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| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 4:49pm |
I realize I'm posting this near the end of the week. Take your time with this, though.
What does the word *fat* mean to you?
~~Diana~~
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Wow, tough question. To me fat is my identity. It has nothing to do with the scale or the mirror. I felt fat when I was my lowest weight. I have been diagnosed with ED-NOS and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) (among countless other non-ED dx's). "Fat" is not about trans fats or polyunsaturates, but rather a state of self-hate that I've harboured for 13 years. I don't know what it is about myself that I hate, but I realize that it manifests in that feeling of "fat". I know that my eating disorder isn't about being fat, or it wasn't. Now yes I definately want to be thinner. I don't know why I stopped eating in the first place, but it was before I thought I was fat. It was only when my friend ratted
Hi berryblis -- welcome back.
Thank you for your honesty.
~Diana~
Fat to me is a feeling of disgust and failure; essentually, a feeling of all LOSS. By saying that I'm fat, I'm really saying I don't like myself that I'm ugly. I feel ugly on the inside, therefore, I MUST be ugly (fat) on the outside. Part of my distorted image has to do with not liking myself and by not being satisfied with anything I've done.
My low self esteem began when I was a small child. Somehow, somewhere, or by someone I learned to believe that I was not good enough. I always compared myself to friends/peers...never to celebrities. I wished I had the self esteem to play sports or stand in front of a group and demonstrate my aptitudes. I have trouble forgiving myself for past mistakes or by not taking opportunities out of fear. I believe that what I "think" I see is what others see. The ironic thing is I don't like looking in the mirror, I'm afraid to.
I wish I could give myself more credit and see my accomplishments and really appreciate all that I am.
Hi berryblis (((hugs)))
I know what you mean about toxic people, even if the memories are from the distant past or the present.
You never know how things might change in the future
~Diana~
Thanks so much for your replies! Yah, it's just crazy to think how one single person can have such an impact on how we think and now lead our lives. I'm not even around this person anymore but the thoughts still haunt me, it's like I transfered how he thought to how everyone else in the world thinks.
The thing that bothers me the most about still having ED thoughts is that I feel I cannot really get on with my life, like i'm afraid to get into any sort of romantic relationship because I feel like I'm 'hiding' this from the other person and it worries me that they would interfere with my meal plans, etc (I eat enough right now but am very anal about making sure I'm eating an exact amount and having control of what and when I eat). I'm not sure if I'll ever get over that though and that really scares me.
Does anyone else deal with these issues?
You know what, what you said about transfering the way he thinks into how you percieve everyone else is thinking is probably true. Other people can shape our minds to think that way.
I think with time the ED thoughts will go away, just keep working at it. At least you are eating enough. That's always good to hear. And if you were in a romantic relationship you wouldn't really be hiding anything. It would be quite obvious that you are strict about your food and if someone can't accept that then their loss. You don't need to tell someone you are involved in everything you are thinking.
Hey,
Thanks for your reply! Yah, you are right, I guess it would be fairly obvious that I'm strict with what I eat. The last relationship I was in the guy made a lot of comments about it and basically said it drove him nuts though, that he could never cook for me and it got to the point I basically avoided eating around him which isn't good. I just feel so self-conscious about it. I guess what bothers me the absolute most about everything is yes I am eating enough which is great, but I still feel so bound by a meal plan. Like I get so anxious if I have to go somewhere and won't be home to eat in time or someone asks me out to supper where I won't know what I'm eating. Its like I plan my life around food instead of the other way around. I want to overcome this so desperately but for some reason part of me just wants to hang on. I guess the thing is that I'm fairly involved with fitness and eating healthy so I feel if I monitor everything I eat I'll make the most progress with that (recovering from workouts, building more muscle, etc) so it's like I either do that and be super strict and follow a plan to the exact letter or just lose it completely and not really see any progress there (with fitness). So strange how screwed up our minds can get....
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