My story with E.D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
My story with E.D.
12
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 11:03pm

Where do you begin when you write to strangers? Do you begin with a brief history of your life and who you are? Do you discuss key events in your life that have made you who you are today? Or do you keep it impersonal, and only offer as much information as necessary? What if the stranger is yourself…

I’d like to begin my story by discussing my struggles with an eating disorder. Its been just over 2 years since the first time I watched the swirling water take away my disgust and frustrations. It offered comfort without judgment and questions. It seemed like the perfect solution. If only I had known the cost.

I have found I am a bit different than most women that struggle with E.D. My battle is largely centered on my desire to stuff feelings and emotions. I won’t say that I am not concerned about body image, but its to a far lesser degree. If you had asked me to describe myself three years ago, I would have used words such as easy going, laid back, happy, content, dependable, sensitive, and empathetic. I am not that person anymore, and that’s what hurts the most. I have become withdrawn, secluded, anxious, and cautious. My counselor has a few strong beliefs as to why, and she’s probably right.

The second half of my junior year of college and all of my senior year of college was like a roller coaster. I lost one of the closest people in my life after a series of arguments, fights, and disagreements. She was my best friend and to this day I don’t know what exactly broke the camel’s back. We talked about everything without inhibitions. I confided in her, trusted her, and valued her. She was a huge part of my life for most of my college experiences. Our disagreements and differences seem so small now. I never really recovered from losing her. I did go on with life though. It was my senior year, I had too. I was in the prime of my life. I was in a very loving, supportive relationship with my now husband and I had a job offer than I just couldn’t refuse. I was happy, but I was also hiding from all the feelings I left unresolved after losing my best friend. Something I would later learn helped lead to my eating disorder.

I graduated, accepted a new job in a new city, and moved my boyfriend half way across the country. My future husband was accepted into a graduate program shortly after I accepted my dream job and we ultimately made the decision to remain together even though we were so far apart. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Life went on though. I was settling into a new job, in a new city without my best friend and my boy friend. Still, I believed I was happy. Its only now that I realize I was engaging in unhealthy emotional practices. I felt very broken after losing my best friend. I felt alone after moving my boyfriend across the country, and I closed myself off. Of course, I didn’t know that then, but I do now. I withdrew from everyone else that was close in my life. I shut off all opportunities to make new friends, and stuffed all my feelings. I was looking for somewhere safe. I found it in E.D.

E.D. was perfect. No judgments, no emotional risks, no unpredictability. Once again, I wish I had known the price.

I am hoping this board will be a place where I can find support to help my recovery.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:41am

Hi, Krissy,


About falling for someone so soon.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 8:43pm
I know what it feels like to loose someone you love, but making new friends will help a whole lot. I have an ed too, and i hope you can recover. It takes forever to begin a routine that seems normal, but once you have one, stick with it.
good luck!!
xoxo britt

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