newbee
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newbee
| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 6:20pm |
Hi,
this is my first time posting. I, like one of the other posters am not sure if I should really be here. I am 31 years old. Back in high school I struggled between boughts of anorexia and bulima. As I got older it was mostly just binging and purging or laxative abuse. I had stopped doing any of that about 5 years ago, but then I gained an enormous amount of weight and actually became an over eater. I hated myself every day that I looked in the mirror. This year I have lost 80 pounds and have slipped into old behaviors. I was, last year about 200 pounds and I am 5 foot 5 I was in a 16 or 18 jeans. I am now about 118 and a size 3 when I was fat I thought that I would be so happy if I could just get to 140, then 130, then I thought if I could just be 120. But I still feel like a baloon. I look at myself and I feel fat, fat , fat. I am now trying to get to 110, and though I know that I am not really under weight. I am not happy in this "normal" range. I am scared to eat. I am scared of that fat person I was. For years I struggled because I didnt want to be that person, then it happened and I am scared to death of going back to that. I just dont understand why I am not happy. People tell me that I am starting to look to thin. But, when they say that I dont believe it I think they just say that because I was fat. I am scared of gaining weight. I hate the way I look now, but I dont want to get sick. But something inside of me says that I can control what I am doing and if I couold just lose 10 or 15 more pounds I would be just fine. But, would I? Or would I still be unsatisfied. I am obsessed. I am looking into getting a tummy tuck. I spend alot of time worrying about how I look. Am I getting old, am I still atractive. Why cant I have the perfect body. I dont know what to do any more. I am far from unhealthy, Butt when I eat something, I hate myself for it. I tell myself that I am worthless because I cant even control what I put in my mouth. Then, I have started taking alot of diet pills a day and taking laxitives if I feel like I have had a bad day. I weigh myself like 5 times a day. And I am pissed at myself everytime I do. I am sorry if I am rambling. I am very confused. Yet, part of me doesnt want to get over this because I am scared of getting fat. I see all of these young girls who are thin and beautiful and I am scared to be old and unatractive. I obsess about any little line I might get on my face and am constantly looking at myself in the mirror. Please help me understand. thank you for listening
this is my first time posting. I, like one of the other posters am not sure if I should really be here. I am 31 years old. Back in high school I struggled between boughts of anorexia and bulima. As I got older it was mostly just binging and purging or laxative abuse. I had stopped doing any of that about 5 years ago, but then I gained an enormous amount of weight and actually became an over eater. I hated myself every day that I looked in the mirror. This year I have lost 80 pounds and have slipped into old behaviors. I was, last year about 200 pounds and I am 5 foot 5 I was in a 16 or 18 jeans. I am now about 118 and a size 3 when I was fat I thought that I would be so happy if I could just get to 140, then 130, then I thought if I could just be 120. But I still feel like a baloon. I look at myself and I feel fat, fat , fat. I am now trying to get to 110, and though I know that I am not really under weight. I am not happy in this "normal" range. I am scared to eat. I am scared of that fat person I was. For years I struggled because I didnt want to be that person, then it happened and I am scared to death of going back to that. I just dont understand why I am not happy. People tell me that I am starting to look to thin. But, when they say that I dont believe it I think they just say that because I was fat. I am scared of gaining weight. I hate the way I look now, but I dont want to get sick. But something inside of me says that I can control what I am doing and if I couold just lose 10 or 15 more pounds I would be just fine. But, would I? Or would I still be unsatisfied. I am obsessed. I am looking into getting a tummy tuck. I spend alot of time worrying about how I look. Am I getting old, am I still atractive. Why cant I have the perfect body. I dont know what to do any more. I am far from unhealthy, Butt when I eat something, I hate myself for it. I tell myself that I am worthless because I cant even control what I put in my mouth. Then, I have started taking alot of diet pills a day and taking laxitives if I feel like I have had a bad day. I weigh myself like 5 times a day. And I am pissed at myself everytime I do. I am sorry if I am rambling. I am very confused. Yet, part of me doesnt want to get over this because I am scared of getting fat. I see all of these young girls who are thin and beautiful and I am scared to be old and unatractive. I obsess about any little line I might get on my face and am constantly looking at myself in the mirror. Please help me understand. thank you for listening

Hi dannielle7474,
Welcome to the board!
~Diana~
Hi....
My post I just posted sounds an awful lot like what you posted. There are some differences, but a lot of similarities. I just started going to a nutritionist and am starting to see a counselor as well. I can only imagine that it will help. Maybe you could consider seeing a counselor if you are not already?
((HUGS)) I can completely identify with how you are feeling.
Kim