Nowhere else to take this...
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| Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:58am |
In advance, I'm sorry. I don't like subjecting anyone to my 'woe is me' sessions, but I really don't have anywhere else to go with them right now.
Maybe it doesn't count as anorexia if it was accidental--sort of accidental. I decided I wanted to maintain my weight, and so I began cutting down on calories pretty severely. No snacks during the day, eat only enough at mealtimes to keep my stomach from rumbling, drink lots of water, and think how happy I would be when bathing suit weather came around. I knew it would be hard, diets are always hard, but you can get used to anything, even hunger pangs. I was having a power bar at breakfast, a cup (and I mean a cup you would hold in the palm of your hand) of soup for lunch, and a small frozen dinner in the evening. I think I went on like that for a few weeks, I was so proud of myself for the willpower I'd shown, and I wasn't gaining any weight. Then I did a calorie count, and it turns out I was probably getting about 600 calories a day.
I'm taking care to eat more, but now I feel like everyone is just hovering over me and watching, telling me to eat more. Are they trying to stuff me like a turkey?! After all that work I put in, and my family just wants me to flush it down the toilet. I'm really not hungry as much as I used to be, and frankly to have people keep shoving food at me just makes me resent them. And resent food. There are days when I go to the kitchen, open the cupboard and suddenly experience this wave of...despair, I guess, or horror. "There's no way I can eat that", I'll find myself thinking, "I just can't put that in my stomach, it'd be unendurable", and it doesn't matter what I'm looking at. I make sure to have plenty of tasty things around. But eating...I have to make myself do it, because I know my body needs fuel, so I choke something down and afterwards it feels completely alien in my stomach. Like I swallowed rocks, or gardening tools, something that was never meant to be nourishment.
I had hoped my new anti-depressant would help, but nothing has changed. I hate food. I love food. I resent it ruling my life. I need it. I want it to go away. Maybe there isn't a name for what's wrong with me, I don't know...

I'm not here to diagnose (none of us are) so I can't say for sure if it counts as an eating disorder, but I'd likely say yes. The fact that you are here tells me you want to change. But that is going to have to happen slowly so it's comfortable for you. You'll have to retrain your brain. Remember everything is okay in moderation.
Don't worry about how much others think you should be eating. Just go at your pace and try to get to a normal level, 1200-2000 calories, when it is comfortable to you.
Don't worry that your hard work has been for nothing. Your metabolism will adjust.
I wish you well.
Hi there rosebride and welcome ~~
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now.
~Diana~
Hi Rosebride,
You didn't mention how long you've been on the anti-depressant. It takes about 4 weeks for an anti-depressant to fully kick-in and do what it's supposed to do. I've started to take Prozac again, and it's only been two weeks so I know that I have to wait another couple of weeks for this mild depression to lift and for life to stabilize once more.
Are you also in therapy? How are you doing this week?
Hi there rosebride,
~Diana~
Hi (((rosebride))), it's so nice to see you again!
I don't know if you have done this:
~Diana~
The thing about online messageboards is that people come at different times of the day, and at different days of the week. So you have to check back for a few days to see about replies to your post. One thing is sure, though - you'll always get a reply, and sometimes you'll even get several replies :-)
Have you started to discuss the eating disorder with your therapist?
With regards to eating, you have to find what works for you and what you like. For some people, planning ahead and eating 3 smaller-portionned meals is a whole lot easier than eating 3 big meals per day. For others, it's thinking of food as fuel - I'm going to be very active today, so I will need more fuel to get me through the day safely.
What helps me with my depression is to give myself two goals per day. Sometimes they are very small goals - on days when I'm having a very tough time, just getting out of my room and taking a shower is a small but big goal. I don't usually think of tomorrow or the day after or the day after that. I only concentrate on today. I know more or less what I have to do tomorrow, but I will only worry about it when tomorrow becomes today. Coming to the boards also help. It gives me a place to talk with other people who are understanding and supportive, it gives me other points of views to consider. It's really good to be able to talk to other people - the boards have been an important source of support for me in these past years.
Since the lithium doesn't seem working as well as it did before, has your pdoc prescribed something else for you?
Take care, Rosebride. I'll be checking in to see if you've replied.
I have no goals, no passions, no hopes, I barely have wishes anymore, and I'm sick of knowing that I'm supposed to be going somewhere and not having any clue where. I never expected to see my eighteenth birthday, let alone my 24th. I'm tired in a way that has nothing to do with how much I eat or how much sleep I get. I want things to be over, and I'm not allowed to make that choice.
Hi rosebride,
I would like to encourage you to keep expressing yourself, where people can hear.
~Diana~