Need to vent...hope someone is listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Need to vent...hope someone is listening
6
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 6:49pm
I have not written on this board but I feel the need to express my emotions to someone... anyone that will listen. I do not like talking about these things to my friends and family because "I have been struggling for so many years and there is only so much they can take. I was diagnosed with Anorexia about 9 years ago. Since that time, it has been an up and down battle with anorexia, bulimia, body dismorphia, excessive exercising, no fat diets, south beach diet, negative thoughts, cutting, and at times fairly normal eating. I felt I had my eating disorder in check about two years ago when I went on the south Beach diet. Two years past and I became tired of eating no fruit and bread. I never allowed myself to stray from the first phase in the diet. that lead to binges which lead to a few purges, but not many. I have not cut in years and feel I am past that point in my life. I have recently begun to see a dietitian who is helping me with portion control and listening to my body. When I am hungry and full, what I am in the mood to eat, etc. I have also begun looking for a new therapist, with encouragment from my supportive boyfriend. My dietitian says that I may never be a "normal"eater to everyone else but I may be "normal" for me. I have always had a strange relationship with my body and food, which I am sure most of us have. I can remember being 7 years old and thinking of playtime as a way to exercise. I could never let my food touch or I would completely flip out. Now, I am being plagued by guilt every single day. Every piece of food that enters my mouth, I feel guilty about. Since going off the South beach diet, I have gained 3 pounds. Which to me feel like so much because I am only 5 feet tall. I recently told a women at work that I have been struggling with eating issues for years and she was shocked. My persona is so different at work than at home. Even my family and best friends do not know how awful I feel inside. I do not want to worry them and hope that I can deal with this in a professional manner. It is just so discoraging to feel so awful and guilty all the time. I am successful and starting my life and I have all these internal "ghosts" that may never go away. Some days I wish for the flu so that I have an excuse not to eat. Some days I wish that I would magically be normal. Some days I fear that I would be nothing without my ED. If anyone has been watching "The REal World" you will notice the anorexic girl on the show and you may see yourself in her. A good friend of mine told me a few days ago "that girl is you". Not her physical apperance but the way she ats and feels. I am not sure what this will accomplish but I am crubling inside and can not wait to begin seeing someone to help me. This is an awful feeling and I just don't want to live this way anymore. Why are there people like us? what happens to young girls that make them hate themselves, the way the look? Why does a scale decide what type of day I am having? Why do I never feel thin enough? Why do I even want to be thin when I see so many happy girls, who are not? ---- scared and sad
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 9:20am

Hey scared and sad.


First of all, (((hugs))) to you for coming here and venting.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 6:13pm
Thank you so much for responding to my post. I really believe that I will beat this one day but it is so very hard! I have been in this place before and know I will eventually get out of it. Today, I asked my boyfriend to get rid of my scale for me. I am very proud of myself for doing that. I am scared to not have it but tired of feeling aweful because of a number. I felt so great when I was on the south beach diet.. in the beginning. But I think I just found a new way to use my eating disorder. Again, restricting whole food groups. I just started to add grains back into my diet and I feel huge and slow. But I am hoping that by adding three grains a day, I will regulate my body to something I have been denying it daily. Though, I am not sure and I am scared to gain weight. I dont want to eat those grains, but they do taste good and I want to eat them. I'm not sure why I felt so thin without them. Can a grain really make you gain a lot of weight? I don't know. My dietitian says that only calories can make you gain weight, but there are so many mixed messages out there. I am still restructing my caloric intake but not to an extreme level. Just not a lot. I called the therapist today and hopefully someone will be getting back to me soon. I also believe that I get worse in the winter. I love to run outside in the summer and soke up all the warmth. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 5:57am

Congratulations on getting rid of your scale, on calling the therapist, and on adding grains to your diet. You did courageous and difficult things today, Magoo.


Diana has written you an incredibly insightful reply. The only thing that I wanted to add is that those people that you see happy all the time? Well, no one is happy all the time, whatever shape and form they are in. Most people put on a happy face for the sake of others, and also for their own sake. I am one of those women whom people think has been blessed with a very easy and great life. I think some look at me as a carefree and easygoing princess who has no care in the world. But if you look at my sigs, you'll see that I moderate three sensitive boards, and it's for a reason. It's something that I keep to myself and a few close friends IRL, and of course when here online.


I always remind myself and tell others that it's okay to feel crummy, and afraid and whatever is it we are feeling. We're humans, our lives have ups and downs. It's unrealistic to expect us to be happy or successful all the time. What's important is to know the reasons why we are feeling down or afraid, and to not let those feelings take over and control our lives. Easier said than done, I know, but we have to start somewhere.


If you've noticed that you tend to be depressed in the winter months, then you might want to think about getting a light box (for light therapy) next autumn. My friend's husband had seasonal affective disorder when they lived in Alaska, and the light box halped him a lot.


I hope that you will get the appoitment with your therapist soon. You sound like a very thoughtful and generally grounded person, and this will help you a lot.


All my best,





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 1:23pm

I always remind myself and tell others that it's okay to feel crummy, and afraid and whatever is it we are feeling.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 5:25am

((((((((((hugs))))))))))




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 8:50pm
I feel the same way as you!! I know this may not be encouraging to you, but its weid to hear someone else say that they wish to have the flu, so they dont have the eat. Try going to a nutritionist, i had one and she helped me a load. Haha and yeah i see some of the same behaviors that I have in paula, on the real world.
xoxo britt