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| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:21pm |
my counselor has told me to rely on my doctor's advice for a safe weight range for someone my height. i'm no where near getting better, i just started therapy and i've been dealing with this for over a year now. as the bottom of my weight range comes soaring up at me i feel like i'm headed for a train wreck. i am so scared. no matter what i do, i'm going to disappear. if i continue not to eat, i'll literally start disappearing. if i become someone who eats, then the very core of who i've become will disappear and it's all that i know anymore. my whole life has been consumed by anorexia. i'm afraid if i become someone who eats i will disappear and i'm terrified. so some days i eat little bits to ward off the "train wreck" and then i just feel defiled and guilty. and some days i don't and i can just feel that train rushing up at me. i don't know what to do.

Welcome to the board.
I know it is hard to accept, and it feels like the ED is all we are, but believe me you are so much more. I want you to make a list of all the people you are aside from
Hi there disappearing and welcome to the board.
I'm glad you have a counsellor.
~Diana~
Oh, don't we all!
~Diana~
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Saying that you are crappy is beating and punishing yourself. When we are depressed, or when our self-esteem and self-confidence are low, we often beat ourselves up like this. How we see ourselves is often not the way those around us see us. Really.
And don't worry about not having any friends you can tell about the anorexia. We often keep the worst of what's happening a secret from those who love us, because we think that if they knew they won't like or love us anymore. It's our fear of rejection and of being unloved that makes us keep these things inside of us. Which is why I am so glad that you've decided to post here. It's a very good start.
So tell us, what are the things that you used to like to do? I like reading and travelling. I like dancing, but none of my male friends dance and the female friends who do live on other continents so I haven't done that in a long time (though from time to time I will dance in my room). I like playing on the computer. I like designing websites, too but I haven't done this in a year. I also like to take photos! What about you? What do you like?