newbee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
newbee
2
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 6:20pm
Hi,
this is my first time posting. I, like one of the other posters am not sure if I should really be here. I am 31 years old. Back in high school I struggled between boughts of anorexia and bulima. As I got older it was mostly just binging and purging or laxative abuse. I had stopped doing any of that about 5 years ago, but then I gained an enormous amount of weight and actually became an over eater. I hated myself every day that I looked in the mirror. This year I have lost 80 pounds and have slipped into old behaviors. I was, last year about 200 pounds and I am 5 foot 5 I was in a 16 or 18 jeans. I am now about 118 and a size 3 when I was fat I thought that I would be so happy if I could just get to 140, then 130, then I thought if I could just be 120. But I still feel like a baloon. I look at myself and I feel fat, fat , fat. I am now trying to get to 110, and though I know that I am not really under weight. I am not happy in this "normal" range. I am scared to eat. I am scared of that fat person I was. For years I struggled because I didnt want to be that person, then it happened and I am scared to death of going back to that. I just dont understand why I am not happy. People tell me that I am starting to look to thin. But, when they say that I dont believe it I think they just say that because I was fat. I am scared of gaining weight. I hate the way I look now, but I dont want to get sick. But something inside of me says that I can control what I am doing and if I couold just lose 10 or 15 more pounds I would be just fine. But, would I? Or would I still be unsatisfied. I am obsessed. I am looking into getting a tummy tuck. I spend alot of time worrying about how I look. Am I getting old, am I still atractive. Why cant I have the perfect body. I dont know what to do any more. I am far from unhealthy, Butt when I eat something, I hate myself for it. I tell myself that I am worthless because I cant even control what I put in my mouth. Then, I have started taking alot of diet pills a day and taking laxitives if I feel like I have had a bad day. I weigh myself like 5 times a day. And I am pissed at myself everytime I do. I am sorry if I am rambling. I am very confused. Yet, part of me doesnt want to get over this because I am scared of getting fat. I see all of these young girls who are thin and beautiful and I am scared to be old and unatractive. I obsess about any little line I might get on my face and am constantly looking at myself in the mirror. Please help me understand. thank you for listening
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: dannielle7474
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:19pm

Hi dannielle7474,


Welcome to the board!

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for klty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dannielle7474
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:12pm

Hi....

My post I just posted sounds an awful lot like what you posted. There are some differences, but a lot of similarities. I just started going to a nutritionist and am starting to see a counselor as well. I can only imagine that it will help. Maybe you could consider seeing a counselor if you are not already?

((HUGS)) I can completely identify with how you are feeling.

Kim