Diana...sorry, very long...poss. trigs..
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| Thu, 07-27-2006 - 8:16pm |
Hello,
I didn't want to reply to your post under Ophelia's- I don't want to take away from that. I posted here about a month ago when my tdoc threatened to commit me. You provided me with some good information about ED-NOS and you were very supportive in your comments- I appreciated that. I lurk here ever since, I just don't often have much to say because I am still pretty much in denial about the whole weight loss issue- although I don't know how- I'm now into a size 0, 2 at the most (and I'm 5'10"). I try to make everything look "ok" by calling my GP and letting her know about my weight loss, my tdoc knows about it, my rheumatologist knows (I have lupus), my gastroenterologist knows, and now my pdoc knows (I saw a pdoc for the first time two weeks ago- I've been under the care of a tdoc for 18 mos. but wouldn't agree to see a pdoc until recently). I have myself convinced that I cannot be anorexic because I do not meet the DSM criteria: I still get my periods regularly, I am not even close to being 85% of my weight (lowest weight for my height is 128 on the BMI and I am 126), I do not base my day on my weight, and I don't hide my thinness. But, on the other hand, I know I do not eat enough for the amount of energy I expend living and exercising. Part of the problem is medical-the lupus and the meds. Part of the problem is I'm just not hungry and if I eat too much I feel horrible. Part of the problem is the depression- there is that little part of my brain that really doesn't care what happens. I know that all sounds kind of jumbled, but that is how it works in my brain :-).
Anyway, I know it gets better. As I stated, this is a road I have traveled for a long time. I had my first major depression as a teen. I sought help in college, but it was very short lived. My dh basically has gotten so used to my mood swings, it is just part of who I am and it is not seen as a "symptom" of anything. I sought help for another issue: sexual abuse from childhood. In the process of working through this, it was relatively obvious to the psychologist that I was bipolar (which I knew, just never got treatment for it because I was "functioning"- if it ain't broke, don't fix it mentality). She has been after me for over a year to see a psychiatrist and get on meds. I refused. Eventually I got an antidepressant from my family doctor- my reason was to make myself manic, which happened when I was in college and took prozac. It didn't work. I ended up trying another med, which did what I wanted it to, a little. The problem is, it then sent me into a very bad mixed state that has since seemed to end, but I am now cycling rapidly. My illness has gotten to the point that I can't hide it over the last two years and has effected my family, especially my children. I am seeking help for them at this point, as I cannot yet do it for myself (I know that sounds dumb). I'll get there, I know I will. I am a lot better than I was self-esteem wise than I was before going to the tdoc. I still slip into my "minimizing" role pretty easily- as I am showing you in this post. The weight loss started with just not taking good care of myself when I was taking care of my MIL, who took ill very suddenly last July. She passed away in Nov., which was devistating to me (she was more of a mother to me than my own). That made my depression return, which never helps with eating. I started exercising again in Jan. and noticed I felt better both physcially and mentally so I kept it up. I noticed a big change in my muscle tone and definition, which encouraged me to continue working out. I now exercise about an hour per day (30 min. of weight lifting and 30 min of walking or riding bike). I eat 3 meals per day, but I force breakfast (usually a boost high protein or a piece of fruit around 10am) because I'm not hungry. I average .5lbs/week of loss but I've lost 2lbs in the last 2 weeks, I'm guessing because of the Topamax. I just started on it two weeks ago. I think I put in my post to Ophelia that when I found out weight loss was common, I immediately called my pdoc and told him about my weight loss issue (I've lost 28lbs since Sept) and that I am "officially" underweight now. I am being honest to try and save myself involuntary commitment. He said he will keep an eye on the weight loss. I know I need to cut down on the exercising- I know I should only do at most 30 minutes per day total. I know I need to eat more, too- I just don't feel well when I do, nor do I have the motivation. I guess I just don't take this seriously yet (the weight loss). Everyone at work is amazed at how thin I've become; people who haven't seen me for a month or two comment about how I've lost weight, yet I don't see myself as thin as they do (which I know is a problem).
About the meds- I am very limited to which bp meds I can take because of my lupus. My other meds don't mix well with the "gold standards" and I am already predisposed to kidney and liver problems and rashes with the lupus so we have to be very careful with what we try. This is the first mood stabilizer I have tried and I am only 2 weeks into it, so we will just wait and see what happens. Eventually, if I cannot keep up with the weight loss, I will need to switch. But, until I change my other habits, no matter what med I'm on I will keep losing weight, just not as quickly.
Dh is a great guy. I know I'm not all bad- we have had some really great moments together. Being in part of a depressed mode right now, that is the bp "talking". I feel bad for the things I've done. I feel bad for not getting help sooner. I am trying very hard to accept all of this, all of myself. It's just a little bit of a longer road for me because of my abusive childhood. I'll get there, I know I will. I survived physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a toddler until I left my parent's house at 20. I'm not going to let any of this break me. I struggle, I lose a lot of battles, there are a lot of scars, I fall down a LOT, but I always manage to get back up, battered and bruised sometimes, but I keep on trying. Some days are much better than others. Right now they aren't that great, but I know that these moods don't stick around. I have a great tdoc who puts up with me even when I fight with her and tell her I'm through with therapy- she doesn't give up on me; just like dh and just like my kids- I can't give up on them either, which, in the long run, makes me not able to give up on myself.
Thanks for your kind words and support; they meant a lot- and thanks for listening- sometimes it just feels good to tell your story.
Hugs,
Peg

Hi Peg!
~Diana~
Hi Diana,
It's Peg, just logged in under my other name...
I'll take a look at the other folder; if I come up with anything I'll let you know.
As far as making things look "ok"- it's denial of the SA, the SI, the other childhood abuse, the bp and the ED. So, yes, it's definitely that way for me. But, you can't change anything you don't acknowledge so I know I need to work on this. I feel like I'm on my way because I can at least admit that I deny it LOL!
Thanks for the support on the pdoc- I still waver as to if it's the right choice or not. When I was at the tdoc this week, she read part of the letter the pdoc sent to her stating that the a/d's were making my symptoms worse without being on a mood stabilizer. My brain works by then saying "well, then, let's get rid of the a/d's, then we don't need any meds!!" Which, I know is not the right answer, but I just love to fight it I guess.
I do have a good rapport with tdoc. I am as honest with her as I am with myself (which is not always very honest). I tell her things I have never told anyone else. She has gained a trust in me that no one ever has- trust is very hard to gain from me. I have told her all the things I posted here. I feel that if I truly want to get better, I need to let her know what is going on.
About wanting the a/d to make me manic- part of it was to "prove" to myself that I really was bp (you know the theory that if you give a depressed person an a/d and they become hypo/manic, they are really bp?), part of it was because I had just come off of a high and I wanted it back...stupid, I know, but when you're not getting into trouble with the highs, they are quite addicting!
I didn't mind your "sidebar". I like to hear other people's life stories- it helps me heal for some reason. I can relate, and I can feel like I'm not totally alone, as I so often do. I know that there is someone out there, somewhere, who really does understand, in a way a pdoc or a tdoc or a spouse or friend wants to, but can't. I appreciate your honesty. Unfortunately, it sounds like we have some similar history. Sometimes, posting on these boards, along with reading posts and making new friends, is just as theraputic to me as seeing the tdoc. It has become part of my support system. It may not work for some, it may even sound dumb to some, but it works for me and that is all that matters.
I have really tried to work on learning new coping skills lately. I have gotten a cd player to listen to guided imagery and relaxation cds at night or when I need a break during the day. I play in the rain with my kids, I take a walk, I occasionally journal, I watch a comedy or I read a book for please or to educate myself more about my illness. Dh and I try to get out on a date once per month (that is hard to do- we don't have family in the area now the MIL passed away and ds is autistic).
After posting to you the other day, I have made a commitment to myself that until I see pdoc again (8/8), I am only going to exercise 30 min./day and I am going to take my meds as prescribed. I need to get a grip and give these meds a chance. I have felt all my life that I have not had control. That is part of the reason I don't want to take them. But, as I told my tdoc last week, I need to give up control so I can gain control over this illness.
Thanks again- for nothing more than just being you! HUGS!
Peg
Oh I hope the 'sidebar' didn't seem selfish on my part, didn't mean it that way, glad it helped, whew!
~Diana~
Hi Peg,
How's it going this week?
~Diana~
Hello!
Busy little thing this morning aren't we?? LOL. I was up, just not on the computer. I try to force myself to stay in bed so my body gets rest even when my brain is up.
This week is going pretty well- almost too well if you know what I mean. I woke up Mon. and the depression was gone- yeah! The hypomania is here- yeah! I'm just very cautious because it is here sooner than it usually is (I'm pretty routine with it around the start of the school year) and it's edging on dysphoric/irritable, which I hate- I just don't want to be back in the mixed state I was in a month ago. Ok, enough of that.
I have held fast to my 30 minutes per day exercise. I did not lose any weight this week. It seems that my current diet of cookies and steady evening snack of Klondike chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches has actually made me gain a few pounds! I'm not holding my breath that it will stay on, it may just be water retention because of it being so hot around here lately, who knows. At least I didn't lose anything.
So, it's going pretty well. I'm happy that I'm not depressed. I'm happy that I'm more goal oriented- it comes in handy when you have to start planning your school year.
How are you doing?
Hugs,
Peg
Hello!
Busy little thing this morning aren't we?? LOL. I was up, just not on the computer. I try to force myself to stay in bed so my body gets rest even when my brain is up.
:::blush::: You caught me!
~Diana~
Hello again,
It's nice that you were able to get some sleep. Sleep is something that doesn't agree with me much- especially lately. I totally understand the whole processing thing- sometimes my brain is like a machine and just won't shut off. If you don't mind me asking, what job are you training for (don't feel obligated to answer, I won't be offended).
I love the word "should". Right now I should be filling out a job application online, but, as you can tell, I'm not LOL. Time really does seem to slip by pretty quickly when you sit down at the computer doesn't it?
I'm pretty sneaky about catching people- so you better watch out- you never know when I might be lurking ;-)
Sorry, but your last paragraph confused me. You wrote:
"Bad news stuff I'm on I guess, for me anyway. But at least I caught up. I'll be calling in again to the nurse's line. Will skip that med tonight. I'm still on the same amount of the old stuff so no danger there."
I take it you are having a med issue of some sort (relatively obvious by the "will skip that med tonight" line). Other than that, sorry, I was a little lost. It doesn't take much though...
Meds are fun, and my fun has just begun. I have no clue if the "mood stabilizer" I'm on will actually do what pdoc thinks it should do, I guess once I get enough in me we will see. I know it's not working right now...good thing is my house is pretty clean!!!
Glad to hear you are doing well. I enjoy our little chats!
Hugs,
Peg
Just stopping by quick tonight --
"Bad news stuff I'm on I guess, for me anyway. But at least I caught up. I'll be calling in again to the nurse's line. Will skip that med tonight. I'm still on the same amount of the old stuff so no danger there."
Bad med for me, but at least I caught up on my sleep.
~Diana~
Hi!
Sorry I was so dense. Thanks for explaining. Glad to hear that you didn't run into any problems that couldn't be remedied easily. I hope that you can find a replacement that works for you, if that is your goal.
Good luck with the sales job!
The med game it a tricky one as I am finding out. I have to do a mandatory mail order program for "maintanance meds" and one of mine (the a/d) did not get sent when it was supposed to so I had to cut back on the dose for over a week to make it through. Then, when they said it shipped, I went back to the normal dose, knowing I was ok- wrong, I ended up taking it right for 4 days then having to cheat again for 1. What a mess. I would have been ok if the gp didn't change the rx- it takes 2-3 weeks for a "new" (meaning changed) rx to go through, which I didn't know- but, I learned my lesson really fast.
I also learned this week that I am pretty much over my med phobia. I overcame it in a really bad way by leaving pdoc a vm that stated I was ready to start taking my xanax like tic tacs (a vm I strongly recommend no one ever leaves a pdoc, which I also learned yesterday, LOL). I called pdoc yesterday and asked if we could up the topamax (this was done very rationally after explaining my moods over the last 3 weeks). I was pretty proud of myself. I woke up Fri and immediately felt that the happy high was gone and I was heading towards very irritable or mixed. He called back, said I was insightful about needing to increase the topamax and said to go ahead. He also talked to me about the xanax comment- and how he was the pdoc on call at the ER this weekend...I took the hint.
I've had enough of this. It's time to grow up. It is starting to affect my thoughts of eating again (or not eating is more like it) and I was doing really well for the last week or so. I so do NOT want to be hospitalized. I know, for me, that there is a strong connection between the SA I'm dealing with in therapy, the bp and the ED. As others have stated, the ED has become a control issue. For me, it stems partly from the SA, it is another form of SI, it's an expression of depression, and it's proof of excess energy that comes from my illness. It is a physical representation of my mental illness. Period. Wow, that is really hard to admit.
I'm sorry that I tend to get really off topic on this board and discuss bp or psych meds here. I am not trying to take away from other issues or downplay what others are going through. I just know that, for me, this is where my ED issues stem from. My weight loss has gone from a side effect of depression to psychological issue, thus classifying it an ED.
I hope that I am not stepping on anyone's toes when replying to posts or offending anyone by the things I write about. If I do, I am sorry. I don't mean to.
Take care.
Peg
Hi Peg, here I am!
Don't worry I'm not up "too late" right now lol
Gee, I have a few posts to catch up on but I don't see you offending anyone.
~Diana~