Is there a name for this problem? HELP??
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 1:28pm |
Hello, I'm sorry I will warn you know that this is going to be a long one but I don't know where else to turn. I'm 28 years old I have had a Thyroid problem since the age of 8 I never had a weight problem with it though I got Graves Disease (the buldging eyes)otherwise I could eat 24/7 and not gain an ounce. Well then my freshman year of high school I was a size 7-8, then all of the sudden I went to a size 11-12 from that spring to my Sophmore year, I still didn't have any issues with my body, I still ate what I wanted when I wanted. Then I started dating this boy Todd my sophmore year, he was a little heavy, always had a problem with weight, well one day while he was at the docotor with his dad and got on the scale his dad said to him god your a fat f..cker, and that set the ball in motion he lost alot of weight got down to like a size 28, started popping diet pills, and would only eat one meal a day, mind you by this time I was already back to my size 8, and around 130lbs, but he made the weight thing about me for the next 3 1/2 years I would be worried he cheated he'd tell me I was fat when I was a size 6-7, and that he didn't want to have kids with me because then theyd be fat like me. Well eventually in 1997, we broke up. I never got over the weight thing I started taking diet pills, and was always on a diet although I could maintain a 125-130lbs without watching weight or exercise. Well I started dating a new guy Josh, He never said anything about my weight he thought I was perfect. Well after dating for a few years a maintaining a normal weight at 21 yrs old I started having trouble with my thyroid again after five years of it leveling and being ok. So i went to the doctor and they said they wanted to do radioactive iodine to kill my thyroid and then I would have to take a thyroid replacement for the rest of my life, well my sister had had this done years before and she was ok, so I did it, and I just blew up in two weeks I couldn't fit into my old pants, I bought new ones, three weeks later I couldn't fit into them. I got up to 145lbs. Well Josh and I were living out on our own and had been dating for 3 years, Christmas of 99 me being heavier he asked me to marry him. So I said yes and started planning that. Well I'm a daddy's girl and talked more, and was closer to him than my mom, then in the midst of planning the wedding on March 9th 2000, the worst day of my life so far I couldn't get a hold of my dad for hours so I went to his house, and I found him passed away on his couch, I still have a hard time accepting he's gone. Well that threw me into a major depression and I start to get really sick. I suffer from high cholstrol it runs in the family no matter how healthy you eat. So I had a part time job I really liked , but had a hard time doing that dealing with my dads passing a being sick alot. I would be sore everwhere all the time, and nothing would help. In the mean time I'm trying to plan for my April, 21st 2001 wedding. I lost weight for that I was a size 5-6. Well after months of going to doctors and no explanations. Josh and I got married, and now I had insurance so that helped with doctors and such. Well they thought I had MS, no then finally after a year of being sick and knowing nothing I went to a specialist and he said your suffering from major depression, and Fibromyalgia, that is a painful muscle disorder for which there is no cure, or great treatment. I had to quit my job due to being so sick all the time. And I was able to receive disability. Well all of the sudden I started gaining weight like crazy from 2001-2003 I went from 125 to 162 which was so miserable for me I just wanted to die, but Josh never said a word, he said I'm beautful no matter what, and stuck by me through all the sickness. Well then I found a new doctor she put me on a natural thyroid supplement called Armour thyroid, and I felt better at least that way, And she also put me on a different antidepressnt Wellbutrin XL, and also Topamax for my pain and to help me sleep. Well now I'm the smallest I've ever been I'm 5'4, 113lbs the weight just gradually has fallen off over the period from 2003 till know, I have a hard time exercising because of my pain. So I worry that the meds are what is making me thin. But here is my problem. Now that I'm so small I'm so obseesed with remaining this way it's all I think about. I weigh myself every Tuesday and if thats up I just go nuts, I feel like i'm going to have a heart attack when i'm going to weigh myself because I'm so afraid of what it will say because I'm so afraid to be heavier again. I worry about everyting I eat, and I live on Salad latley and I've even become paranoid about those, I think of everything I put into my mouth down to gum. I'm constantly thinking about food, and how it will affect my weight, and terrified of being fat again. I feel like I'm barley living this just has complete control of me, and I would like to go get counseling but I can't afford it, and our insurance doesn't cover, and my husband was just laid off, and I get disablity due to my illness, and now I'm even more scared because my husband will have to go out on the road and drive truck to start making money, and I want to be with him, so that terrifies me even more with weight. I just don't know what to do. All I now is this is a major problem because I look in the mirror and I think I'm still fat, and I don't believe I'll ever be small enough. And I don't want to live this way anymore. Please any advice would be greatly apperciated.
Thanks,
Akarott

Hi there, akarott -- and welcome to the board!
First of all, I am so glad you got rid of Todd back then! He obviously was taking out anger at his dad on you.
I'm also glad you have such a wonderful husband that LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
~Diana~