counting calories?
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| Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:11am |
Hello,
I am trying so hard to recover from an eating disorder. I'm at a fairly acceptable weight (down from being very low, although I probably could still gain 5 pounds or so, but i'm healthy right now). I'm not scared of eating food, in fact i really enjoy eating. My problem though is just with control what i eat, how much and when. I calculate a daily meal plan for myself to make sure i get enough calories so i neither gain or lose weight (don't want either to happen) but whenever i break away from this plan, or eat out or something that i don't know what's in it (how many calories) i get so anxious and it's all i think about. It's almost like i don't trust myself to just eat, either i'd eat way to much or way to little. Does anyone have this type of problem? How many of you religiously count calories? or did and finally be that? and if so, how? I'd give anything to go a day without thinking about calories once....

Hi berryblis,
I did count calories for a while after I gave up bingeing, purging, and starvation and was at a good weight. I think it's just another form of control and shows that there are still some issues to resolve. Focusing on calories and counting them could possibly keeping you from something else that is going on that you don't want to address. Ask yourself what might be going on emotionally that you dont want to deal with.
Do you mind sharing how you were able to recover to the point where you are now? Maybe you could continue what ever approach you took to begin with. If you haven't been to counseling it is definitely something I would explore.
And do keep in mind it takes time to recover. When I was counting calories I so desperately wanted to stop but I think I just wasn't ready. And then eventually I was able to let go.
Love & hugs, Kristina
“It helps to resign as the controller of your fate. All that energy we expend to keep things running right is not what keeps things running right.” ANNE LAMOTT
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Thanks for your reply. I guess what made me recover this much was the fear of staying in the hospital. They gave me a choice, either I ate on my own, and gained at least a pound a week or I would be put as in inpatient in the hospital (this was about 6 years ago). I desperately did not want to go to the hospital so I made it my job that summer to eat and eat. and I mean eat (I think I was eating around 3600 calories a day, no joke, and it wasn't all healthy food either, almost like I made up for lost time or something). It's really quite remarkable now that I think about it, how I went from being so afraid of eating junk to just eating a lot of it in an effort to gain weight and how slowly the weight really did come on. Really surprised myself. Now I guess I"m at the point where I definintely don't want to lose weight (I will be the first to admit back when I was that thin I looked really bad), but I don't want to gain weight either. I think I somewhat equate looking good with sucess and fear that if I lose control and stop counting my weight will change and I won't look as good, thus won't be seen as successful. That's what I've come up with so far. I guess maybe the thing to do is have one day where one meal is uncontrolled maybe and go from there. Definintely though, when things get more out of control in other areas of my life (school, work, relationships, etc) I notice more and more how obsessed I get with food (but that is usually a result of my schedule changing meaning I can no longer plan all my meals how I want).
Hi there berryblis2004,
Oh I can so relate to equating looking *good* on the outside to appearing successful.
And there's still a bit of that in me but it isn't controlling my life.
~Diana~
Very cool that you have realized something about yourself!
~Diana~
Hello,
I just wanted to do a little update, I made some huge progress last night (well not huge, but it's a big step for me). Somehow after I finished my supper, normally about 30 minutes later I'd have my last snack before bed, just to make sure I got in all the calories i needed for the day (even though I was still so full during this point...this is the nightly binge I was talking about). But last night, I was able to say no, I'm not hungry and just go to bed. It was the first time in about 4 years I haven't had something to eat right before I went to sleep. I know not eating isn't the best, obviously since that's what ED's start at, but for me, my weight is acceptable and I think half the battle with getting over this is realizing it's okay to eat when I'm hungry (even if it isn't on 'the plan') and it's okay to not eat when I'm not. I've got to start listening to hunger signals again and learning to trust my body. For me this is a big step. Obviously I'm still FAR from recovered, but the empowerment just this little thing gave me, I guess it gives me hope for a future of change, one where I won't have to deal with these issues any longer.
Thanks for all your support!!
This is good news -- and you will get to that point!
Little steps add up to big steps.
~Diana~