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~*~QOTW~*~
| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 4:49pm |
I realize I'm posting this near the end of the week. Take your time with this, though.
What does the word *fat* mean to you?
~~Diana~~
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Hi kg,
(((Hugs)) to you and thanks for replying.
~Diana~
Hi Amanda -- I am so sorry it has taken
~Diana~
Well my mood has increased once again, and I am trying to do more and more of the things on my wellness plan.
My eating disorder is still not under control. I still want to lose weight. i can't get passed that. I want to be a certain weight for my friend's wedding.
Hmm... interesting question, Diane.
I'm of two minds about this.
There's a part of me that hates fat and the fat genes I've inherited. I hate it with a vengeance when I am fat, and really, it's not easy being a taller, bigger Asian model with generous hips when your compatriots are naturally tiny, slim (from the front) and thin (in profile).
Fat for me means letting go, not caring and taking care enough of oneself, not taking care of one's health. It means running towards food during emotional distress (my mother is a compulsive eater).
There's the survivor of sexual abuse in me who likes fat. Fat means that I become invisible, I don't stand out anymore, I don't shine out. No leers, no suggestive looks. Being invisible and unattractive makes me feel safe, and with safety come comfort.
I know what you mean about the leers and looks.
~Diana~
No, I didn't mean model as in model but as type. Though I did model briefly when I was a teenager and I was offered to be a model had I wanted to lose about 10 lbs.
I'm just generally taller than the average Asian. There are a lot of young Asians who are very tall these days (a few cousins and nieces and nephews come to mind), but yeah, I'm still taller than most in the streets or at the malls.
Yes, I am really uncomfortable with the way I look, and not only with regards to my body. When someone says I look lovely or am beautiful, etc, I don't believe them. Talking about beauty (mine) is a subject that
I think I can see why you're uncomfy with comments about your looks, considering your history.
~Diana~
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