Hi guys...triggers...ed mentioned...
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| Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:04pm |
I was an active member here about 3 years ago...and since then I've lurked regularly. I have an ED. It varies from month to month. Its all about control. Either I have control completely of SOMETHING in my life, or absolutely NO CONTROL of anything in my life. I am Bipolar. I have been on and off of Topamax several times. I have been in a pretty bad mixed, or severe rapid cycling episode, now for about 2 weeks. I went back on Topamax a week ago. Things hit the fan this past weekend. I was really bad off. I'm also on Lithium. Sorry for the BP meds update, I know this isn't the place, but its just background. As some of you know, Topamax has the side affect of causing weight loss, due to appetite suppression. Well, for me, with my ED background, this could be a bad thing.
However, I am overweight. I was dx'ed with anorexic tendencies while being overweight. Because I would go days without eating.
Today, its back. I cannot cannot cannot eat. I know, logically, its the Topamax. But, I have to admit this...it feels so good. I finally, feel in control again.
I tried to eat breakfast. I've done really well with not skipping any meals...but I can't eat now. I tried to eat lunch...and its disgusting me.
I really don't want to go back on the ED wagon...but in the back of my mind...I'm already there...
I know that sounds sooooo crazy.
I guess I just needed to admit this. To get it out of me.
There is so much going on inside my head...things that have surfaced again, after many months of surpressing. They have exploded into reality, and this feels like a way to be okay.
I know that's not true...but it really feels like it is. I'm not in therapy. I need to be.
I don't want to eat, and now I don't know how to force myself to eat. Especially since the meds have made it easy.
Just typing this I realize I sound awful. But I'm not. Can anyone understand?
Hugs,
Keli

Hi Keli and welcome back!
Thanks for the bp meds update -- not a problem sharing that here.
~Diana~
Nope, you aren't awful at all.
Sweetie, just as you can't force someone else to do something, you can't force yourself to do anything, either. But you can take a different view point, or modify things so that they are more manageable for you. I don't how this can translate for you at this moment - this is something that you have to figure out yourself.
As Diana said, write, talk, reach out. Get what's inside out of the system and into the open. First of all, it brings relife. Second, it'll bring you support. Third, it might bring you help or at the very least some ideas.
Keep on posting, Kel.
((((((((hugs))))))))
I am a new member to this discussion group. Yes I do underrstand what you are going through. Even though I am not bipolar and my appetite isn't being surpressed due to medication I do have to literally force myself to eat, which is counter productive since I just end up throwing it up or purging it through excessive exercise. I have been practicing anorexic and bulimic behaviors for about 8 years without wanting to come to terms with it. Unfortuntely it took my fathers' death in December to get me to admit that I have a problem. I am dealing with constant regret of not allowing my father to help me years ago. I also regret the fact that I can't take back some of the harsh things that I said when he tried to get me to realize that I had a problem. I have been writing a great deal of poetry in the hopes of trying to understand why or what drove me to such a deadly cycle (which is posted under have you ever...). Feel free to read them if you like. I hope things start looking up for you soon. Keep on fighting and remember we are all in this together.
Goodnight,
Krissy
Beautifully said, Krissy.
~Diana~