triggers*? writing instead

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
triggers*? writing instead
7
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 7:28pm

I am writing here instead of going back in the kitchen. I just had dinner and my husband is gone for an hour or so. I already had one binge/purge today so I am just trying to take it one urge at a time. I feel like checking to see what's in the fridge, but I decided to write here instead.

I know that I need to stop dieting and counting and just eat what's healthy, but it is so hard when I am 10 lbs and about a month of exercise above where my head would like me to be. I look fine, but I am not skinny by any means. I am almost 5'4" and I weigh 150 lbs. I have a very large frame according to any frame scale I've seen, so I carry the weight well, but I am a product of the 80s, when I just wanted to be really thin like all the models. I always felt like i was big compared to my friends. And of course, they ate as much as I did.

I guess that is why I have a distorted body image, but it is not really why I am bulimic (it feels weird to say that). I think the bulimia comes from the urge to reward myself with food, console myself with food, and even punish myself or others with food. I oddly find myself bingeing the most with this feeling like - forget it, I'm just going to eat whatever I want.

I plan my binges sometimes, but it usually starts like it did today...with a small transgression. I ate some pasta salad from the salad bar that was literally dripping with mayo. Because I felt like I already "cheated", when I got home, I ate the bagel that my step-son left in the toaster (and left the house) so as not to waste it (with cream cheese of course.) Then I licked all the frosting off the cake plate and moved on to a plate of potato salad only to end with a big bowl of cereal.

This isn't such a huge amount of food, but the only way I can avoid ruining my diet is to purge or not binge in the first place. I fear tHe awful way I feel about myself when I have put on weight so much.

Well there. THanks for reading that. I hope it will keep me from the kitchen. I am going to try to find something to do to keep me out of there. Tea? or is that too oral? I think I feel better.

BL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:49am

Hi... I'm glad that you chose to come here before going with anymore urges that you had. Next time, try to come post even before your binge/purge... but if you do end up binging/purging beforehand, don't feel badly. Things are going to happen, there will be setbacks. (I was just told this a few nights ago when I called the crisis line...)

Honey, drink that tea... it's the right thing for you. Do NOT be afraid of the tea.

I have planned my purges. I don't really binge per se... I just sometimes eat something, not necessarily a lot of it... and then know that I am going to purge it. Right now my problem is that I'm afraid to even eat anything b/c I know that I'll purge it... so I just avoid eating all together.

We'll somehow get through this.
(((HUGS)))...
Vida

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:33am

Thanks Vida,

that has to be tough - being afraid to eat. Do you think your body has begun to associate the feeling of food and eating with purging? what happens when you drink tea or a little juice? Maybe you could work up to a little dry toast or saltines?

You are smart to advise me not to go there with the tea! I was able to avoid the eating/purging last night which is good. Today I am trying to focus on really trying to listen to my body. If I am hungry, I should eat - BEFORE i get so hungry that I can't control what I choose.

I am getting a treadmill which is a mixed blessing. I've never really been one to use exercise as a means of purging, but you know - anything can happen. I never have time to exercise more than an hour a day (if I'm lucky) because of my small son. I am hoping to transfer the eating when I am mad, sad, lonely, depressed,etc to walking on the treadmill!

The other thing I am excited about is that I am planning to take a trip - BY MYSELF. I am going to take a weekend and just do whatever I feel like. I'll take myself to dinner and a movie maybe...do a little shopping...get back in touch with the ME that is hard to find when I am always doing things for other people. I want to drive awhile and then just stay wherever - or maybe take a yoga workshop or something.

My son, of course, just wanted pancakes which is a HUGE trigger for me. I just ate a tiny one dipped in his syrup. I hope I can keep it under control. If I don't eat the other ones then I might be okay. I should throw them in the garbage - maybe I'll wrap them and stick them in the freezer to get them off the table.

Okay, phew, I put them in the fridge and got rid of the syrup. What a battle with myself

BL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 11:07pm

Hi BL,


You did a fantastic job

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:18am

Thanks for your 2 posts. They are so helpful, really. I was away for the weekend and just got back yesterday. I am bummed because I am up about 5 lbs which means I have 10 to lose, but I least I didn't purge. It's funny because I think that I blame the binge for the purge. Like somehow if food wasn't so tempting, I wouldn't be forced to purge.

I totally agree with what you said about the lack of info about eating disorders when you were young. When I first purged, I was about 12 or 14. I thought I was really on to something with this new trick. Then I could eat junk and still lose weight! It didn't really become a habit until after my son was born almost 4 years ago - weight watchers being the final trigger. I once lost weight and maintained it for several years by simply using the low fat diet method. It was easier for me because I could eat as much as I wanted as long as it was low in fat. If I needed a snack, I could eat a bowl of cereal. I ate a lot of pasta with tomato sauce. I also ate things like burritos and bagels but with only a small amount of cheese. I drank skim milk by the bucket and put chocolate in it for a treat. I wonder if maybe this is a healthier system for me psychologically? I just feel like I am afraid to deviate from the weight watchers formula because it worked for me before.

As I lost weight, I think I became addicted to the feeling of looking better and better and then feeling better about myself in the process since so much of my self-esteem is based on whether I feel attractive or not. A half pound off and I felt great. A half pound on and I felt huge. Now, I just struggle and struggle to keep my weight down despite the fact that I am binging. The more horrible and fat I feel, the more I turn to my other vice, which is buying clothes. I spend money that I don't have. Luckily, I have not run into too much debt problems yet, but I have been known to spend money on clothes, even when the bills are seriously late.

This weekend, the first day started pretty well. I wasn't counting, just being sensible. After that, I just gave up. By last night, I was eating 3 bowls of cereal before bed - even though I was still full from the 2 cheeseburgers I had at dinner. Today I woke up feeling that sick weird sugar level feeling. I KNOW this needs to stop. I am still trying to do it on my own though...

Thanks again for being so supportive!

BL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 6:52pm

Thanks for your 2 posts. They are so helpful, really.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 8:40pm

After I posted, I went to the grocery store and I bought some really useful stuff. I focused on low fat, low sugar (not none of either) food. I ate whenever I felt hungry, only I chose right. If every day could be like that! I considered buying junk for a binge at the grocery store, but I think I felt so tired and run down from the weekend that I decided not to because I was certain that I was not going to purge.
This will be day 6 without the purge, day one without the binge.
Thanks for writing again! Here’s some responses:

you wrote: Oh, I remember those days -- I have since graduated a lot more flexible a margin. I want to admit something though. Over the winter I kinda went past my ideal and tho I am a lot more accepting of my body, it still bugged me. So I adjusted clothing wise.

What do you mean when you said that you “adjusted clothing wise.” ?

You wrote: Recently I've been dealin with some personal losses, and a higher stress level. I notice my appetite slipping. It's a case of not letting it go too far, recognizing those old thoughts, and realizing that they don't work for me anymore. Nutrition has become so important for me. I've let shopping go in the last week & realize I need to get out there and get my good food in here.

I am sorry that you are going through a hard time. You are very strong to keep yourself in line despite the stress and pain in your life. Although ‘easier said than done’, recognize that falling back on an ED is a quick fix. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the long run it is only going to be worse.
It reminds me of “cutting.” Having a teenaged step-daughter made me an expert. People “cut” to distract themselves from the pain they are having at the moment. By doing this, the harm is actually twofold. You distract yourself from the pain that only time can cure, making the healing take longer, and you stop yourself from developing healthy coping skills in the face of hard times.

You wrote: I hope writing this now will help me get myself to the store in a bit here. I'm just not doing myself any favors by letting the eating go. It sure is tempting to ignore it.

I hope it did!! My writing inspired me at the grocery store!! Eating healthy and trying to get a good night’s sleep will make you stronger and more able to deal.

You wrote: I have a proposition for you. When you say "how horrible and fat I feel," can you think of what "horrible" means to you? In a non food way? and how about that word "fat" -- non food. Just one word for each.

Horrible is bad, lazy, secretive, WOW! I could go on, but I had a revelation: I feel how my mom used to make me feel. When I feel like I look good, I feel like I am in disguise. People can’t see the real me underneath. That way, they’ll believe that I am together and happy and healthy. Yeesh – I just realized that there are other people in my life that I feel like this around. Something to examine…

You wrote: So my horrible, hmmm, I just might miss going to my store that has the cheaper produce -- worth it --
My horrible has lately meant - confused, angry, traumatized, and filled with grief.
This is concerning the loss of a person in my life.

Loss is the hardest thing to deal with in life. When you imagine back to another time when you felt severe loss (if ever), how did you cope? Did it get better?

You wrote: Add to that today -- insulted, stepped on, disregarded, degraded, resentful, angry, confused, even feelings of chaos as this is about a family visit that happened today. I'm just really over being abused ... & can't excuse him from it any more.

You are right – you can’t excuse him from it. If you do you may feel like you deserve it

You wrote: My "fat" lately has meant unaceptable & not good enough, as usual. Doesn't matter how much I weigh.

In my world, “fat” = unlovable. Sad, but that’s really it.

You wrote: Wow, I didn't know I was had so many negative feelings going on.
The family member thing, well, he's gone now, and I have an old wound opened and I know I need to keep working on that. I keep forgiving it, just can't today :)

Again, I am not sure you should forgive it completely. I am not talking about holding a grudge, but it is okay to recognize that a person in your life who is supposed to love you is abusive and wrong. You can also recognize that there are reasons from their past that made them that way, but in the end THEY are responsible for abusive behavior. I “forgive” my mother, but she still made a lot of mistakes and that I won’t forget since they keep coming back in my life, obviously ;)

I hope everything gets better for you soon. If it is any consolation, I feel a lot better since I started on this board and your posts have really helped.
BL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2002
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:35pm

said that you “adjusted clothing wise.” ?


just bigger clothes -- I hate tight clothes.


& yes, I got right out to the store, got right back on track.

Photobucket