hi- in recovery and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
hi- in recovery and scared
18
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:27am

So, I'm not quite sure how to begin this....but bear with me. I just turned 23 last week and 2006 has been such a terrible year for me. I developed an eating disorder in February. I was denying it at first (as I'm sure most people do) but everyone noticed a change in me after a few months- my family, parents, boyfriend, even my co-workers. It wasn't until I had sharp pains shooting in my hips in the beginning of June that I went to go see my doctor. I was hesitant because I didn't want to get weighed by anyone other than myself and I was scared she would tell me I had to eat. I starved myself for months, became obsessed with food (I had a small notebook I would carry around everywhere with me with all the fat and calorie contents of every food imaginable!), was depressed (I didn't talk to anyone- not even my closest friends), purged (even though I didn't eat), took laxatives regularly, and excercised obsessively. I am 5'8". In February I was 150 lbs- by July I had reached 108 lbs and I still wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. There was a sense of enjoyment in seeing the numbers slide downwards on the scale. "I'm winning!" I thought to myself. I weighed myself about 6 times a day for fear of gaining another pound.

In june, my doctor referred me to a nutritionist and to the Renfrew Center. I was hesitant of both. My doctor was worried b/c I hadn't gotten my period since Feb. (and to this day I still haven't gotten it). Eventually I made an appointment with both the nutritionist and the Renfrew. My nutritionist has helped me so much! I'm not afriad of food anymore (at least not afraid of a good portion of foods). Although I still restrict myself, I am slowly getting back to normal (something that I've been wanting to achieve for a long time) I am now up to 126 lbs but according to my doctors I still need to gain more weight- about 5 more lbs in order for me to get my period back.

And this is what scares me- getting to where I am right now has been a struggle- how can they say I need to gain MORE weight? It's scary getting on the scale (I only weigh myself once a day now) and seeing the numbers so close to the 130s- 140s. I was estremely overweight as a child and thru college and I'm terrified of being overweight again! But at the same time I think to myself, I NEED to gain weight so I can be healthy and get my period. (I want to have kids some day!)

Can anyone offer any advice regarding recovery and how you're dealing with the weight gain? How do you keep your mind off of it? Also, is anyone else experiencing that "double voice" in your head- the "healthy" voice (the one that tells you you need to eat) and the "ana" voice (the one that calls you fat and ugly if you eat food)? How do you battle that? Any advice would be very helpful!
Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:23pm

Hi there,


I keep a food diary but instead of the calories in the foods I eat I write down the good and bad thoughts associated with the foods I've eating, it does help and after a week I can look back and see what certain foods made me feel like.

Heidi

see my pet rats below?  they are so cute and sweet.

 

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Avatar for hmaki123
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:12pm
I am struggling with my ED as well, so I may not have any solid advice for you, however, I really wanted to thank you for sharing your story, struggles, and your amazing triumph. It's because of people like you, the fighters, that allow me to really know i can overcome my ED. I was overweight as a child and extremely overweight as a preteen, teen, and up until like 1-1/2 yrs ago--so I know exactly how you feel and what boat you've been in (I'm 21 right now and a junior in college). I am just proud of how far you've come and the true courage it took for you to seek help.
((HUGS)),
Heather M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 7:52am

hey,
thanks for your message. My nutritionist told me to keep these types of food records and she's set me up on a meal plan (which she constantly says that I fall short on- meaning im not meeting my nutritional needs for the day). I keep a list of the pros and cons of my eating disorder as well as a list of why I shoud continue eating in my purse. Eating out was always a NIGHTMARE for me! But whenever I'm "on the go" I have these lists to keep me motivated to stay healthy.

The scale for some reason is comforting for me. It makes me see that even if I ate a cookie last night- it doesn't have the effect on my weight that I thought it would have. BUt the scale can also work the other way too- making you take control of your weight gain. It's a very scary process.

Is body image a big concern for you? I know it is for me. It's all very frustrating!

Thanks for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:04am

Hey Heather,

Thank you for your kind words. After I told my parents about my disorder and how I was TERRIFIED to eat, my father came up to me and said (and I swear I'll never forget this...)
"Where's my tough girl who didn't cry when she broke her leg on the soccer field?" That really moved me. I didn't change my habits overnight but it certainly made me think- IT'S ONLY FOOD!!!! Food is yummy and delicious! We should NOT be afraid of it- nor ahould we be criticial of our bodies. We're BEAUTIFUL WOMEN! (Sorry if I'm being preachy! :) ) But it's so true.

However, (!) as I write this, I am already worried about what I'm going to eat for lunch. It's a constant struggle. It's like having a split personalilty.

Something that really helped me was thinking about what my father said to me and also by keeping lists of WHY I need to continue my recovery (some days are better than others but it's comforting). Maybe you can find something to keep you motivated to stay healthy and strong. Another factor for me is that I want my period back so I can have kids with my boyfriend one day. Think of goals that will help to motivate you.

I would love for you to share YOUR story- if you're okay with that since it seems like we have a similar background.

Stay Strong! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:09pm

Yes, body image is an issue for me.

Heidi

see my pet rats below?  they are so cute and sweet.

 

<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:39pm

Hi there sheesha and welcome to the ed board.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:55pm

To be completely honest...I'm not really sure why I listen to my ana voice- but I do. Last night I was in hysterics crying over my body because I examined myself in the mirror and saw my fat coming back. I journaled about it like my therapist and nutritionist suggested. The journaling helped somewhat but not much. I still hate the way I look. I just don't feel attractive anymore. I feel worthless. I just want to be nice, slim and trim- but it's not happening. I see my huge thighs and my repulsive stomach. I hate what I see in the mirror and it's effecting my eating habits as well. It's getting more difficult for me to eat. I eventually DO eat but it's counted and very difficult. I wish I could jsut wake up one morning and be normal again and happy with myself. My ana voice won last night.

I keep hearing that negative body image in the last thing to go with my disorder. I wish the ana voice would die. It's so strange that I can hate this voice so much but at times find so much comfort in it. :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 9:07am

I know how you feel, as though I can never feel happy or not anxious around food. I am 5'7 and at my lowest I was like 103 and right now I am like 122-126 depending on time of the month and all that. I have also been about twelve pounds heavier and got that way because I went the other way at one point, being compulsive and eating too much since my restrictive behaviors went full circle. So I struggle not only with sometimes my skewed image in the mirror, but still eating and worrying if I am eating too much terrifies me. I worry about going totally out of control the other way again and not being able to stop. Then I hate myself for the way all of this takes up my time and energy.

I carry a notebook just where I journal what I am eating when and why so to speak. So I can honestly sort of examine if I ate cause I was hungry and needed it...if I also made good, healthy choices or if I did it out of emotion. I feel a bit better and easier on myself if I do this.

Much love to you, I know how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:57pm

Reading that someone else deals with the split personality is a shock and a relief. I've been thinking I have like, two personalities or something.

I have never quite accepted my "eating disorder." I don't really think I have a problem. But I guess I really do. I started at 135 and 5'4"...got down to 95 pounds. After a week of feeling on the brink of death and suffering from pinching chest pains, I took off from work, and started seeing a counsellour for this "double personality." One side of me says: "It's only fruit and bread; you can eat a lot of this and not gain weight!" And then the other side says: "OMG 1700 calories?! You're disgusting! You're going to blimp up and then what will you be? A failure!"

Right now, I'm at 100-102 pounds. I feel like a failure, because I wanted to be 90 pounds, and never got there. Now all I've been eating is fruit and bread and fruit and bread. It's an obsession, and I'm scared to eat anything with real substance. ARGH.

However, it really relieved me to read your post, sheesha. It makes me understand that others have this problem too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 2:10pm

Hi there,


I have been reading over your posts here and need to add something ... that this

 

 

~Diana~

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