mourning in recovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
mourning in recovery
7
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:26pm

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd drop in with a brief update and type out some emotions that I am processing. Food's getting fairly under control, and so is my weight, and that's hard but good. Now we're tackling some of the deeper and more underlying issues. These last few weeks my T and I have been talking about and working through the internal thoughts and things I tell myself. Last night she asked me to vocalize some of them. We talked through several of them, which was hard and then I went home, had a minor spat with my husband and ended up sobbing. I'm still crying off and on today (not over the spat but over how much I dislike myself).

It's so hard to bring the emotions and the things I tell myself out in the open. It brings these thoughts and internal voices to the forefront of my mind, makes them feel more real, is getting in the way of my day and my happiness, and all of this feels horrible. And, to top it all off, this is happening the day before my 30th birthday. I want to feel good on my birthday. I have no fears or anxiety about turning 30, I just don't want to be so depressed about the other stuff going on in life tonight when we celebrate, tomorrow on my actual birthday, or this weekend when my family and friends are in town.

I talked to my T again this morning because I knew I needed her to remind me that I am not the horrible person that I tell myself I am and build me up a bit after the tear-down from last night's session. It felt good to talk with her, but I still feel like I want to go home, climb into bed and cry. She also said it's completely normal to mourn in recovery. I feel like there's so much to mourn right now, but I don't want the mourning to ruin the celebration of this birthday milestone.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, depressing message. In real life everyone thinks of me as an upbeat, happy, stong, solid and dependable person. Right now I am so far from being that person, and I guess I feel like I need an understanding 'shoulder to cry on' as I mourn in recovery, even if it is over cyberspace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:06pm

(((so_cal)))


I think you are doing a remarkable job.

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:38pm

Good to hear that your eating and weight is stabilizing and especially that you are starting to deal with some of the underlying issues. Without doing that you can never fully get over it.


Your emotionality today is due to the work you did in therapy, I'm almost certain. It is tough to deal with those things.


Don't ever apologize for posting. That is why we're here.


Keep trying and posting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 6:27pm
Diana & Amanda. Thanks for your encouragement. Today's a lot better and I am making sure to do the things I want to do so that I feel good about who I am and where I am at in this recovery journey. Tonight might suck though because I more or less have to make a decision about signing a form allowing the group leaders to talk to my T. Not a fun decision to make any day, let alone on my birthday. But, it's one that needs to be made. I'm still waffling on the issue each minute I think about it. Oh well... Anyhow, thanks again for your encouragement and support!
Love & hugs, so_cal
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:35pm

"Today's a lot better and I am making sure to do the things I want to do so that I feel good about who I am and where I am at in this recovery journey."


THAT is what I love to hear! It reminds me of my wellness recovery action plan! Did I post that? (Mind is full of holes haha)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 2:46pm

How's it going?


 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 8:47pm
Thanks for asking...things are pretty okay right now. On Thursday I did end up signing the form allowing the group leaders to talk to my T, and I feel good about that decision...and most importantly it's one my husband and I made together. The birthday celebrations have been good. Tonight's the big party...35 friends and family are all coming together at my favorite place to celebrate together. The bad thoughts are still there, but I haven't vocalized or written them down because I am not in the mood to deal with them right now, if that makes sense. I think I can only tackle a few things at a time right now and I need a bit of a break from the hard stuff so I can focus on having some fun and celebrating. I think the hardest one I'm wrestling with right now is my perceived size vs. my real size. And, I just went shopping with my parents...reality speaks when clothes shopping, but in the mirrors I see something totally different. The good news is I actually found a few things that fit and will work well for both the party tonight and work, as well as some great shoes. So, while I may not feel that great about myself, at least I will look put together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 8:59pm

Enjoy your party!

 

 

~Diana~