it's been awhile...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
it's been awhile...
5
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:36pm
Hey girls,

It's been awhile since I've been here, but I'm really feeling the need for some support.

The past couple of months have been going fairly well..I like my job, I started going to church (and I was baptised last weekend), and I've been having fun with my friends and what not, but lately I dunno what's up... all I want to do is eat!

I guess it all started a couple weeks ago. I met this guy at a party and we totally hit it off.. we talked on the phone for hours on end and it seemed like we had so much in common.. but when we had our first date, he was a completely different person. He was very business-like through the whole thing and didn't seem too interested in what I had to say. So I did what I thought was the right thing and told him that he and I weren't going to work out. Everyone I told said that they were proud of me for standing up for myself, and so was I, but then I got tp thinking that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just expected too much from him (I have a habit of expecting closeness and intimacy too soon)?? I dunno, maybe not cuz he was kind of rude!

Either way, that whole week before our date I was so happy and excited that I didn't really feel the need to eat as much as I normally do (which is too much as far as I'm concerned) and it made me feel good! Like I was finally beating myself at my own game. But after things with this guy didn't work out, I turned to food once again for comfort. In the past week I've bp'd three times. On one of the occasions I hadn't really over eaten either, I just like being sick. Have any of you ever experienced this? It makes me sad.. I don't want to do it anymore, but I can't help myself.. it's like it makes me feel good, but it doesn't at the same time. I know that I wasn't in theropy long enough. I can't afford it. And my parents won't help.. it's like they're in denial... Well to be fair, they think I'm cured, but they really don't understand. They thought I was cured after one session... they have no idea how wrong they are! I guess I'll just have to find a way.

One other thing... I got this program from fitday.com in order to help me keep track of everything I'm eating in effort to eat healthy, balanced meals (according to the food guide), but it's not working, esp considering halloween was last weekend. I've eaten so much candy lately it makes me feel so gross. I have been going to the gym but not consistently enough to see or feel any results. There's just so much going on right now and I just can't seem to get my head around things. I wish I could make it all go away! I think I better make an appointment with my therapist.. I'm in need of some good advice!

Anyway, thanks for listening girls... I really appreciate it!.. if any of you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it.

thanks again.

Stephanie

P.S. I hope that all of you are doing better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 1:33am

Hi Stephanie,


I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now, but I am glad you checked in for support. I think you have the right idea with calling your therapist. It

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:35pm
Hey Kristina,

Thanks for your advice! I'll definitly see if the church offers counselling or not. And I promise I won't give up. I'm stronger than this thing and I will beat it.. it's just going to take time!

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 11:09am
wow stephanie! Reading your message, sounded like my own journal. I left my treatment early too beacuse it got too expensive. I have been coping with ED on my own with some support from my family, friends, and boyfriend.I have been doing really well. I do have my bad days but I am better able to cope with them. My parents are also in denial, they think I have been "cured". I try not to expect too much from my friends beacuse I think my problems scare them and I know they have their own issues to worry about. Then I have my boyfriend of two years, who is recovering from heroin addiction. He tries so hard to be supportive but when he is struggling himself its hard from him to be there for me. I have learned not to rely on others to always getting me going. I have learned to take responsibility for my actions and my wellbeing. I try not to blame others for my ED. If my parents are giving me a hard time...I tell myself..ok if I binge/purge to cope with this situation then I am blaming them for my actions, but if I handle this then I am taking responisiblity for myself. I deserve to be healthy. I'm not sure if I am explaining myself correctly, but anyway, I just dont let others push me down. Its not even that they are doing it on purpose. So just stay strong and always look on the positive side. We all have our good and bad days but its how you recover that counts. I hope your week improves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 7:06pm
Hey blondbombshell,

Thanks so much for your reply! I totally understand what you're trying to say. We are the only ones responsible for our actions, so if we want things to change we have to step up and do it ourselves. I totally agree! For the most part I'm a pretty happy person. I just have my moments when things seem dismal and I let it get the best of me. We all have to be sad sometimes to appreciate the happier times more. My week has improved and I can't wait to start fresh again Monday! I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be, it's just finding my way that's the tough part... BUT I'm workin on it everyday. Hopefully one day I'll get there!

anyway thanks again for your post.. it helps! Oh and welcome to the board as well! I saw your other post. Congrats on almost graduating!! You must feel so good about that :)I'm glad that you are trying to live life without ED, and I'm sorry to hear about your bf's problems with heroin.. I wish you guys all the best in your recoveries :)

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 10:29am
Hey Stephanie,

I am glad i could help out.That's excatly what I was trying to say. I'm happy to hear that your week has improved. I had a rough week myself but my weekend turned out great. My boyfriend took me out shopping, which was great beacuse he hates getting dragged along to the malls. :)

oh yeah, I am excited about graduating but im it's also scary.Thank you for your support as well. Wish you the best.