My story with E.D.
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| Sun, 09-10-2006 - 11:03pm |
Where do you begin when you write to strangers? Do you begin with a brief history of your life and who you are? Do you discuss key events in your life that have made you who you are today? Or do you keep it impersonal, and only offer as much information as necessary? What if the stranger is yourself…
I’d like to begin my story by discussing my struggles with an eating disorder. Its been just over 2 years since the first time I watched the swirling water take away my disgust and frustrations. It offered comfort without judgment and questions. It seemed like the perfect solution. If only I had known the cost.
I have found I am a bit different than most women that struggle with E.D. My battle is largely centered on my desire to stuff feelings and emotions. I won’t say that I am not concerned about body image, but its to a far lesser degree. If you had asked me to describe myself three years ago, I would have used words such as easy going, laid back, happy, content, dependable, sensitive, and empathetic. I am not that person anymore, and that’s what hurts the most. I have become withdrawn, secluded, anxious, and cautious. My counselor has a few strong beliefs as to why, and she’s probably right.
The second half of my junior year of college and all of my senior year of college was like a roller coaster. I lost one of the closest people in my life after a series of arguments, fights, and disagreements. She was my best friend and to this day I don’t know what exactly broke the camel’s back. We talked about everything without inhibitions. I confided in her, trusted her, and valued her. She was a huge part of my life for most of my college experiences. Our disagreements and differences seem so small now. I never really recovered from losing her. I did go on with life though. It was my senior year, I had too. I was in the prime of my life. I was in a very loving, supportive relationship with my now husband and I had a job offer than I just couldn’t refuse. I was happy, but I was also hiding from all the feelings I left unresolved after losing my best friend. Something I would later learn helped lead to my eating disorder.
I graduated, accepted a new job in a new city, and moved my boyfriend half way across the country. My future husband was accepted into a graduate program shortly after I accepted my dream job and we ultimately made the decision to remain together even though we were so far apart. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Life went on though. I was settling into a new job, in a new city without my best friend and my boy friend. Still, I believed I was happy. Its only now that I realize I was engaging in unhealthy emotional practices. I felt very broken after losing my best friend. I felt alone after moving my boyfriend across the country, and I closed myself off. Of course, I didn’t know that then, but I do now. I withdrew from everyone else that was close in my life. I shut off all opportunities to make new friends, and stuffed all my feelings. I was looking for somewhere safe. I found it in E.D.
E.D. was perfect. No judgments, no emotional risks, no unpredictability. Once again, I wish I had known the price.
I am hoping this board will be a place where I can find support to help my recovery.

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Hey Shizzler:
I know what you are going through. It is very easy to find comfort in something as destructive as an ED. I am a 23 year old female whom believes that I am suffering from a combination of anorexia and Bulimia. I am 5 feet 7 inches 135 pounds. I am so scared to have a professional evaluation because then it would mean that I was right for 8 years and did nothing but continue the deadly cycle. I have been writing tons of poetry to try to make sense of what I am doing. I am currently a senior at the University of Cincinnati who aspires to go to law school after I earn my B.A. in communications. I am a type A perfectionist who likes to be the best at everything she sets forth to accomplish or why else start it at all. Also my father passed away December 9th; I wish I could apologize for all the blow ups we had about my Anorexic/bulimic behaviors. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have listened to him and allowed him to help me instead of pushing him away.
I am currently in an emotional tug a war with a guy named Joe who doesn't know what he wants. I thought it was a good idea to tell him about my ED. I thought if I told him then I would be able to spare myself the pain that would occurr if he found out eleswhere. He keeps emailing and asking when he can take me to the movies but I don't know if he truly realizes what he is getting himself into. I don't want him to embark on this relationshipn out of pity. This may sound harsh but I don't need nor do I want a man to swoop in and save me I just want him to love and accept me for who I am. Here are some examples of poetry that I have written:
Around and Around
Around and around
we go through this
tangled web of misery.
Around and around
we go as I wonder
will my loved ones and I
ever be free from
this tangled web of misery?
Around and around we go
battling internal and external demons
in a quest for eternal freedom.
As I Awaken
As I awaken ready to conquer the verbal
prison filled with messages of
doubt,
confusion,
and manipulation
my internal voice from within says
Try, try as you might you will never
be powerful enough to reverse
my programming.
As I stand before you
As I stand before you
about to fall
I ask you
Why can't I stand tall?
As I stand before you
you quickly reply
you can't stand tall
because you are not small.
Try, Try as you might
to over power me tonight
for I will always be taller
Stronger and more powerful
than you will ever be.
So the next time you think
that you are strong
remember where you belong.
Run
Run, Run as fast
as you can
to burn the calories
that you just took in.
Run, Run as fast
as you can
you can not catch me
for I am faster and stronger
than you will ever be.
Try, try as you might
to out run me tonight
my internal voice once
said to me
but as you attempt
to catch me remember that
I will always be there to push
you to burn the extra calories
in order to be thin.
Sorry for such a lengthy email. Thanks for listening. I hope to hear from you soon. Also please feel free to email me when you want to talk.
~Krissy
It sounds like we are in very similar situations. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. That must be really hard. You can't beat yourself up over what happened in the past though. I'm sure he knew how much he meant to you, and I think you should remember that it wasn't the true you that was pushing his help away. It was E.D. I'm sure you have discovered by now that E.D. has a will power all of its own.
I am 25 years old, and was married last year to the most amazing guy. I understand what you are going through when it comes to telling others about your disorder. It took me a long time to tell my husband, and he is still the only person (other than my counselor) that knows. Hopefully, Joe, knows how hard it is to admit to and can be supportive.
If you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me. I really enjoyed reading your poetry and please feel free to keep sharing.
Sara
Hello there Shizzler, and a big welcome to the Eating Disorders board!
To answer your last question first, yes, this is a safe place for you receive support and care, understanding and love as you go about recovering.
~Diana~
Hi Sara:
Thanks for your support and compassion. I hope that the relationship between Joe and I turns out for the best. I just think it will take him sometime to wrap his mind aroung what I am going through. Joe is going through a difficult time with his father's health hanging by a thread. His father is almost as bad off as my father was before he passed. I hate to break it to Joe but I don't think that his father is going to be around much longer. I hope sometime soon he will be able to make a decision as to where we stand on an intimate level but until then I will try to be content with just being friends. I have never fell for someone so suddenly since my ex. I think it would be so much easier if I could figure out what is drawing me in. Who would have thought two perfect strangers would have so much in common. How did you know your husband was the one? If you don't mind me asking, how did he react to your E.D.? Well I have to go get ready for work so I will talk to you later.
Bye for now.
Krissy
Edited 9/12/2006 9:02 am ET by creativeone23
cl-jammin,
Thanks for your post and words of encouragement. What I meant by "I moved my bf half way across the country" is that I moved him and then returned home by myself. We spent two years more than 1200 miles apart, but I'm proud to say we made it and are now married.
I actually do see a counselor already for my anxiety and my eating disorder. Unfortunately, my husband and I will be moving to a new state soon, so I was hoping to find some support online to help see me through the transition. I am going to try to find a therapist in my new state too. My counselor has helped me realize that I stuff my emotions and that I need to re-learn how to express them. That's the hard part for me. I've spent so long hiding from my feelings that I don't even know how to describe (or even identify them) anymore. Its very scary.
Hey Krissy-
I'm very sorry to hear about Joe's father. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and think about right now. That probably makes the eating disorder even tougher to deal with, but hang in there. It will make you that much stronger.
In regards to how I knew my husband was the one...You need a little background on us to make our story make sense. We dated for 4 years before we were married. We met in college my junior year and spent the first 2 years becoming companions. The year we graduated I made a decision to accept a job 60 miles away from our college town and he made a decision to go to graduate school 1200+ miles away. It was rough. Neither one of us wanted to ask the other to stay or move because the opportunities we had were amazing. So, we did the distance thing while he was at graduate school. I was a bit of a mess (to say the least) when he left, but after my first visit to see him I calmed down. Something just clicked inside of me that made me realize he was the one. We vowed to see eachother once a month and everytime we saw eachother it we just picked up where we left off. After that first visit, most of my insecurities went away because I was able to see that the distance did not change a thing about the way he felt about me. It just meant we had to work a little harder at communicating with eachother and be more clever on how to offer support to eachother.
In regards to his reaction when I told him I had an eating disorder...He was supportive from the first time I told him, although he didn't understand it. He also didn't get how serious it was. He would offer words of encouragement, but he didn't really know how to help me. It wasn't until he witnessed one of his close friends become an alcoholic that he got the true power of E.D. It was a little frustrating to me that he had to see an alcoholic struggle with recovery to understand me, but I'm glad something helped him understand. He told me that he had no idea how something like alcohol could have such control over someone so powerful and strong-willed. Then he told me, he now understood how E.D. must work. He realized it had nothing to do with my will-power or that I was weak, that it was my coping mechanism. Ever since then, he has been very helpful. He even went to an open house at my therapist and asked questions on how he could support me. I'm very fortunate that he is involved and is making an effort to understand and help me.
Sara
Yours and your husbands relationship sounds like a storybook romance. It sounds like your prince has truly arrived. Hopefully I will be just as lucky. Only a few people know about my ED mainly friends or aquaintances that have already been through it. I am so glad you have someone so understanding and compassionate in your life. Sorry about the short response but I have to get ready for work. So I will talk to you later.
Krissy
Krissy-
How did you tell the people in your life that now about your E.D.? I've struggled with the decision to my my mother and sister for a long time, and everytime I think about it I decide not too. I am just too ashamed. Also, what do you do as alternatives to E.D.? Do you have any distractions?
Sara
I just came out and told Joe,and three friends who are going through similar situations or are recovered straight out because I couldn't handle the guilt of living a secret life. I think that certain people that I interact with on a daily basis deserve to know about my struggle with weight and food but I don't want it to lower their opinion of me.
I am so scared that if I tell Chris about it he will treat me with kid gloves worse than he does now. At the same time I don't want to ruin our relationship and him to think that he has to walk on egg shells around me. What should I do? If you were in a similar situation what would you do? Everytime I flip out I can see the confusion on his face. I think that it is only right for me to try to eliminate some of the confusion but I don't want to attempt it if it is going to jeopardize everything that I have worked hard for. Some time soon as much as I hate the possibility I am probably going to have to find a way to set my pride aside and explain to him what is going on.
Krissy-
How was E.D. yesterday? Sounds like you are in between a rock and a hard place with Chris. What is your relationship with him? Brother, friend??? I guess you will have to way the pros and cons of telling him. If you don't think he can handle it or if you don't think he will understand what are the benefits of telling him?
Sara
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