A really hard day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
A really hard day...
7
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 8:11pm
I've been a week of sticking to my always eat 100% of my food plan. As the weekend looms closer (I'm on my own in the weekends) I feel my faith go out of this plan. It is hard enough to do this in the hospital how am I going to do it at home? I just feel shaken. Like this is just too much for me to do. Yet, I did it last weekend, but this time I am less sure...on rocky ground. I just feel scard, like my whole recovery world is not good. Last weekend I knew that I could do it, this time I sure I can't. Yet, I made my choice and I am sticking with it. I just don't know how yet. This is what I dread...falling back into the old ways of doing things, like all I've done before does not matter...it's all for not and I'm left with this house that is where I once starved myself, and because I did it before I will do it again.
This whole post feels like a pity party. I wish I had hope right now, but it has been a bad day. I just had a hard time. I group triggered some things from the past and that made me feel bad, and then I got into an emtional mess with my doctor, and all in all I feel down in the dumps. Just do...maybe later I will get some hope, but it is not here now. Right now I know that this is hard. So hard...I'm just not in a good place. What matters is what goes from my plate to my mouth, and there I feel some hope. I know that it is possible for me to show up and eat. I've done it before and I can do it again. Taking a simple bite is what it is all about, and I can do that. I have my meal plans. I have my times to eat. This is something that worked last week and can work again. So, there is hope if I get courage. And I think I have some of that. It's just been a really hard day.
In Love and Peace, Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 6:10am

((((((Anna))))))


I don't think your post is a pity



Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:43pm

"I've done it before and I can do it again"


Don't you forget that. That is the same thing I have to keep in mind about quitting smoking. I quit for a year and then started again.


Take it one day, one meal at a time. You can do it!


Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 4:20pm
Thanks. I will try, and somehow I will do this! That agreement with myself is still on. I will do this. This weekend should be better than last...I have five more days of eatting 100% and this is helping me make that a habit. So, all in all I think it is something that I can and will do. I also plan on doing things each day that will get me out of the house. I need that. I'm looking forward to sleeping in and going at this at my own place. Slower and later than the program does it. Waking up this early (to come to the program) I have to wake up at 6:45. This is very early for me and all in all I am very tired. I hope to get some good rest this weekend. Just being on my own in my own thoughts will be a joy to. I like being on my own in my own little word. With good books to read, and a book to write (as well as a journal to write in.)I should be one happy girl. Yes all in all it is a joy to look forward to. (big smiles). I'm on my own again and I can do this. I feel bless to be where I am and be able to move closer to health once more. Wondering how you are...how is your ED right now. Hope you are doing well and had a good day.
Blessings and love~*Anna
In Love and Peace, Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 4:39pm

Poppy,
Your post was so dead on that I thought that I would respond to it by taking out things and responding directly to them. Thanks for the hope in your post.

~*~*I think that you are feeling a lot of anxiety about being on your own for the week-end, and that this anxiety is making you wonder about yourself.*~*

Yea, I am. Thanks for putting these feeling into words for me. I am full of anxiety and it is hurting me. Yet I am being filled with hope. These posts are making me belive in myself again. I can do this one small step at a time. One bite at a time.

I'm not longer with DH. I'm slowly becoming okay with this. It just happend a few months ago, so it is still new. But, I think I can do things with the meals that will help me out. I'm not sure what, but I will think about it.
I'm feeling sad and scard, but also hopeful. This is my time, and I can do this one step at a time. I feel good about this weekend and think that all in all I will eat 100% and have some fun too.
Hope all is wel with you,and you are having a happy day.
Love and blessings,~*Anna

In Love and Peace, Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:26am

This is what I dread...falling back into the old ways of doing things, like all I've done before does not matter...

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 3:12am

I am glad that you are hopeful. Hope is a very good light to have in one's heart and on one's path.


One step at a time is how we navigate from where we were to get to where we want to be. I've been in places in my life where taking one step forward was all I could do; I've



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:27am
A serious life event happend to trigger this. Strss is a difficult thing to deal with so we all revert to ourcrutches, whatever they may be. At this point you realize that you are not reponsible for anyone else's happiness but your own. Don't Sacrafice that, you are 2 strong and you have been able to develop ideas and goals of where you are going and what you want out of life. Don't let any cut you short of your perfection!