Hi, please help....
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| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:23am |
Hi,
I am posting to try to get some information and help for myself. I am being told that I am on the verge of an eating disorder (by my tdoc) and I am being threatened with involuntary hospitalization. I am tall (5'10"). I was 154lbs in Sept. MIL was sick, in and out of the hospital, I was taking care of her, started eating less and not really snacking between meals. I stopped going to the gym because I did not have the time. I lost about 8lbs in a month. By Jan. I had lost about 12lbs (guessing here, I don't remember). In Jan. I started up at the gym again. They got all new circuit machines and I love them. I started to see some really good results with muscle development (tone and definition). That motivated me to work out a little longer (now 3x/week 1.25 hrs/workout). I am finally happy with my body. The problem is, the cost was losing more weight. I average about .5lbs per week in loss. I'm just not hungry. I rarely snack between meals. I am down to 130lbs. I am not trying to lose weight, never have been. I don't really think I'm fat (I'd like to get the last bit of fat off my baby belly and in my inner thighs...who wouldn't??). I don't obsess over eating or counting calories,etc; I don't get guilty when I eat; I don't binge; I don't purge. I don't get the whole ed thing if I don't do those things...maybe that is part of my problem...
I do have bp, so there are depression issues at times. I do push myself at the gym lately. I do force myself to eat even when I'm not hungry because I don't want to lose any more weight, just maintain where I am. I am obsessed with weighing myself, not because I am afraid to gain weight, but because I am trying to stay stable and I have to monitor if I'm losing. And, either AF is just taking her time to get here or my weight loss is starting to affect that, too (it's very light so far, hopefully that will change).
Ok, this all sounds like a bunch of excuses as I read it back....I guess my point of posting is to ask for some help. I don't want to be hospitalized; I have 2 young kids, both with special needs; dh works full time and we don't have any family to help. What can I do?? The working out and riding my bicycle helps me out mentally- it is my escape and boosts my "feel good" brain chemicals. I can't give it up. I had to make a contract with tdoc about how long I can work out and how frequently. The only problem is I'm just working harder during that time frame since I know I'm restricted. I was told I am only allowed to weigh myself once per week...I already brok that promise (since Wed. I was told this) as I weighed myself twice yesterday...UGH...I feel like I am sunk....
Thanks for your time and any input.
Peg

Hi Peg!
~Diana~
Hi Diana,
Thanks for your reply and for the "bump up post". I had actually done a lot of web searching on eating disorders since my tdoc caught me off guard with this whole thing on Wed. Your link summed it all up pretty well.
Sorry, this reply got very, very long...skip to the bottom where I say "thanks" again if you don't have time LOL! Oh, I should warn you and anyone else who reads: possible "triggers" in the next few paragraphs...read only if you are "safe"...
Sorry about the "AF"...I'm so used to posting on these boards I assume everyone knows all of the abbreviations.
I know I have a lot of "issues". I have been in counseling for over a year (weekly for a year, then biweekly for 6 mos., now weekly again). I went because I was trying to deal with some old SA issues (sorry, sexual abuse). In the course of attempting to deal with this, we also stumble upon the whole bipolar issue (which I've known for a very long time, just never treated or dx'd). So, in dealing with that, along with everyday living, working, family life, etc. we discuss SI (self injury) cuz that has been a problem of mine since teenage years. It is rearing its ugly head because we are dealing with some tough stuff right now and I have very crappy coping skills and these were my life lines as a child and teen. Anyway, this whole weight loss thing has been a mystery to me and all of my physicians. My labs have been better in the last 3 months than they have in the last year. I have a large team of doctors because I have systemic lupus. So, I have been well watched in the last 10 months since this weight loss started. And, none of them is really concerned about it; so, of course, I'm not either. Until, tdoc flips when she hears my gastroenterologist said he won't be concerned until I lose another 10lbs (which would take me to 120, definitely underweight and off the BMI). I have been watching the weight loss very closely- the obsessive weighing. I tell tdoc about it; I make sure the drs. all know it- I even called the rheumatologist twice to ask if it's ok! He didn't mind. So, off I go, continuing my routine of walking, exercising and added bicycling this week. Now, it's becoming a problem. I keep watching the BMI to see where I have to be to hit "underweight". The psychology of it is taking place now. I wonder just how much weight I could lose, I have, over the past maybe 3 weeks, notice that I ignore my hunger (which I could have been doing for a long time, just never acknowledging it). I have pushed myself to the point of almost fainting at the gym (I ignore my physical signals to take it easy) because I am craving more of that muscle tone and definition. Tdoc nailed me on that at our last session- when I told her I am doing this she told me it is because I see that as power and strength and control- it is a physical representation of the lack of power, strength and control I have over my mental/emotional being- the chaos that is my brain. BINGO! I was actually kinda annoyed she figured that one out...anyway, now I am totally stressed out about this weight issue, which makes it hard for me to eat cuz my anxiety and stress affect my stomach, running to the bathroom, you get the picture. It's a viscious cycle. I finally agreed to see a pdoc, which I will in about 3 weeks. I'm sure he will have a field day with me, especially now with the weight issue...ugh.
Enough about that. I do take "me" time. That is my gym time, bike riding or taking a walk. Sometimes I go shopping or run errands by myself. My work is also an escape. I only work pt over the summer and ft during the school year. So, I have at least 30 minutes per day that I take for myself. I also tend to stay up later to do things like watch tv or sit here and type on the computer! It just doesn't seem to help; well, it does, cuz I'd really be even more of a bear to live with!!
Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend; I am sure that, being your caseworker, she shared a lot of history and personal/private moments with you. I'm sure she understood you in ways others couldn't...I am very sorry.
It is very hard for me to ask for help- I was the peacekeeper in my very dysfunctional family (adopted, "father" physically, sexually and emotionally abused me, he is bp, that kinda family). I am the strong one, I am the perfectionist, I am the survivor, I am the one who makes lemonaide out of lemons- everyone who knows me would be TOTALLY shocked if they knew what my life was like inside this head of mine.......It's all a farce, an act. I am trying to get help, but I just can't seem to get the hang of it...old habits die hard. I stopped the cutting and the drinking, now this...some day I will learn, or I will die trying.............
Thanks again for listening.
Peg
You just answered a question for me:
she shared a lot of history and personal/private moments with you. I'm sure she understood you in ways others couldn't...I am very sorry.
When I read that, a lightbulb went off in my head.
~Diana~
Hello again,
You are welcome for the "lightbulb moment". When you said who she was, I just assumed that there was a connection between the two of you.
I'm a little reluctant to see the pdoc because of the meds issue. It took me about 2 months of coaxing from the tdoc to make an appointment with a pdoc. I am currently taking bupropion, after a bad experience with paxil. I've been on the bupropion for about 2 months but am still not up to a "theraputic" dose (only at 225mgs/day). My tdoc has been after me for about 16 months to go on meds- I am rather against them. I'm still trying to get over the fact I have to take meds for the rest of my life for the lupus- and I've been on them for a year now. If it weren't for my family, I wouldn't take any meds at all, but I feel I have a responsibility to them so I do it. I really have to watch with some of the psych meds...I am already prone to kidney/liver problems and rashes and many of the mood stabilizers can cause those side effects; lithium is also known to cause "drug induced lupus", which would not be a good thing since I already have it...I don't need a double dose. I don't really know why I am so against meds, maybe it's a control issue. I am going to try to convince the pdoc to hold off on anything other than the bupropion for now, except maybe something that will allow me to stay asleep at night...sleep and I don't get along well.
I am committed to making myself better- I don't want my kids to grow up like I did (unfortunately, in some ways they are right now). I am trying to break the cycle of abuse and failing miserably. After a year and a half of almost weekly therapy I thought I'd have a better handle on my emotions/reactions to my kids...NOT. In some ways I have made good progress- I am a little more trusting of my tdoc (a major issue with me), I do take more time for myself, even though I often feel guilty doing it. I have also asked for help from my tdoc- which I would never have done before. I was SO anxious the first time I called her to leave a message about something I needed help working through. So, I know I have made progress. With me, it's just not "cut and dry". There are so many issues that are intertwined it's hard to weed them out and work on them. The abuse issues are hard enough to work through, but when you add the bipolar and the lupus it just gets messy- and me being as stubborn as I a doesn't help much, either. We can't stay focused on one thing very long because other things come up and have to be dealt with.
As far as deserving it...I'm still not there yet. I acknowledge that my kids deserve it and my dh deserves better than he is getting from me. But, I'm still not able to put enough value on myself to accept it for me. Eighteen years of abuse from your father is hard to overcome. Some day, some day...
Peg
You are welcome for the "lightbulb moment". When you said who she was, I just assumed that there was a connection between the two of you.
I'm still pretty good at denying myself the right to feel, no matter how silly or trivial it might seem to some in my
~Diana~