living with this (possible trigger)
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| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 11:18am |
hi everyone. I'm 39 and have had ED's for many years, 25 years to be exact. Did the bulimia, anorexia, combination, when I was younger but to be more "healthy" today i'm more of a restricter/exercise type. This has become a way of life for me. I do not allow myself to get anorexic thin however I dont want to gain any weight and at times wish I was 5-8 pounds thinner which would put me at a 18.5 bmi. I know what I do is not "normal", other women seem to look at me either with admiration or jealousy. I wonder if they speculate that I have a problem or if they figure I have everything under control? I know i need help but I'm afraid to change, I'm afraid to be "normal". I have five beautiful children, wonderful husband/marriage, and I'm a SAHM. My husband knows I need help and its usually once a month (around my period) that my moods about my appearance get out of control (crying/depression). I go see my GYN for my yearly in a few weeks so i'll talk to him about this AGAIN. He's put me on paxil and wellbutrin for the depression but I stopped taking them in fear of gaining weight. Again, I dont want to lose tons of weight, I just dont want to gain. This is a control game for me I want to control how much I weigh, yet I still do not like what I see.
BTW I know why I have an ED, I've already figured all that out w/out therapy. I know I need to be in therapy or something but I just dont want to pay for it and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be cured...or will I ever? Does a person w/an ED always have those distorted thoughts? ...sorry for rambling. If anything I hope others can give me support here, and I can do the same!
Kiki

Hi Kiki and welcome!
You and I have a lot in common -- the amount of time we've had ED's, being SAHM, the cyclical mood swings, even that we're getting our yearly check up soon.
~Diana~