?? for those in recovery - trigs
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?? for those in recovery - trigs
| Wed, 05-31-2006 - 3:39pm |
I have been in recovery since February. I see a counselor weekly, a nutritionist weekly, and a medical doctor monthly. I am really trying to get better and feel that I am making progress, but I really haven't gained weight. If I go up a pound or two, I still freak and lose it the next week. I am yo yoing between the same 2 pounds or so. I have gained 1 pound so far - since February!!! I exercise too much and still restrict when I feel I have overeaten. I try to stick to my food plan and as long as I follow it just right and don't go over, I am okay, but if I go over I just feel so guilty and ashamed. I saw pictures of myself recently and I am scary looking. I know how horrible I look, yet I won't seem to allow myself to get better. I don't get it. This is so frustrating - I can see how totally irrational my behavior is, yet I CANNOT change it. I feel like I will never get better and this is how I will live forever. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I don't want to live like this anymore. I am almost 40 years old and don't want the rest of my life to be like this. How do I get better?

Hi kc,
The answer is:
~Diana~
Thank you Diana,
I really do get along well with my counselor. I think she is wonderful and I KNOW we are making progress, it just seems like 2 steps forward and 1 step back sometimes. I lot of what I struggle with is that all or nothing thinking. Either I am in 100% total control and following my food plan, etc. PERFECTLY, or I am totally out of control and have ruined everything by eating 1 tiny thing that I think I shouldn't have. It is so ridiculous, and I know it! I did make some progress this week by having a treat on Wednesday and I stopped eating when I was satisfied and didn't restrict the next day. Then yesterday I had a treat that I really really wanted in the afternoon. As I ate it I paid attention to how it tasted and allowed myself to enjoy it. I didn't restrict that evening but ate a sensible meal and have followed my food plan today too. I still struggle with exercising too much. My nutritionist was honest with me this past week and told me that I am doing great with maintaining my weight now but I am not eating enough to gain, especially because of the exercise. I am trying to view that not as a failure on my part, but instead as a learning process in this journey. At least I am maintaining!! That is progress to be celebrated. I wish that I could get past that mindset of the scale going down as good and going up as bad. I see what I weigh and know rationally that it is unhealthy and I am doing damage to myself and that I look terrible, yet when those numbers creep up, I start to get that uncomfortable feeling. My husband has told me almost point blank that my physical appearance grosses him out. You would think that would motivate me to gain some weight and sometimes it does, but then when push comes to shove, I struggle. What a rollercoaster ride this is. I can't help but think that after I recover from this, there must be something amazing waiting for me! :) Why on earth would we suffer like this if not for some amazing reason?
Uki
Yes Uki,
You will find wonderful things about yourself that you never knew, you will do things that you never thought you could.
~Diana~