My week ****big trigs. numbers mentioned

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
My week ****big trigs. numbers mentioned
3
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:44pm

My week has gone okay. I thought that I had been doing "terribly" (in the eyes of my anorexic mind) with my eating this week, but apparantly I had been eating less than I thought because I lost 4 lbs this week.


I was really triggered at my eating disorder group yesterday and had a panic attack (minus the hyperventillation for some reason). What had been going on was I was trying to add something to the conversation and kept being cut off so that made me feel a little unheard plus I was frustratated with the fact that I would lose my train of thought within 2 seconds anyway and not be able to contribute because of that. Then came the discussion of BMI. My friend is in the hospital for depression, sleep disorder and eating disorder and she was quite upset, maybe triggered when her doctor told her that her BMI was 19 and that she was at a safe weight. For one thing I thought that 19 was the underweight cut off and for two I know that I am 4 lbs away from being "underweight' according to my BMI so how is it possible that she could be not underweight when she is half my size.


I think I was a little jealous too. I know there is a part of me that does not want to get better and that thinks that until I'm S's size and in the hospital that I can't get well until I'm "that" sick.


On the plus side I ate healthy the last two days, still not "enough" according to normal standards but I'm glad I didn't eat the junk I had been eating earlier in the week. (Surprised that I lost 4 lbs with all that junk that I ate).


Now I'm scared that despite not eating enough I'm going to start gaining. I was eating 300-500 calories and didn't lose weight so why would I think that I would lose weight now? I know I should not want to lose weight but I can't quiet that voice.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury board


co-cl of the Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board


cl of the Get Organized board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:45pm

Hi (((Amanda)))


S is S and you are Amanda!

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:26am

Thanks Diana.


Yes we did discuss the competition that goes on between ED patients. I didn't contribute. I didn't want anyone to feel off-put, but I do feel jealous and like I'm the fattest one there. That makes me feel like I don't

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:12pm

Hi Amanda,


How did the expressive arts class go?

 

 

~Diana~