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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:08pm |
Hello everyone. I was looking around on iVillage earlier today, and came across this message board, and have since been arguing with myself, going back and forth with wanting to join, but at the same time, feeling afraid to.
I guess a little about me - my name is Sarah, I'm 22 years old, and have been struggling with bulimia for 6 years. I live in Missouri and I have a little girl, Kaylie, who will be turning 2 years old this Saturday. I'm currently seeing an ED therapist, who I've actually been seeing off and on for the past 4 years, and she has helped me in so many incredible ways, I don't know what I would do without her. I work full time at Wal-Mart Pharmacy as a Pharmacy Technician, but am currently on medical Leave of Absence, because within the next 2 weeks I will be heading into inpatient treatment once again, and will probably be there for about 4 weeks or so. I've been thru inpatient treatment before when I was 18, but things have just gotten so much worse here in the last year or so. Not just from a medical standpoint, but in other ways also, so I made this very difficult decision on my own to seek treatment again. The first time I went was only because I was forced to go, I was in no way cooperative, just extremely stubborn and unresponsive. I keep telling myself it has to be different this time, I have to put forth more of an effort to at least begin to get better. Not that I'm expecting to come out completely "cured", I know that's not realistic, but hopefully something will spark a desire inside of me to change.
Wow, sorry for rambling so much, I tend to get a bit carried away at times...
Anyway, I hope to get to know you all better. Take care....
Sarah

Hi there Sarah, & welcome to the ed board.
Happy birthday to little Kaylie this Saturday!
Congratulations on your decision to go back inpatient.
~Diana~
Thanks Diana! I actually talked to the intake coordinator yesterday, and there is still a 7-10 day waiting list, which I've been on for a month now. She said we're probably looking at early next week, but if not then, then the first part of the next week, as they prefer to admit new patients towards the beginning of the week, as opposed to later on in the week. I'm both scared and excited about going! Confused, more than anything. I'll be honest with you here - I'm not and never have been 100% sure of letting go of Ed. Kinda like a best friend who you know you're better off without, but don't want to cut off from. That ever present love/hate relationship.
BTW.... thanks for the suggestion, I actually did try to think of it as "I want to" rather than "I have to", but it just sounded like I was lying to myself, and that's something I've been working on in therapy lately, is being honest with myself and my feelings, and not constantly sugar-coating everything and digging myself further into denial. I would LOVE to be able to say that I really truly honestly WANT this, but I feel as if a small part of me does, but that other part of me isn't ready to let go. Does that even make sense????
Sarah
I feel as if a small part of me does, but that other part of me isn't ready to let go. Does that even make sense????
Of course it makes sense --
So you know where you are with ed & are being honest about it.
~Diana~
Yeah, I'm supposed to see her Monday morning, thank God. These last couple of days have been really rough, and she's in Chicago till the end of this week. I'll make it.
Thanks for the advice. It reminded me of the last time I was there, I had a tendency to hang with the teenagers my age who, just like me, didn't want to be there and made it a difficult time for the staff as well as ourselves. I think I've matured quite a bit since then, and this time, am going into this knowing that I am the one making the decision to do it, even though I'm not all that for it. I've been making too many excuses the past few months, saying it "wasn't a good time" or it "just wasn't convenient", but with the help of my therapist, realized that there is NEVER a good or convenient time to go into treatment. It's just something you gotta do, instead of waiting around on that perfect, magical time to go, ya know?
Sarah