Memories, memories and more memories

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Memories, memories and more memories
2
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 3:38pm

Guess it's been a while since I posted an update. I wish I could post with happier news, but about the best news is that I got to go on vacation from everything that's been going on with the ED treatment. The last six weeks or so have been tough... I have been having so many flashbacks and repressed memories surface. Sometimes I wonder if they are ever going to stop; I'm told they will eventually. They come out of nowhere, but fortunately have nearly all come when I've been in a safe place to deal with and/or react to them. Last night's memory was more real and graphic then many of the others. Connecting all these to the eating disorder is the weirdest part. I know they must be related, and I know that food was involved as reward in one abusive instance and as punishment in many others, but it's so strange how everything got so screwed up and out of control, food-wise.

And now, because I am on medication, my medical doctor is more involved in everything. I trust her completely and I am entirely honest with her, but I get a little nervous about the role she may play in the recovery process. She's pretty emphatic about continuing to get treatment or else... She continues to not-so-subtley hint at what the "or else" would entail. That totals three people that have mentioned some form of the "or else," which seems odd to me because I feel like I am so far away from needing to be in an inpatient setting. Physically, I am doing fairly well, although psychologically, I guess things are more difficult right now. So, it seems that if I am physcially stable and okay that I wouldn't need the more intensive treatment setting, right?

Anyway, that's a bit of what's been going on. Putting it down in writing helps a bit, but I am sorry for venting so much negative stuff. Thanks for reading.

Love,
so_cal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 12:38pm

Negative?

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:17pm

Hi So Cal!


I don't see anything whingy or negative in your post. You are doing great, you know - that's the view we get from over here. It's really hard when memories do resurface, but these aren't negative things happening, So Cal. These are things that need to come out so that you can heal and get well. Your remembering how food played a part in the abuse is a great leap forward, even though it might not seem so right now.


I am so glad that you do have a team of doctors and specialist. I think they are concerned for you, and that's good, and they are setting up the safety fences for you which is most probably coming out through the not very subtle "or elses". Being physically stable is really good, So Cal, and is most probably what is holding you together as you deal with your past. Your emotional and psychological well-being is closely linked to your physical one, though. This is true for everyone, but more so for those who suffer from ED or SI.


((((((((((hugs))))))))))