afraid of an ED--help? Trigger?
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| Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:18pm |
This is really hard for me to admit, but I'm scared I'm headed toward developing an eating disorder, if I haven't already. The only thing is, right now I'm overweight after having a baby six weeks ago. I guess I always think of people with ED as being very thin. Here is my background. I hope it is not upsetting to anyone who is dealing with this.
I have been worried about weight since I was in sixth grade. It was the start of the president's fitness plan, or something like that, and the teacher brought a scale in the room and weighed each one of us in front of the whole class. I weighed more than my closest friends. I was 11 and weighed 92 pounds. I still remember that. Most of them weighed in the 70s or 80s. One of my friends weighed in the 60s (she has yet to weigh more than 100 pounds to this day). I felt mortified. I remember going home and eating a bunch of cookies and feeling guilty but still eating more. Then I would run up and down the stairs until I was exhausted. My mom just thought I was being "silly" and told me I looked normal.
I can't remember a time since then that I haven't been preoccupied with my weight. I tried not to eat more than once a day in high school, and I felt so fat when I graduated. I was 5'4" and weighed 117. I tried throwing up a few times, but I wasn't able to do it. I thank God I didn't succeed. In college, I had fun meeting lots of new people. I gained weight and felt guilty, but then, I noticed the girls in college tended to be bigger than in high school. I didn't feel so huge, but I remember going to class and sucking in my stomach, worrying about making sure my butt didn't take up the whole width of the seat, and worrying about if my etomach would buldge over my pants when I sat down, and obsessing about whether my thighs and arms looked fat. Those were the thoughts that still go through my head when I'm in group settings.
I continued to gain weight through college, weighing about 138 when I finished. My mom warned me I didn't look "cute" anymore and that my butt was getting big. After taking a desk job and spending long hours at my desk and eating out of the vending machine, I gained another 10 pounds by the time I got married four years later. I gained more weight over the next two years, weighing 160 pounds when I got pregnant with our first daughter. I weighed 202 when she was born and lost 20 pounds right away. It took me a year to get down to 160 again--but it was a cycle of eating not huge amounts but small amounts of all the wrong things throughout the day--feeling guilty and then working ou
t. Then I started gaining weight again and ballooned up to 170. Then, when my daughter was 3, I started having irritable bowel. I rapidly lost weight, getting down to 130 in just four months. This sounds weird, but I was thrilled. I didn't want to take medication. I could eat whatever and not gain. I got into size 6 and 8 jeans. Then my IBS went in the other direction, and I rapidly gained. I made friends with a group of women in my neighborhood who run. I started running with them. It felt great--even though I still worried how I looked running. Then I became pregnant again.
My daughter is 6 weeks. I have lost 27 pounds but have 45 more to go at least. I have felt horrible about myself. Last night, I took laxatives. It hurt so much with my IBS. I ate only once today. I ran on the treadmill tonight. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm scared I'm developing an ED. Can anyone help?

Bless your heart. I feel for you. I have experienced a few similarities in my struggles. I am 38 and have 3 kids. The foundation for my ED began in high school too. I gained during that time because I was eating for comfort. My mom expressed frustration with my weight gain too. I am also 5'4" and weighed about 130 at that time. That was my highest weight ever. Over time I lost it, but always weighed around 110 and was preoccupied with my weight. About 5 years ago, my husband wanted to lose a few pounds and we started changing our eating and exercise habits. It all started out so innocently - better food choices and more exercise. Well, 5 years later I have full blown anorexia. I slowly kept changing my eating habits and cutting out more and more foods and eating less, while exercising more and more. I never was a purger, but I would seriously restrict. Sometimes I would binge and then exercise and restrict to "make up" for it.
I have been in treatment since February of this year and my progress is so slow. This disease is horrible - it absolutely controls me. I got down to about 80 pounds and am back up around 85 pounds now, but I still exercise compulsively and freak out if a miss a day. I try not to count calories, but I do and I HATE eating more than 1100 a day. Yesterday I ate too much in the evening so I am restricting again until the afternoon and already planning out how far to ride my bike to "make up" for it. This is awful. It is like a prison. Now in trying to manage this eating behavior, I have started binging on food by chewing it and spitting it out. It is so gross and I am so ashamed, but I want to eat so badly but feel like I can't be trusted to eat food in moderation unless it is a safe food for me.
I would encourage you to talk to someone about how you are feeling before it spirals out of control. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and the sooner you get help, the quicker you will feel better. You could talk to a pastor or seek out a counselor in your area. I see a counselor weekly and it has helped, but it isn't a miracle cure. I just take each day as it comes.
Good luck to you!!! Remember, that your family needs you and so getting better is important. I remind myself of that daily and sometimes that helps me stay on track.
As I read the posts I am sitting here chewing and spitting out poptarts, strawberry frosted. This is how I've been maintaining a healthy weight(121 5'4), when I saw the second post of this I had to respond, what is wrong with me? I can relate to the first post so well done the laxatives but my body became addicted to them and I had to get off of them(was unable to go normally w/o them for a while). An exercise extremist I am, just ran a marathon on Sunday, my first one!! This whole chew and spit thing was just a thing I did while doing Weight Watchers and I regreted a bite of chocolate I had, ever since then I realized I could lose weight and "eat" everything I wanted. I even run to the grocery store for donuts to chew and spit, I hide it very well and don't even want to stop.......any suggestions for me on what this is called or if it's a disorder? Thanks
HI there, southernbelle_1, and a warm welcome to the ED board!!
ED's are more than just about
~Diana~
please, please, please
xoxo britt