Stress

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Stress
5
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:04pm
I am 22 years old and I have binged and purged for as long as I can remember recently it has gotten to the point where I do it at least once a day. I find it hard to control how much I eat and then when I come down from the high of eating I feel guilty and throw it up. I don't know what to do. Please let me know if you can help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: deftones_4_eva
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 6:03am

Hi,

I am glad you found this board and decided to open up. It's the first step and sometimes the hardest.

The way we can help is to be there for support, questions, and encouragment. While all those are helpful for recovery, I believe it's best to find a good counselor you can work with. If money is an issue you can probably find a counselor that will work for a reduced fee. Counseling in my opinion is really the best and fastest way to recover along with good support and some work of your own.

Have you told anybody else about your ED or are you dealing with this on your own?

Love & hugs, Kristina


“It helps to resign as the controller of your fate. All that energy we expend to keep things running right is not what keeps things running right.” ANNE LAMOTT



The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
In reply to: deftones_4_eva
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 1:17pm

A horrific and debilitating struggle just to protect yourself from yourself, right?

I started at age 16, distorted thinking about eating, body images years before that but started at 16 with cutting out all fats, which led to cutting out all food but Diet Coke, which led to anorexia, which led to nearly death, then led to compulsive exercise which kicked in the binging which kicked in the occasional purging, which then just let to compulsive eating and compulsive exercising which then led to the cycle (eating, exercising)... now, and I can't understand it, I have something called night eating.. I'll wake up and eat - really, without thinking about it. I still try to work out, but I'm gaining weight steadily, fear food during the day, try to be "good" but will binge at night. Also, have a renewed love for sugar and can't get enough... eating full boxes of Girl Scout cookies at once (more than one, too) I constantly think about food -- every second of the day. When I'm going to eat, what I"m going to eat, when I"m going to exercise, how many calories are in this beer I'm drinking.. I'll be 30 in a few weeks and fromthe outside I've got it all together -- I'm smart, great job, attractive (friends say, you know how I feel) and I come home and look at myself and cry - hate how I look, yell at myself for not being able to be "good" like I was at one time (when I was keeping up a strict diet of eating every hour and a half, 7 grams of protein, 8 grams of carbs, 1.5 grams of fat) throughout the day and down to a size less than 0 and weighing 93 pounds. I can't obtain it, never will but cannot find the peace of mind to let it all go.

I'm right there with you and thinking and praying for you. xoxox

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
In reply to: deftones_4_eva
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 11:18pm
I wish I was thin. For some reason I think to myself that if I get thin I will feel better. I have never been a small person. A size 5 was the smallest I ever was and I was 13 at that point. Now Im a size 16 and 210 lbs. I feel ugly and like there is nothing to me but that 210 lbs and i will never overcome it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
In reply to: deftones_4_eva
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 11:47pm
I'm so sorry you feel the way you do and it doesn't help when we tell ourselves we're ugly. You may or may not believe me when I tell you that I've felt just as ugly thin or heavy and sometimes, moreso when I'm thinner because I'm hungry all the time, mean and nasty... when your body weight gets that low you lose certain mental functions and what seems "normal" to you is no where near sane. Right now, I'm gaining weight but I'm a compulsive eater -- anorexia, compulsive eating, binging -- all the eating disorders stem from the same idea of feeding ourselves or not feeding ourselves to fill a void or to gain power over something in our life we can't control. Yesterday, I exercised, was "good" during the day, then at dinner, had a few glasses of wine, some appetizers, a main entree, a large piece of cake for dessert, but then came home and made an entire batch of brownies, ate it with an entire carton of cool whip, plus, I poured caramel and hot fudge over the top of it all. So, you can see that, while you might consider me skinny, my eating disorder has now taken on a compulsive eating turn and I feel just as ugly as you say you do. Why is it that, in our heads, we know what we're doing and we know we'll regret it and we hate how we look, but we eat because we hate how we look, and we hate how we look because of the way we eat. When I binge, it's as if I'm not even concious of what I'm doing -- it's like I'm in a trance.
Can I recommend a book to you? It's not a book to help you with your eating disorder, but it is a book that brought me great comfort. It's called "Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I read it one year when I was at the lowest I've ever been and it brought a calm to me and often, that's what I need when I'm in one of those trances and anxious about food. Best of luck to you. :-) xoxox
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: deftones_4_eva
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 1:40pm
Yes, there is help, lots of help out there -- reach for the people that can help you
 

 

~Diana~