New And Scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
New And Scared
4
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:03pm

I am scared. I am 45 years old and have had this stupid ED for at least 10 years. To top that off, I am bipolar and take medication to keep my moods even. The bipolar is handled and I feel wonderful there but I look in the mirror and I feel like a blimp..a fat blimp. No, I know that fat is not a feeling...I have read all of the books...I have been in and out of outpatient therapy. The only way that I will heal is going into a program...but I am not ready to let go......help. My biggest concern this afternoon is that I gained 1/2 pound and now weight 100....I have to be in the double digits...am I messed up.

Shirley

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: shirleyooo
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 5:36pm

Hi Shirleyoo:
I know what you are going through sometimes it is easier to partake in an Ed then to deal with your emotions. I am a 23 year old female whom believes I am suffering from a combination of anorexia and Bulimia. I am 5 feet 7 inches 135 pounds. I am so scared to have a professional evaluation because then it would mean that I was right for 8 years and did nothing but continue the deadly cycle. I have been writing tons and tons of poetry to try to make sense of what I am doing. I am currently a senior at the University of Cincinnati who aspires to go to law school after I earn my B.A. in communications. I am a type A perfectionist who likes to be the best at everything she sets forth to accomplish or why else start it at all. Also my father passed away December 9th; I wish I could apologize for all the blow ups we had about my Anorexic/bulimic behaviors. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have listened to him and allowed him to help me instead of pushing him away.
I am currently in an emotional tug a war with a guy named Joe who doesn't know what he wants. I thought it was a good idea to tell him about my ED. I thought if I told him then I would be able to spare myself the pain that would occurr if he found out eleswhere. He keeps emailing and asking when he can take me to the movies but I don't know if he truly realizes what he is getting himself into. I don't want him to embark on this relationshipn out of pity. This may sound harsh but I don't need nor do I want a male to swoop in and save me I just want him to love and accept me for who I am. Here are some examples of poetry that I have written:
Around and Around
Around and around
we go through this
tangled web of misery.
Around and around
we go as I wonder
will my loved ones and I
ever be free from
this tangled web of misery?
Around and around we go
battling internal and external demons
in a quest for eternal freedom.

As I Awaken
As I awaken ready to conquer the verbal
prison filled with messages of
doubt,
confusion,
and manipulation
my internal voice from within says
Try, try as you might you will never
be powerful enough to reverse
my programming.

As I stand before you
As I stand before you
about to fall
I ask you
Why can't I stand tall?
As I stand before you
you quickly reply
you can't stand tall
because you are not small.
Try, Try as you might
to over power me tonight
for I will always be taller
Stronger and more powerful
than you will ever be.
So the next time you think
that you are strong
remember where you belong.


Run
Run, Run as fast
as you can
to burn the calories
that you just took in.
Run, Run as fast
as you can
you can not catch me
for I am faster and stronger
than you will ever be.
Try, try as you might
to out run me tonight
my internal voice once
said to me
but as you attempt
to catch me remember that
I will always be there to push
you to burn the extra calories
in order to be thin.
Sorry for such a lengthy email. Thanks for listening. I hope to hear from you soon. Also please feel free to email me when you want to talk.
~Krissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: shirleyooo
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:34pm

Hi, Shirley, and welcome to the Ed board.


I understand what you are feeling.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
In reply to: shirleyooo
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 1:24pm

Thank you for responding to my e-mail. It is the first time that I have reached out and actually got a response from someone. Your poetry really hit me in my heart. There are days when I wake up and feel fat...of course...therapy tells you that fat is not a feeling. I am strapped to the scale. I have to be under 100 pounds...a double digit...if i gain 1/2 pound my evening is ruined.

I am 45 and have been struggling for many years with anorexia. It started when I was 20 years old...still living at home..and living with a mother who I consider evil..my mother hated fat people and constantly picked on me. She said to me that I was mentally retarted because my knees were bruised. She made fun of me when we went shopping and I had to get the next size up.....Do you know what your eating disorder is from? It took me a long time to figure it out.

I am also a perfectionist. I work in the car industry..I have done everything from receptionist to customer service to service advisor. I am currently in a management position customer service/process improvement. Talk about perfectionist...our scores are low and I work my butt off to change them. I take it personal if the scores are low...the scores have nothing to do with me.

The relationship thing is extremely hard. I had many boyfriends that I ended the relationship with because they wanted to go to dinner all the time and I didn't want to eat all the time. I went thru quite a struggle and even realized that it was much easier not to be in any relationship...then David came along. We have been in our relationship for five years and have just within the last two years started to talk about what is going on with me.
I don't go on the computer everyday but usually every other....let me know what you decide about this guy..what would a movie hurt??? but if he is not ready to commit and doesn't know what he wants..take it from me....find another...your paths are not the same....sorry for the advise....

Shirley

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
In reply to: shirleyooo
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 10:44am

Hi Shirley.


I am so sorry that your mother was so mean and abusive to that extent. What a very troubled and unhappy woman she must have been to have projected her own insecurities and self-loathing onto you, her own child. She must have been so insecure about herself that she picked on a child to make herself feel more powerful, beautiful, stronger.


((((((((((Shirley))))))))))


Your perfection lies not in your body weight. It lies in who you are, and I can tell that you are a bright and beautiful woman. It lies in how you care about those who you're close to. In how you go about work and love and life.