Looking for some advice re: my daughter
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| Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:45pm |
I've not been here before, never needed to, but I really need some insight and guidance if someone can give it to me.
My 24yo dd was in a 2-yr relationship which just ended. The details are quite complicated and I don't really think I need to go into a whole lot of it right now (although I've posted it at another board if it is important for you to help me out.....). They were talking marriage, despite the fact that dh and I knew it was an unhealthy relationship and pretty much allowed it to play out. With no warning, XBF broke up with her (after telling her 2 days earlier how much he loved her) and she had to move out in the middle of the night because "he thought it would be the best for both of them" (they lived in his parents' home). This was 7 weeks ago.
Since the breakup, in addition to feeling like her heart was ripped out and like she was played for a fool, she has lost about 35 pounds. At first I thought it was because she was depressed (which she has been), but it started to become apparent that this is eating disordered behavior. In early high school she did go through some of this, but NEVER did she become dangerously underweight, and never did she lose this kind of weight in such a short time. At this time, she actually looks good, because she had gained about 40 pounds over the years she was in college and since she graduated - but clearly it is unhealthy and I am fearful she won't stop and she WILL become dangerously thin.
Once dd went off to college, the old ED behaviors decreased and she seemed OK. She is a psych major and even did research papers on anorexia, noting how dangerous it is and how sickly the women in the photos looked. NONE of this current ED behavior was present until XBF broke up with her - so it looks like she's essentially slipped into it as a reaction to her situation.
She is going to a doctor (actually, nurse practioner) to help her with the depression, and the NP is keeping track of her weight, as she sees what's happening. DD is on antidepressants and has been willing to keep going back to see her NP as often as she recommends - right now it's once a week. She is also in therapy, willingly, and intends to continue. The therapist knows about the food issue, and dd says they are working on it.
I myself have psych background and have done some research re: anorexia. I understand it is dd's way of maintaining control in a life that has been completely turned upside down. I've been very supportive, listened to her vent, hugged her, taken her to the doctor's office, tried as hard as I can to just listen and not advise.....I think I've done pretty well. But watching her starve herself is REALLY REALLY hard and I just don't know what to do! She says the more I try to get her to eat, the worse it gets. Intellectually I know this.....but I'm having so much trouble watching her do something so terribly unhealthy and potentially dangerous.
If anyone can give me some guidance, I'd really appreciate it. I just don't know what to do anymore!

Hi Calmama! :o)
I'm very sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through. I was once anorexic, so I'm hoping I can be helpful to you. Your daughter being in therapy willingly is a very good step in the right direction...it's showing that she wants help and is willing to receive it. Acknowledging that you need help is often the hardest part for some people.
I too went to a NP and looking back I would not have wanted it any other way. NP's can also explain to her the health risks associated with anorexia as well as monitor her health, to a certain degree, better than a counselor/therapist can.
Have you thought about taking your daughter to see a nutritionist? They can be very helpful in showing her what is an appropriate portion and help her get back on track with healthy eating. They can help her slowly increase her caloric intake, among other things, based upon what she is currently willing to eat.
The only thing you can really do for your daughter, as hard as it is, is to just support her as you have been. However, speaking from my own experience, trying to get your daughter to eat more, may just make her try to control her eating more. She has to want to stop this and want to get better. And it will happen. She will come around. There are many positives in your situation...going to see the NP and talking about things and being willing to continue in therapy, being on anti-depressants (there are some anti-depressants that specifically work for people with eating disorders), having a parent who supports her...all of that is very positive and can only do good.
I commend you on doing your own research about anorexia and being knowledgeable about it. I encourage you to continue to do that.
I will be keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
Hello (((calamama54)))
I hear your anguish and the pull between what you know is best for you to do and what you really feel like doing.
Please go to this site: www.somethingfishy.org.
~Diana~
Thank you both for your insight and kind words.
Calmama54, from the beautiful
Thanks for coming back, calmama.
~Diana~
Hi Calmama,
I went through something very similar to what your daughter is going through right now when I was a young woman in my early 20's. My then-fiance suddenly left me one spring day, and my world collapsed. In my case, it was a mix of depression, shock and a big blow for the self-esteem and self-confidence, as that not-very-dear-ex-fiance had left behind a whole list of reasons why he couldn't live with me. According to him, I just had too many flaws that I was unwilling to work on (it was three pages!). It didn't help that the woman he left me for was the very one whom nearly all of our male friends had put on a pedestal as the perfect woman.
I am glad to read that your daughter is going to therapy and getting the medical attention that she needs. I do remember my mother trying to get me to eat whilst we were on vacation a few months after my separation, and that made things worse for me. At one point I couldn't even stand the smell of food, and seeing people eat was horrifying to me. In my case, I gradually stepped away from ED five or six months after the separation, when I started to have a life I was happy with.
Right now your daughter also has to mourn the end of her relationship, and the safe world that that had been. Seven weeks is a relatively recent period of time, and perhaps not sufficient for your daughter to stabilise things enough to want to move out on her own. When our world collapses, it takes time to mourn its passing, to see what's left and to start picking up the pieces so that we can work on the next chapter of our life. Staying with you is the way that she makes herself safe in a time that is very shaky.
No, you are not responsible for what you daughter is going through right now, but cl-jammin is right when she says that you've got to take care of yourself in order to be of support for your daughter.
Please do come back again to tell us how you are both doing.