Reflections on the Recovery Process

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Reflections on the Recovery Process
6
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:29am

Hi All. So, I am not quite sure where to begin, as I have been somewhat absent for quite a while. Since joining the ED therapy group I have been challenged in new ways, felt raw and exposed, and have had lots of repressed memories surface. I've also added three new people to my treatment team - my internist, an MFT and a nutritionist. I've started on meds, begun to work towards a meal plan, and now have a team that talks to one another (which was my biggest fear). It feels so weird, and it feels like there's so many people involved in an aspect of my life that I sometimes consider to be "not a big deal." However, I am beginning to realize that I wanted to believe that I had control, but as more and more people are involved, I am realizing that in fact the ED had/has control and this team is doing all they can to keep "me" from being engulfed in the ED. I don't know if I have ever had an experience where so many professionals are taking me seriously and actually treating me as though I matter. It's kind of amazing, and I feel thankful, yet sometimes I feel like I've lost control and they've taken it from me. Anyway, sorry for the randomness of this post, but I feel like so much is going on that I need to begin to put it into words that others might be able to relate to. Thanks for reading, and take care!

Love,
so_cal_runner

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:22pm

I completely understand. With myself, it was such a secret for so long, and when I came out with it 3 years ago, it was the scariest thing I'd encountered in my life so far. To have others know about it, and care enough to want to help me and support me, was almost more than I could take. In a way, I wanted it, but in another way, it was the last thing I wanted. Like you said, it felt as if they were taking some of the much wanted control away from me, or at least limiting what control I had over Ed. Now, I have a therapist, psychiatrist, and primary care physician looking after me, and it is very overwhelming at times. There are days when I have to tell myself over and over that they're here to help me with this struggle, they're not out to "hurt" me like it seems at times when it feels like they're trying to take Ed away from me. In all reality, I know that what they're doing is trying to help me gradually let go of Ed in healthy ways. It's tough I know, and I admire you for putting your feelings out here like you did!! Hang in there!

Hugs,
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:32pm

Hi so cal, wonderful seeing you here!

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:52pm

Hi Diana & Sarah.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and supportive words. Yes, things have been tough, and getting in touch with actual emotions has been somewhat painful. It's amazing how the ED and behaviors numb me over. Without the behaviors I actually have to get in touch with my true feelings and motivations. Thanks again for the support.

Love,
so_cal_runner

P.S. MFT = marriage and family therapist :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:04pm

Feelings can be painful, even scary -- it's tough.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 10:17am

((((((((((So Cal))))))))))


I've been away from the board, too but you've been in my thoughts. Having read your post, I have to say that I admire you so much for what you are currently doing. First of all, for having a treatment team, and allowing three more people to the team, and now allowing team members to talk to one another. That takes a lot of strength and resolve, my friend.


So Cal, you are very important, and the ED is a big deal that has, as you are slowly realizing, been in control of your life instead of you being in control of it. I don't think all these people are taking the ED away from you, but they are slowly building your trust in them, and building a support network that you will hopefully come to use more and more as you gradually let go of the ED.


So Cal, it's always a pleasure to see you. We barely know each other, but you are someone I respect and admire a lot!


Take care, friend. I hope that you are having a beautiful week-end.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 7:36pm

Hi Poppy & Diana. Thanks for the hugs and kind words and reassurances. It's been a hard and tough week, but I had one little breakthrough that showed me a glimpse of what this recovery process is going to be like (the hard parts, the sad parts and the reward at the end). Connecting feelings associated with memories from the past and the ED behaviors is so hard. It makes me feel raw, and I've learned in the past how to keep my feelings locked inside. However, the other night I couldn't hold back any longer and the feelings and memories just came flooding out in the form of tears. Fortunately I was in a safe environment with two of my treatment team members and was able to cry and cry and talk and be heard and comforted. That's so opposite of what my experiences have ever been like before when I cried (I wasn't allowed to cry or feel sad or hurt growing up ... if I cried I was yelled at even more). Funny thing about crying that night, the next day I was actually hungry, able to eat, not beat myself up for taking the day off from running because I felt so tired, and then I slept so soundly and for longer than I've been able to sleep in a long time. I know that there's still more that's going to come out through this process, and that this is just the beginning (which scares me because it seems overwhelming), but it's good to know that there's peace on the otherside of the feelings barricade that's holding the ED in.

Thanks again for your sweet words and encouragement. You guys are great! (((hugs)))
Love,
so_cal_runner