Heading back down a bad road
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 4:41pm |
Hello. ladies, I am new to this board although I have participated on other ones on ivillage.com I have suffered from one incarnation or another of an eating disorder since I was 15 (I am currently 34). Sometimes it's more under control than at other times. Things have gotten bad in the past few months and I am, unfortunately, at a point where I am afraid to eat. I eat just enough to go to the gym (so I can avoid gaining weight, of course!) and I eat enough to put on a good show when I go out with my boyfriend. He has no idea how deep this runs in me - boy, is he in for a rough ride! I have an appointment tomorrow at an Eating Disorder Clinic to get myself back on track but I am really down in the dumps about this whole situation and I guess I am just looking for support from people who understand.
I have lost enough weight in the past few months for my parents and friends to start worrying. I am even starting to get freaked out because I took a hard look at myself in the mirror this morning and realized that I can count my ribs (not good!) and that my boobs have shrunken considerably (believe it or not THIS is the thing that has me most bummed - I feel shallow just writing that!) I guess the thing is that I want to have womanly curves but I am so afraid of gaining weight. I am hoping that when I meet with the nutrition counselor tomorrow I will be able to find a happy medium of eating healthy and putting back on the weight to bring me back to my "normal me" but not make me gain out of control. That's my fear. I know I have screwed my metabolism up but that's why I am seeking the help of the professionals. I am just at a point now that I hit back in high school where if I DON'T get help I will wind up taking this to a really bad place.
I want to be happy with me but I have such a hard time with it. I like who I am on the INSIDE I just don't like the package I come in.
Thanks for letting me vent and I hope that I will be able to find some support here and the knowledge that I am not alone in this battle.
-- chicklet

Of course you're not alone, chicklet!
~Diana~