background etc. Thanks!!!

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 6:01pm

Hi,


Love & hugs, Kristina

Avatar for bookwormmom
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Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 8:35pm
Thanks for your response. I really do want to talk with him, but lately our relationship has been a little on the unstable side. I really think the reason he doesn't want to see me if possible is that he knows that he may talk to me about things that he feels he should be able to deal with on his own and keep private.

I am a little upset with myself, last night K had a group of friends over, as they didn't have school today. C was here and most of the kids were gone, only 4 left with K. I wanted in the worst way to pull him aside, and I should have. We all got into a discussion about secrets. I said that everyone has secrets, C said that he doesn't have any secrets. New to me, he is very private about things and doesn't talk about things often. I should have at that point told him I needed to talk to him about something and taken him in the other room. But I didn't. I guess I was just not ready with what to say to him.

The one person I talked to about him, did point out to me that from what I told her he has made references to eating habits, weight etc. many times and this may be a cry for help, even if he doesn't realize it.

Hopefully the opportunity will present itself again one day soon. Hopefully I will take that opportunity and not "wimp out"

I think it might be a good idea to write out what I want to say to him and get it firm in my mind before I talk to him.

This is harder than I would have ever thought. Much harder than discussing sex. I'd rather do that. I guess I am just afraid of his reaction. I don't want to lose what we do have left.

Thank you for your help and I will be back to check out other posts and let you know what happens.

Kristie
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