*triggers*...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
*triggers*...
3
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:32am

WHY WHY WHY am I doing this to myself?

I now haven't eaten since last Friday. Oh, wait, I ate something on Monday... I couldn't fight the urge to eat anymore, so I ate FOUR cans of pasta (something we normally don't buy but grabbed to make easy meals for the kids once in a blue moon)... then purged it all. I knew that I was going to do that, that was the plan.

Then I said to myself that I will be strong and not be tempted by food again. It's becoming easier... and that's the scary thing. I'm not as tempted by the smells anymore... I've made some awesome meals for my family, and sometimes I'm crying inside b/c it smells so good and I want to attack it, but I stand my ground. I've brushed my teeth many times, gargled with Scope, whatever... to not want to eat.

I even watch the Food Network with no problem anymore. Alan and I were sitting last night watching something and I said OH man that looks great... and really didn't care.

I am anxiously awaiting for my therapist to get a cancellation so that I could see him earlier than scheduled (which is tomorrow)... and I just don't see that happening. Monday went by... then Tuesday... still nothing. My journal entry last night is a few pages long, needless to say. I poured out my heart and soul writing til who knows what time in the morning.

V

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:33pm

You are coping well by writing, Vida, I know the waiting is hard.


Let's get you through to tomorrow.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 4:58pm

Hi Diana...

I read your other post to me down below... about the cognitive skills. Funny you mention that, I was in a DBT group, did I mention that? (dialectical behavioral therapy) I went into it on the advice of my therapist b/c of the severe PMDD. It was actually an IOP... intensive outpx program, based on the DBT.

Anyway... I did really well with it... but then stopped using my skills b/c I just "threw my hands up in the air", as they say, after a while. I wanted to just give up. That's why things have gotten so bad again, and Bruce (therapist) advised me to get back into a DBT group. I might be starting it up again on Tuesday the 11th.

Wouldn't you know it, B left a msg on my HOME PHONE machine saying that he had a 1:00 cancellation today. I had my cell with me, I was gone most of the day! ARGH. But, that's okay, I guess, since I took my daughter to speech class from noon til 1:00 and then drove to town for another speech therapy session at the cleft center from 2:00-2:30. So, 1:00 wouldn't have worked out.

I'm going to make it to tomorrow... obviously. I don't have a choice, right?
I still haven't eaten anything, and I have to say, there are times where I see a McDonald's commercial and I just want to rush to McD's and get a bunch of cheeseburgers and enjoy them. But then I see myself just purging afterwards. :( THAT is why I'm totally not eating anymore, b/c I don't want to fail with purging.
Oh Diana... WHAT THE HECK is going on with me? All b/c of some stupid comment made by DH...

I'm bringing my journal with me to my appt with Bruce tomorrow. I do that at times, when something really upsetting is going on. When Bruce sees me walk in with my journal, he knows that something is highly wrong.

THANK YOU so much for being here.
Vida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:48pm

Hi Vida, sorry I was gone the most of yesterday -- had to leave my beloved puter 'job'

 

 

~Diana~