New to this, need support & help...

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
New to this, need support & help...
13
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 9:36am
Hi
My DH is thrilled! Other people say how great I look!! Meanwhile I just feel guilty and bad whenever people make these comments, I feel I don't deserve them since I have not done this in a healthy way. I have lost 2 sizes from size 10 to size 6 and my entire work wardrobe is now way too big. How do I deal with that too? I feel so guilty about everything. Thanks for any words of wisdom anyone has.
Allie



Edited 9/13/2009 1:40 pm ET by alsmith32

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 12:53pm

Hi Allie,

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I'm not sure that anything I am going to write will fall under the category of "words of wisdom", but I know they will fit the "your not alone" category and the "I understand" category.

I'm pretty new to this board- I've been here not quite 2 months. I came out of fear- my tdoc (psychologist) threatened to commit me if I continued to lose weight. I posted out of anger to see if she really did have the right to do this since I didn't fit the DSM criteria for anorexia or bulimia. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it) there is the category of eating disorders NOS (not otherwise specified) in case you don't fit the other criteria. She had me. Even though she still hasn't committed me, and I have lost more weight, I have learned a lot being here and "waking up" to the fact that some of my behaviors were hurting me.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS>>>

Now, that being said, part of the reason for losing the weight was just that, to hurt myself. I, like you, have been dealing with childhood SA issues in therapy. My initial intention was not to lose weight. I started losing the weight last Sept. when my mother in law became ill, and I became depressed (I also have lupus, which contributed to the problem). I stopped exercising. After my MIL passed in Nov. I became even more depressed. Eventually I decided in Jan. to start exercising again, knowing that this may be a natural antidepressant. Well, they got new equipment in the gym and I started noticing results, since I had already lost some weight. Seeing the definition and muscle tone encouraged me to work out more and harder and the cycle continued. I still only went 3 times per week for an hour- not excessive. But, I wasn't eating enough. I also started on bupropion (generic wellbutrin) which can have weight loss side effects. Then, I bought a bike and started riding. I ended up working out a total of 1 hour per day every day of the week. I have lost a total of 27lbs since Sept. It may not sound like a lot. But, I am 5'10", I was 154lbs to start. I am 127lbs now. I went from a size 8-10 to a size 0-2. I am officially underweight. I have to remind myself to eat breakfast in the morning. I just started a new med that is notorious to cause weight loss- not a good thing for me- I literally cannot afford to loose much more weight. I have vowed to only exercise 30 minutes per day- and I have kept that commitment- thanks to the support of Diana (the cl here). She has helped me to understand eating issues, the psychology around them, etc. She is a very loving, supportive and knowledgable woman who I am blessed to have met.

I totally understand the control issue you spoke of. When you are abused as a child, you feel like your control was taken, you feel helpless. Once you find some power, you hold on to it with all of your might and don't want to let it go, even if it is harmful. I have so many coping skills that I used to survive my childhood. Very few of them are healthy, most of them are very dangerous. It is hard work to relearn new skills as an adult, especially to trust that they will work and that you will be ok if you let go. Trust is a hard thing to gain, especially when you have been abused.

As far as guilt is concerned, I believe that often comes with depression. Have you noticed any benefits from the Wellbutrin?

The clothes, you will have to have restock your wardrobe. I've done this 3 times now. I can't even find pants any more- they don't make a 0 tall and places that they do, I can't afford. I have found that drinking Boost or Ensure high protein helps me to stop loosing too much weight, but still allows me to feel like I am controling my eating because it is a drink, not food (strange, I know, but that's how it works in my head sometimes).

One word of advice, there is a warning with that medication, it is on the patient information sheet, that anyone who has an eating disorder should NOT take Wellbutrin. So, please be careful.

Please take care of yourself. You stated that you are still within "normal" limits of weight. You can be within normal limits and still be anorexic or bulimic. The control is what tends to put you there.

Hugs,
Peg

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 12:30am
H


Edited 9/13/2009 1:40 pm ET by alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 3:51am

Hi again!

If you've been on the Wellbutrin for 4 months, my guess is that you should have noticed some positive effects by now. It may be that it's not the right med for you. You may want to talk with your pdoc (psychiatrist) or gp (family dr)- whoever prescribed the med for you- or maybe the dose is not right (theraputic dose is usually around 300mg/day not to exceed 450)- but I'm not a dr so don't take this dosing info too seriously. Double check the side effects of the med. Many antidepressants can actually cause depression- crazy isn't it? And, again, I can't stress enough, that Wellbutrin is strongly contraindicated (discouraged) for anyone with any type of weight loss or eating disorder. I will actually call my doctors and let them know when I lose 3-5lbs. It is my "reality check" to keep me safe (and alive sometimes). I really recommend that you are open and honest with your prescribing doctor about your weight loss and this prescription warning. Just my opinion. I'll get off my soap box now ;-).

When I read your reply, a thought popped into my head- it may be totally irrelevant, but I'll share it with you anyway. You stated that you have a weight issue, not a food issue. I was wondering if, since the weight issue seems to have started since the therapy has started, not since the depression has started, is it consciously or subconsiously manifested in the SA issues that you are working on? There are only two factors that you mentioned that have changed since the weight loss: the starting of the WB and the starting of the therapy. WB can cause weight loss, but typically not dramatic weight loss that you are speaking of. Maybe, emotionally, you are reacting to things you are discussing in therapy and you feel that if you loose the weight you will not be "attractive", which will protect you from being abused again or it would have protected you from being abused in the first place. Or, you are not "worthy" of looking good/eating/being a healthy weight because you were SA (feeling guilty that you were SA). Ok, that sounds really stupid when I type it out...that might not be exactly what I mean, but something along those lines- like it is a reaction or a protection from the SA. Again, I'm no therapist or doctor so I could be totally off here- just a thought that popped into my head- it is 3am so who knows...

It is hard to answer the "how did you lose the weight" question. I freeze too. When is it going to stop? When you choose to stop it, period. You are in control, just like you said. You need to have the will to eat properly and take care of your needs, both physcially and emotionally. I guess there is a difference between a food vs. a weight issue...I just see it all as a control issue...at least that is what it is for me- no matter which one you control, the outcome is the same- you are going to lose some weight.

I hope that you continue to post to try to work through this. Sorry if I'm not very helpful. This is a tough issue to deal with- there is a lot of emotion behind this issue and sometimes it is hard to find the real trigger(s) or cause(s). I think that if you are open and honest with your tdoc, your prescribing physician and most importantly, yourself, you will be succussful on your road to recovery. It takes time and work, but you can find support to help you get there.

"Talk" to you later.

Peg

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 2:08am
,


Edited 9/13/2009 1:39 pm ET by alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 3:59am

Hi there, alsmith and welcome to the Ed board.


When

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:20am

I can really relate to some of what you're saying regarding answering questions from friends, family, and coworkers about your weight loss! I usually end up telling them that I've cut way back on eating sweets and I'm working on exercising more. I figured that's sound diet advice for most people---it won't hurt them to try it, and I won't have to go into the details about my ED and my meds. I admit to feeling a bit guilty because I'm not being completely truthful and it's not that simple for most people, particularly those with serious weight problems.

I have one very close friend who knows the whole story (other than my doctor, of course), but otherwise not even my husband knows what's going on. I don't know, I just can't bring myself to discuss it. I also have ADHD, so when asked I'll atribute my meds to that in a vague sort of way. I haven't lost more weight in the last several months and am trying not to now---strange for me, I used to be very overweight. I think that most of the people who seem to think I'm too thin now are people who are accustomed to seeing me as overweight.

Anyway, it's been helpful to be able to read some of the messages on this board and get a little bit of insight as to how others feel about some of the same issues I have. I'm finding out that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and it helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:17am

Hi there, music-gal, & welcome to you!


I'm glad you've found the posts helpful.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:28am

Thanks for the welcome! I've been "lurking" for a while.

I'm taking Topamax to help control bulimia symptoms, although I think there are a lot of other issues wrapped up in there too. The Topamax has helped tremendously, and I feel that if I were to quit taking it I'd be right back to where I was before, but now I don't have much of an appetite most of the time and I'm starting to get those concerned "You look great but you don't need to lose any more....." comments from family, friends, and coworkers.

So after a lifetime of being overweight---and I do mean, very much too heavy, my non-pregnant "high" was 192 lbs. ---I'm now trying to keep from losing more. I'm 5'4" and am at about 120 now, but have a large frame (no, really, I do!) so I'm okay where I am but I haven't weighed this little since I was in perhaps 6th grade. I find I'm having to be conscious of how much I'm eating, and think about what is really a normal-sized serving and if I'm eating that much or more or less. I also have a really long list, and always have, of foods that are, in my mind, "bad" and that I won't eat, that *logically* I know won't hurt in small portions. That's another struggle, but after reading some of the other posts on this board I've found that I'm not the only one with the same struggles in that area, and it does help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:05pm

Hey, I am large framed also so no problems there, if you kwim.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:45am

Hi there Allie, just checkin' up on ya :)

 

 

~Diana~

Pages