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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 8:50am |
Hello
I am having problems with bingeing and purging. I am 35 years old, and I always had a mild measure of this behavior but never started doing it on any sort of regular basis until after my son was born 4 years ago and I joined weight watchers.
Weight Watchers made me hyper-vigilant in my counting of points and weighing myself. It wasn't long before I started purging to get rid of excess calories so that I could stay within points.
I have been doing this fairly regularly for about 2+ years now. When I "binge" it isn't like it is sometimes described. Bingeing for me is anytime I eat something that doesn't fit into my diet plans. Usually, it will start with a cookie or something, and then I just keep eating until I feel really full. I figure, this way, it will be easier to purge if I am full and I might as well eat a bunch of junk that I am not supposed to eat.
The only time I don't do this is when I sucessfully diet for the day. If I stay within points, I leave myself alone. Some days, I go through the cycle of binge and purge three or four times in the same day. I think my body is trying to compensate for the messed up sugar/salt levels and making it more difficult for me to eat normally after the first purge. I also have had issues with laxatives, but I stopped using them because I have heard they don't really work anyway, and I am worried that they will make me constipated and mess up my natural "rhythm" which may make be bloated.
As for reasons why I do this, I think it starts everytime I feel sorry for myself. My husband being unkind or dismissive can trigger it, or sometimes it is just feeling depressed.
What I really need is someone to talk to I guess, but I haven't told anyone anything yet. I went to a counselor last year and she and my Dr put me on medication for Generalized Anxiety disorder. the meds haven't helped the bulimia. but haven't made it worse either. Even with the counselor, I didn't tell her. My husband may suspect, but he isn't really paying attention I don't think.
I would love for someone to give me some words of wisdom in an attempt to help me get the guts to go see someone. I want to, but I am scared for some reason. I feel ashamed for being so old for this to hit, and I feel embarassed because I think that my obsession with my weight makes me vain and shallow (although I know on an intellectual level that it has nothing to do with looking good and I don't ever judge other women that way.)
Any stories, advice or encouragement are welcome
BL

You are NOT vain and shallow. NO NO NO. Don't even SAY that.
Honey, you came to the right place. I posted here for a while a long time ago (well, not THAT long ago)... and had to return just a few days ago.
What you are describing is bulimia. (I have bulimia... off/on again) Please don't let it win over you, you can be stronger than it. Talk to the doctor who prescribed the medication for you. You can't do this alone, you are really in need of some help with it.
Glad you found this place. It's a safe place to share your story, your vents, your feelings...
V
Hi BL!
~Diana~
Thanks for the kind words. It's strange, but it's like I am in denial that it is really a problem with me on the days that I don't binge/purge. But I would say that it has gotten to the point now that the days that I don't are less than the days that I do. I agree that weight watchers has been a real problem. I think that for me, that was what sort of "activated" what I would consider a latent problem because it is so strict about what is right and wrong, too much/not enough etc.
I already know who to call to get some help, I just know that I am more likely to talk to a professional than my family right now. I really don't want my husband, mother, sister, step-daughter, father, friends to know about this. I am just so disgusted with myself I guess. I think my issues are very much wrapped up in issues with my mom, and the feelings that she invokes in me.
Unfortunately, I would need someone to watch my 4 yr old so I can go, and I would have to lie about why I am going. Or, I would need an evening appointment so my husband would be home. The other problem is that I still feel embarrassed because I can't stop thinking that this problem is traditionally something that my teenaged step-daughter would see someone for - not me
I guess my thoughts are my biggest obstacle to getting better
Hi again -- I started this yesterday noon & got called away so have to start over -- sorry about that!
I guess my thoughts are my biggest obstacle to getting better
Oh wow, you got that one right -- to use an old phrase, you hit the nail on the head -- right on the head and it went all the way through the board I think~~
Try to brainstorm on what to do about dd, there has to be a way.
~Diana~