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| Sun, 08-20-2006 - 6:56pm |
I can't believe I'm even thinking of this ...
I've been a 'recovering bulimic' for about 8 years. During the worst of it, I was throwing up 20-30 times a day. I did it for the control, never for weight loss - after being the victim of an attempted rape and the death of someone close to me. I used to read books on how to "not show symptoms" and one day got concerned that it could kill me. I checked myself into counseling and worked for two years to get where I'm at now ... bulimia free. My husband and the friends I made in counseling are the only ones who know I suffered with Bulimia - I could never bring myself to tell my family.
Things have been so very stressful for me lately - mostly having to do with work. It sometimes seems like nothing ever goes easy for us though I'm sure many people looking at my life would think quite differently. The stressing is making me a wreck and frankly not much fun to be around. DH has asked me to consider going back on antidepressants which I don't want to do - for me that feels like such an incredible failing. I don't smoke or drink and I'm at a loss for how to cope with my feelings of failing. I remember telling my counselor once that bulimia was comforting to me ... it gave me a sense of control and power that felt good. There are times when I long to feel like that again, when I would give anything to feel like I have a bit of control of this otherwise hectic life of mine.
I can't tell DH, his heart would break. His feeling like he let me down would kill me. I don't have anyone here I can talk to - I've moved to another state since I was in counseling. I'd love to have someone to chat with, someone not judgmental, someone whose heart won't break when I share things ... I could use some strength because right now I don't feel ike I have much of my own.
Jen


You've come to the right place ~ this message board is full of very supportive people. I am glad that you have found us.
But first of all: ((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))) It sounded in your post like you needed some hugs, and a place to sit quietly from a few minutes.
My name is Poppy, and whilst I don't suffer from ED, I do hang out here. The short story is that one day Diana needed help whilst her then-co-CL was on vacation, and I was sent here for a couple of weeks. I was
Hi Jen!
~Diana~
Dearest Jen,
I haven't visited this discussion board in quite some time, as it can be painful for me to revisit some of my own struggles via the shared experiences of others, however your post genuinely touched me on a very personal level and I felt it dire to respond.
First and foremost, I completely understand and can relate to all of your reasons for wanting to cling to past bulimic tendencies. As someone who struggled with chronic anorexia for nine years, but has been physically recovered for about three, wanting to feel powerful, in control and autonomous are totally reasonable and acceptable byproducts of all that you have experienced, lived through and are presently trying to surmount. I realize that this is so much easier said than done, but I wanted to stress that there are healthy and unhealthy channels within which to exude these feelings. Ultimately, being in control of your life means making healthy choices: moving forward in the direction of your dreams, being completely present for your family, dealing with the natural stresses of everyday life in non-self-deflating ways (i.e. going to the gym, talking things out with friends and/or significant others, doing something special to celebrate yourself, etc.), walking through both rain and shine with the clear conscience of a strong, independent and resilient young woman, determined to walk on and beyond the tribulations that leave other people paralyzed, without accomplishment and stagnant in their daily lives.
With respect to your thoughts on antidepressants, I, too, once regarded taking medication as a tremendous failing, a relinquishment of control over my own mind/body and, regardless, something that I didn't deserve. As miserable as I was in my own skin and as convinced as I was that I was less than desirable, imperfect, unworthy and floundering amidst a dysfunctional family that wouldn't change with or without medication, over the years I arrived at a place wherein I starkly realized that everything precious to me (i.e. my education, my future career, my friends and family, my one shot at life...) would be self-sacrificed to my eating disorder/chronic depression if I didn't stop, really focus and make the conscious decision that I no longer wanted to be completely unhappy; trying to turn my life around entailed being in the necessary mental state to do so, which is where antidepressant medication ultimately saved my life (you should read Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel- a fabulous, *fabulous* memoir). I couldn't encourage you enough to take a step in the right direction and allow yourself to revisit various antidepressants; I strongly believe that after having done so, you will have conquered one of the biggest hurdles to recovery and immediately notice positive changes in your ability to walk through life. In addition and once having taken this first "baby step," it will become even clearer that deciding NOT to help yourself is actually a means of slowly giving up your control to other providers who will eventually have to intervene; taking true control of your life means making the decision to get well and doing whatever is in your power to get back on-track. In my case, thinking that I was in control of my life/clinging to my eating disorder only resulted in numerous hospitalizations, indirectly overturning my power to various healthcare professionals who thereafter decided EVERY course of my own treatment (mostly devastatingly ineffective and intrusive methods) and paradoxically losing my voice in the throes of trying to give voice to my emotional and physical starvation.
Please, please, please keep your head up, recognize that you do, in fact, know what's best for you and that it's simply a matter of letting go of this erroneous notion of "failure" that's holding you back from making a major milestone in the right direction. Taking medication is NEVER failing, but, rather, a hugely successful intervention that solely entails putting naturally-manufactured chemicals in your brain that get degraded prematurely and/or are not manufactured in full capacity. Antidepressant medication is a medical miracle and you and I both need it to be successful women, Jen. Without it, I wouldn't have graduated from high school, attended a top-notch university/earned an extremely competitive degree, sustained many relationships, held down thought-intensive jobs and, most importantly, come to terms with the fact that we're only given one chance at life. Seriously, why live unhappily when life is nothing but a gift? Take a moment to breathe and let some of the "faux control" go, as that is the only way that you will be able to reclaim true control and move on with all of your strength, potential and infinite wisdom.
Please let me know how you're doing and if there is any way that I can be of further support. I'd be honored to keep in touch and serve as a genuine source of light amidst the more difficult times. I've circled the Dantean inferno from here unto eternity (and multiple, multiple times) and whole-heartedly lay claim to the fact that THINGS CAN ONLY AND WILL GET BETTER.
All the best and please know that you're in my thoughts,
Jennifer
Hello Jennifer!
~Diana~