My story and introduction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
My story and introduction
3
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 10:43am

First, I want to say hello to everyone.  I have been lurking here off and on for a few weeks and I guess I just feel like it's time to come out of the shadows  :)


My name is Casey and I am 25.  I have struggled with an ed since 7th grade.  Some years were better than others.  I first recognized that my avoidance of food was a problem when I was in 10th grade.  However, I didn't drop weight drastically, I just became more and more compulsive.  By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 15 lbs less than when I started--but I was still barely in the 'healthy' range.  My first 2 years of college were so difficult.  I gained weight, I lost weight.  I tried to shake my obsession and I ignored the idea that I had a problem.  Those 2 years were also very detrimental b/c one of my roommates was a "recovered" anorexic...She would tell stories of her time in the hospital weighing in at 68 lbs.  I was mesmerized by her story and at the same time I used it to convince myself that I did not have a serious problem.


At the end of my sophmore year of college, I met my dh.  He made me deliriously happy--but that just made me strive to be perfect on the inside and out.  I lost 10 lbs within our first 6 months together.  And then, after we had been dating for 8 months, dh's dad died suddenly at the age of 47.  The pain that dh was feeling was so intense and I felt so helpless.  Without meaning to, I dropped another 8 lbs.  I was 108--the lowest number still considered healthy for my height.  The following summer we got engaged...Planning a wedding is not the stress factor that someone with an ed needs, lol.  Our wedding date was set for the following summer.  During the course of that year, I began binging and purging.  I had a daily struggle with myself--"It's not healthy, you have to eat"...Then I would eat and feel guilty so I would purge.  There was not a single bridal shower that I didn't escape the bathroom.  I remember my first dress fitting the next spring...I was already in the smallest size that they carried, a 2.  And yet I somehow incurred $150 in alterations as the dress was taken in all over and boobs had to be sewn in just to keep the strapless dress from falling off of me.  The final fitting was 1 month before our wedding date.  I knew I had lost weight since the first fitting, but I didn't realize how much.  My dress didn't even come close to fitting.  I broke down and cried in David's Bridal.  The seamstress did her best to make it work, but even all of my wedding pictures show how the dress was falling off of me and gathering at my waist.  I weighed myself the morning of my wedding 6/14/03.  I hadn't done so in months.  I saw 92 flash 3 times on my scale.  I was exhausted and the excitement of my wedding day couldn't overcome it. 


Dh and I went on our honeymoon and the very first night we were there he took me into his arms and told me that we had to talk.  He said that he didn't want to put pressure on me before the wedding but that he owed it to us both to confront what was going on.  We talked, I cried, and I promised to get help.  That summer I saw a wonderful therapist and I began to reconstruct my body image and self esteem.  We focused on when the problem started and what the root of my problem was.  By August I had gained 10 lbs.  I felt better than I had in years.


The biggest turning point came in October  though.  Dh and I were surprised when I found out I was pregnant.  The day I found out, I weighed 108.  Throwing a pregnancy into the mix when you are trying to correct your body image and trying to gain good weight is very difficult.  However, it was the magic that I needed.  For the first time I realized that I was responsible for being healthy for my child.  To this day, that is the driving force behind the rehabilitation of my mind.  I now have two little boys.  I've been through 2 pregnancies, even harder, two post-pregnancies where I was forced to lose weight in a healthy manner.  I still keep in touch with my therapist from time to time too.  She helps me keep things in perspective and she reminds me, between chasing my 2 yr old and 8 m/o, to eat, lol! 


After coming full circle with anorexia and bulimia, I know that it is not something that you truly conquer.  I have learned how to overcome the day-to-day struggles.  I have found the motivation that is bigger than myself--my family.  With the help of my therapist, I put a finger on what probably contributed to my eating disorder in the very beginning--and we faced it, worked through it and I have a peace about it now.  The control that I searched for all those years is finally in my grasp--b/c I took it back from the ed that ruled my life.


For anyone that made it this far, thank you!  It's a release just to share what I've been through b/c I've only done so a couple of times.  And, perhaps my story will provide someone else encouragement or hope for their own situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:26am

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Casey. It's very inspiring, and I think that it will give hope to many people who read this board.


I am glad that you are in such a good, happy and healthy place in your life now. I am also glad that you've decided to come out of the shadows to share your story with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 7:31pm

Hi Casey. Welcome to the Board, and thanks for sharing your story. It's great to hear how much your life has improved as a result of focusing, on a daily basis, on your recovery from your ED. It's also wonderful to hear that having children has helped you learn about the importance of taking care of yourself. My dh and I are in the process of trying to start a family (who knows if it'll be possible right now, but we're trying). It's helpful to hear that in your situation, becoming pregnant helped motivate your recovery. I have a treatment team that gets slightly nervous at the thought of me being pregnant, yet we all cautiously know that this may be an essential step in taking additional ownership of my recovery.

Thanks again for sharing your story and introducing yourself! I hope you come back and post again soon!

Hugs,
so_cal_runner

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:59pm

Hi there, caseys2boys, and welcome to the ED board!


The control that I searched for all those years is finally in my grasp--b/c I took it back from the ed that ruled my life.


This is a beautiful statement!

 

 

~Diana~