Unworthy (triggs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Unworthy (triggs)
7
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:42am

This is all new to me... I think... It might not be.

For the record, I am 24 years old I am 5'3, a small, but not petite build, and I'm lingering between 105 and 110lbs. I have bipolar disorder. In the past seven months, I've lost approximately 20-25lbs, all via dieting... or shall I say "selective nutrition".

I don't know what this is... It's a mixture of punishment and disgust. As stupid as this is going to sound, it's true... I feel unworthy of food. I feel like I need to repent for my sins, even though I'm not necessarily a religious person. I just know that inside I feel so awful for hurting people, for my failures. I've said "I'm sorry"... I've tried to be a better person... but you can't take back the things you've said or done, so I feel like it's my duty to spend the rest of my life making myself suffer in hopes that someday I can truly be forgiven. I don't deserve food. I'm not a good person. I let people down. I have no right to be as messed up as I am, because I have a good life, a good family... I am fortunate... what is wrong with me? I hate myself... I should be appreciative. I am mean. I am cold. I am selfish. I am neurotic. I try so hard, or at least I think I do, but maybe I don't... maybe I'm lazy. I don't know anything anymore. Maybe I'm not bipolar and maybe I made all this up because I'm just a selfish attention starved brat. I don't know!

I feel so guilty.

I feel guilty for worrying and upsetting my mother.

I feel guilty for hurting my brother and sisters.

I feel guilty for breaking my boyfriend's heart.

I feel guilty for quitting college when my dad died.

I feel guilty for letting him die.

I feel guilty for feeling bad.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I feel guilty for the people who worry about me because they shouldn't, because I am so awful and I just wish everyone would forget about me. I really don't want their attention, I just want them to forget because I'm not worth remembering. All I do is let people down, cause them pain, and give them more reasons to worry.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself!!!! I get so mad and I hate that I sound like a 12 year old girl.

I can't say these things out loud. When I start, I don't get past the "I feel guilty for" before someone stops be by saying "you have nothing to feel guilty about!" or when I say "I'm not skinny enough" they stop me by shouting "you're too thin!" NO I'M NOT! I'M NOT THIN ENOUGH TO PAY MY DEBT! I look at my fat and I see layers upon layers of the wrongs I've committed. I am disgusted. I am disgusting.

When I first saw my boyfriend after a long hiatus, I'd lost a lot of weight since he'd last seen me... his first words were "Wow, you look better than you ever have before." I felt redeemed. I felt a release. I felt absolved.

He's never told me to lose weight. He's encouraged me to live a healthy lifestyle. He told me that he'd love me no matter what I weighed, but it's not a matter of fat vs. thin... it's a matter of sinner vs. saint.

I am afraid.

I take Wellbutrin and Topamax for the bipolar disorder. I've already admitted my problem to my mom, my doctor and my therapist, but they have no idea how bad it is... My fear is that I might have a seizure, because both Wellbutrin and Topamax are for epilepsy and while I don't induce vomiting, I normally take these meds on an empty stomach and I barely, eat... if at all. When I do eat I eat just enough to keep me from passing out. I drink water, but even water makes me feel gross inside sometimes. I'm afraid of passing out or having a seizure behind the steering wheel of my car and injuring someone else. I'm sitting here at work today, and I don't want to drive home because I'm that afraid. I'm afraid that I'll faint and crack my head open, by the time someone finds me it will be too late and someone will have to see my dead body... I don't want to put someone through the trauma of seeing a dead body, because I went through that with my dad and I see him every time I close my eyes.

What do I do? I pay for my own health insurance and it doesn't cover mental health. I've only seen my therapist once so far and I'm paying for him out of pocket. I can't live like this. I go to work, but I don't work. I can't work. I really can't, but I NEED to. I have bills and no other means of income. I have completely fallen apart. I hate being everyone else's burden. I know I have people to whom I can go to for money, and lots of it, but I feel so incredibly guilty and awful for asking... I'm in so deep. I have to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:44pm

Welcome Opheliarevived!


Sweetie, can you tell me why it is that you are unworthy and that you are punishing yourself like this? What debt is it that you have to pay? And why is it that you feel so much guilt? It seems as though you've taken everyone's burden and claimed them as your own.


My friend, we all make terrible mistakes. We all have said very hurtful things, done some pretty horrible stuff that made someone else hurt, too. But in addition to saying I'm sorry and for promising to do better the next time, we've also got to forgive ourselves. We can't walk with all the burden of our past mistakes. Life just very quickly becomes too unbearable and suffocating, too painful.


We can't undo past acts, but we can do our best each day, rectify our mistakes, heal, help others, move forward. We can't be perfect human beings. No one in this world is perfect; no one expects us to be perfect, either. We just have to try to do our best, one step at a time.


There are therapists who work on a sliding scale - it means that you pay what you can afford to pay. Explain to your therapist your situation and ask whether s/he works on a sliding scale, and if not, whether s/he knows of a colleague who does.


In the meantime, I'm here. I'm listening. I'll listen for as long as you need to talk, and I'll do my best to hear what you are saying.


Lots of hugs and positive energy,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 5:10pm

Hello there, Ophelia & welcome to the ed board!

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:30am

Ophelia,

Please, please, make sure you are under consistent care of a MD while on these meds and make sure they are aware of your eating issues, please, for your own safety. Both of these meds have a side effect of weight loss, especially the Topamax. I don't know how much you are taking, but you will really need to watch that side effect. There is a warning on the PI sheet that anyone who is/has a history of anorexia/bulimia should not take this medication.

The Wellbutrin can cause seizures if you are bulimic or not- it is a potential side effect of that medication. The Topamax is an anti-seizure medication- it is used to stop seizures. I take both of them for bipolar disorder, too. I'm just AWOL from posting on the BP board right now due to some personal issues, but I have been reading and keeping up with how everyone has been doing- and I am worried about you. I occasionally post here because I was threatened with involuntary commitment to the hospital due to my weight loss. I've lost almost 30lbs in the last 10 months. I am 36 with 2 kids, 5'11" and now 126lbs. I have gone from a size 8-10 to a 0-2. I have no appetite and the Topamax makes it even worse (I've been on that for 2 weeks as of tomorrow, I take 25mg for now, up it to 50mg tomorrow night, eventually up to 100mg). I've already lost 2lbs since on the Topamax so I'm concerned where I'll be at 100mgs. Once I found out that weight loss is a side effect, I immediately called my pdoc and let him know so he can keep an eye on me- right now I need all the eyes on me I can get- I'm not very good at taking care of myself, although I convince myself that I am.

Anyway, I know it's hard to listen to others when you are feeling so down. Believe me, I know. I've been fighting mental illness since I've been a teenager- I've only now just started getting treatment. I've been suicidal, I self-injure, I often think "it's all in my head". I have no idea why my husband is still married to me- I have put him through hell in the 19 years we have been together (16 years married). My behavior is outrageous at times, and I have done many things to all of my family members that are/were very, very hurtful. I never expect them to forgive me and I can't forgive myself. Maybe it is the bp that caused me to do them, but to me that is not an excuse. I do carry a lot of guilt, as you do. I have a very low self-esteem, I often feel worthless. But, I continue to fight. Somewhere, deep inside, there is this tiny, tiny part of me that will not give up- it will not allow this disease to win- so I keep on fighting. It is a constant battle- I often lose. But, I have to hope, that some day I will win the war.

I hope that you are able to find some peace. I'm not going to tell you to forgive yourself- I can't make you do that. I do wish you would be honest with yourself and honest with your prescribing doctors. I know it's hard, really. I lie to myself every day- I ignore how bad things really are. Anyone who knows me thinks my life is great. My dh doesn't even know how much I struggle with the bp. There are a lot of resources out there to provide help. The first step is to admit there is a problem- even if it means admitting it to yourself. You then have to find someone to tell who can help you. I have been in touch with all of my physicians lately (pdoc, tdoc, general physician) because I know I am standing on an edge and it will take nothing for me to fall over. I don't trust myself so I am doing my best to reach out. I hope that you can find the strength to do the same thing. Do it for yourself. Don't let the bp win. Keep posting here and on the bp board. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone.

Please post again to let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 4:56pm

Hi Peg :)


Thank you so much for your reply to Ophelia, I see you understand perfectly as well.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 7:23pm

Thank you all for your responses....

Yesterday I voluntarily admitted myself into the hospital at the urging of my mother and physician. Once at the hospital, I was evaluated and transferred into a partial hospitalization treatment program 5 days a week... sort of like day camp for fellow looney tunes like me.

It was a very rough first day... when I first got there all I saw were teenagers who looked like poster children for tv drug commercials. It was bothersome because I didn't want to be in therapy with a bunch of teenagers... I'm 24 years old. After being evaluated by yet another psychiatrist, who said my meds are fine, I was moved into group therapy. My group consisted of about 15 other adults. Immediately some lady with Grateful Dead tattoos all over her legs started talking about how she flipped out and tried to kill her husband with a machete... Some guy started crying because his wife left him for a boat... Another guy fell asleep and started snoring... It was scary to say the least. I wanted to leave after the first group session, but I resolved to finish out the entire day before I made any decisions. During the second group session, I was called away to meet individually with my counselor who talked to me and again evaluated me. We talked a lot about my issues with regarding reality vs. fantasy... I have a hard time deciphering what is real and imagined... like... I think I have a headache, but I might not... I could just be telling myself my head hurts and thus believe my head hurts.... Additionally, maybe I'm not really bipolar. Maybe I'm just selfish, spoiled, and attention starved and I've convinced myself that I'm bipolar... I don't know! I get really confused...

The third session wasn't so bad. I loosened up and talked a little. I even got asked out on a date (how flattering!)... A fellow 'tune asked me out to Red Lobster when he gets off house arrest! How sweet... I'm going back tomorrow... I'm going to give this program a try. I want to get better.

I didn't eat anything at all yesterday.

Today I ate some chicken. I feel like it was a big step. It's so hard...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 9:34pm

I am really glad you went

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:13am

Hi Ophelia, just checking in, last we knew you had set yourself up in a partial hospitalization program and had had a few sessions.

 

 

~Diana~