*Triggers* about me
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*Triggers* about me
| Thu, 03-16-2006 - 5:26pm |
Thanks to everyone who gave imput on my other post, I have been away and didn't have acess to the site but I am back now and decided to post about myself.
Sorry if it is a little long:
Thanks for reminding me I am not alone in this. Sometimes it can really feel that way. I know that I need to change my ways and find better ways to deal with my stress and feeling like I have no control of the situation. But, once I start b/p to cope, then that becomes all I think about. I am at work and just think about going and getting food when I get off and then as I am eating I map out in my head the best bathroom to use. I feel myself going back to my old ways. It is hard because when I was doing this before I lost so much weight and in a way I felt the best about myself then. People gave me complements on how good I looked all the time. Until one day the complemints stopped and the whispering started. (this was when I was in highschool) A college advisor who only saw me once a month is the one that finally said something to me. The last time she had seen me she congradlated me on how good I looked. This time, she was concerned. She told me "If I see you any thinner at graduation I will find your parnets and ask them why the hell they haven't gotten you help." I blew her off and kept saying nothing was wrong with me. But when I went home I stared in the mirror and still saw the same girl I saw 6months before when I was 5'5" 163 and now I was 102. I knew the scale didn't lie. But the mirror sure did. I never looked thinner in my mind. I KNEW that my jeans only fit cause my "womanly" hip bones kept them on. But I still wasn't happy. But, I decided to make changes. I got scared that I looked really scary. That people thought I was SKELETOR. So, I stopped going to the gym everyday (which was stupid, I shoulda just cut back) then I told myself I would try to cut back on the purging. My family went on vacation right after graduation ,that is when I chose to do it. I figure the enviornment would be so different it would be easy to make that change. Well, it wasn't. The first time I ate w/o purgin i got nervous and sweatty and my heart was racing. I was in panic that the food I ate was going to be digested. But I had no time to get away alone and purge. When I came back from vacation I had gained some weight and started feeling better, I had more energy and wasn't cold all the time. Then, at college I would b/p on occasion but was around people all the time and that prevented me from doing it as much as I would have. I then got a bf who I confessed my secret to. He was the first one I ever told. He ended up becoming my fiance 2 years later. After 3 years of being together he turned on me and told me that he didn't want to be with someone who was so FAT (I had gone up to 133pounds) this sent me into a great depression which I got counceling for, but in the meantime my stress binging (w/o purging) has caused me to gaing anouther 45 pounds. Now, at 178 I feel helpless. I don't know how to lose weight in a healthy way. I keep going back to my old ways. Even stepping into the fitness center at school brings back the memoories and temptations of the past. I want to be healthy and resist my old ways. . .but as I sit here I can only think about my next b/p episode. Thanks for readin this and sorry it is so long. I just need someone to understand me and maybe support me.
Sorry if it is a little long:
Thanks for reminding me I am not alone in this. Sometimes it can really feel that way. I know that I need to change my ways and find better ways to deal with my stress and feeling like I have no control of the situation. But, once I start b/p to cope, then that becomes all I think about. I am at work and just think about going and getting food when I get off and then as I am eating I map out in my head the best bathroom to use. I feel myself going back to my old ways. It is hard because when I was doing this before I lost so much weight and in a way I felt the best about myself then. People gave me complements on how good I looked all the time. Until one day the complemints stopped and the whispering started. (this was when I was in highschool) A college advisor who only saw me once a month is the one that finally said something to me. The last time she had seen me she congradlated me on how good I looked. This time, she was concerned. She told me "If I see you any thinner at graduation I will find your parnets and ask them why the hell they haven't gotten you help." I blew her off and kept saying nothing was wrong with me. But when I went home I stared in the mirror and still saw the same girl I saw 6months before when I was 5'5" 163 and now I was 102. I knew the scale didn't lie. But the mirror sure did. I never looked thinner in my mind. I KNEW that my jeans only fit cause my "womanly" hip bones kept them on. But I still wasn't happy. But, I decided to make changes. I got scared that I looked really scary. That people thought I was SKELETOR. So, I stopped going to the gym everyday (which was stupid, I shoulda just cut back) then I told myself I would try to cut back on the purging. My family went on vacation right after graduation ,that is when I chose to do it. I figure the enviornment would be so different it would be easy to make that change. Well, it wasn't. The first time I ate w/o purgin i got nervous and sweatty and my heart was racing. I was in panic that the food I ate was going to be digested. But I had no time to get away alone and purge. When I came back from vacation I had gained some weight and started feeling better, I had more energy and wasn't cold all the time. Then, at college I would b/p on occasion but was around people all the time and that prevented me from doing it as much as I would have. I then got a bf who I confessed my secret to. He was the first one I ever told. He ended up becoming my fiance 2 years later. After 3 years of being together he turned on me and told me that he didn't want to be with someone who was so FAT (I had gone up to 133pounds) this sent me into a great depression which I got counceling for, but in the meantime my stress binging (w/o purging) has caused me to gaing anouther 45 pounds. Now, at 178 I feel helpless. I don't know how to lose weight in a healthy way. I keep going back to my old ways. Even stepping into the fitness center at school brings back the memoories and temptations of the past. I want to be healthy and resist my old ways. . .but as I sit here I can only think about my next b/p episode. Thanks for readin this and sorry it is so long. I just need someone to understand me and maybe support me.

Have you sought professional help?
~Diana~
There's a reason you called yourself Spunky Chic, and I believe that you do have the necessary spunkiness in you to help you through these difficult time.
I am glad that fiance of yours is now an ex. How cowardly and
Ask your therapist for a referral to a dietician. She might know of someone, and perhaps she's also worked together with this person before ~ which would be a boon for you. Your GP would also be a good place to ask for a referral. I am always amazed at the resources my GP has!
I am glad you have very caring friends. We all need these kinds of friendships, in good and bad times.
I have to tell you that I have a love-hate relationship with fitness centers. They scare me. The people in there intimidate me, even when I was in good physical shape. The best times I had at the fitness centers were when I had it to myself (it was a small gym, and no one went at 7 am), and when it was a huge gym when I worked with a personal trainer, who would guide me, make sure that I was using the machines correctly. He also would be very flexible with the exercises we did. If I was ill, he choose suitable ones for me to do.
What I like about hatha yoga is that we gradually learn to listen to ourselves. Competition with others, rampant in gyms, was greatly discouraged. Even competition with ourselves was discouraged. We were asked to do our best, and to deepen our stretch just a little bit more each time. No forcing ourselves.
Poppy,
Well said about ex-bf!!
~Diana~