mourning in recovery
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| Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:26pm |
Hi everyone. Just thought I'd drop in with a brief update and type out some emotions that I am processing. Food's getting fairly under control, and so is my weight, and that's hard but good. Now we're tackling some of the deeper and more underlying issues. These last few weeks my T and I have been talking about and working through the internal thoughts and things I tell myself. Last night she asked me to vocalize some of them. We talked through several of them, which was hard and then I went home, had a minor spat with my husband and ended up sobbing. I'm still crying off and on today (not over the spat but over how much I dislike myself).
It's so hard to bring the emotions and the things I tell myself out in the open. It brings these thoughts and internal voices to the forefront of my mind, makes them feel more real, is getting in the way of my day and my happiness, and all of this feels horrible. And, to top it all off, this is happening the day before my 30th birthday. I want to feel good on my birthday. I have no fears or anxiety about turning 30, I just don't want to be so depressed about the other stuff going on in life tonight when we celebrate, tomorrow on my actual birthday, or this weekend when my family and friends are in town.
I talked to my T again this morning because I knew I needed her to remind me that I am not the horrible person that I tell myself I am and build me up a bit after the tear-down from last night's session. It felt good to talk with her, but I still feel like I want to go home, climb into bed and cry. She also said it's completely normal to mourn in recovery. I feel like there's so much to mourn right now, but I don't want the mourning to ruin the celebration of this birthday milestone.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling, depressing message. In real life everyone thinks of me as an upbeat, happy, stong, solid and dependable person. Right now I am so far from being that person, and I guess I feel like I need an understanding 'shoulder to cry on' as I mourn in recovery, even if it is over cyberspace.

(((so_cal)))
I think you are doing a remarkable job.
~Diana~
Good to hear that your eating and weight is stabilizing and especially that you are starting to deal with some of the underlying issues. Without doing that you can never fully get over it.
Your emotionality today is due to the work you did in therapy, I'm almost certain. It is tough to deal with those things.
Don't ever apologize for posting. That is why we're here.
Keep trying and posting.
Love & hugs, so_cal
"Today's a lot better and I am making sure to do the things I want to do so that I feel good about who I am and where I am at in this recovery journey."
THAT is what I love to hear! It reminds me of my wellness recovery action plan! Did I post that? (Mind is full of holes haha)
How's it going?
~Diana~
Enjoy your party!
~Diana~