hi- in recovery and scared
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:27am |
So, I'm not quite sure how to begin this....but bear with me. I just turned 23 last week and 2006 has been such a terrible year for me. I developed an eating disorder in February. I was denying it at first (as I'm sure most people do) but everyone noticed a change in me after a few months- my family, parents, boyfriend, even my co-workers. It wasn't until I had sharp pains shooting in my hips in the beginning of June that I went to go see my doctor. I was hesitant because I didn't want to get weighed by anyone other than myself and I was scared she would tell me I had to eat. I starved myself for months, became obsessed with food (I had a small notebook I would carry around everywhere with me with all the fat and calorie contents of every food imaginable!), was depressed (I didn't talk to anyone- not even my closest friends), purged (even though I didn't eat), took laxatives regularly, and excercised obsessively. I am 5'8". In February I was 150 lbs- by July I had reached 108 lbs and I still wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. There was a sense of enjoyment in seeing the numbers slide downwards on the scale. "I'm winning!" I thought to myself. I weighed myself about 6 times a day for fear of gaining another pound.
In june, my doctor referred me to a nutritionist and to the Renfrew Center. I was hesitant of both. My doctor was worried b/c I hadn't gotten my period since Feb. (and to this day I still haven't gotten it). Eventually I made an appointment with both the nutritionist and the Renfrew. My nutritionist has helped me so much! I'm not afriad of food anymore (at least not afraid of a good portion of foods). Although I still restrict myself, I am slowly getting back to normal (something that I've been wanting to achieve for a long time) I am now up to 126 lbs but according to my doctors I still need to gain more weight- about 5 more lbs in order for me to get my period back.
And this is what scares me- getting to where I am right now has been a struggle- how can they say I need to gain MORE weight? It's scary getting on the scale (I only weigh myself once a day now) and seeing the numbers so close to the 130s- 140s. I was estremely overweight as a child and thru college and I'm terrified of being overweight again! But at the same time I think to myself, I NEED to gain weight so I can be healthy and get my period. (I want to have kids some day!)
Can anyone offer any advice regarding recovery and how you're dealing with the weight gain? How do you keep your mind off of it? Also, is anyone else experiencing that "double voice" in your head- the "healthy" voice (the one that tells you you need to eat) and the "ana" voice (the one that calls you fat and ugly if you eat food)? How do you battle that? Any advice would be very helpful!
Thank you.

Pages
Hi Heather,
I think it's also people like you that join the fight that helps others.
~Diana~
This post is touching and inspiring as well as a kick in the butt for me ... currently I am dealing with an autoimmune disorder and my appetite is like, nil to none.
~Diana~
Hi bleu,
Welcome in case I forgot!
I really like your profile!
~Diana~
Thank you for the compliment about my profile..
I have a degree in Human Development, with a focus in Child and Adolescent Studies. So I could almost sort of diagnose myself. I studied things such as eating disorders, anxiety, etc.
And I do pretty much try to think of food as fuel. Thing that makes it hard is we live in a world where it is a social thing. All social activities seem to revolve around food. But it is hard for me to "loosen up" and I really don't like having to drag people into my personal business. To explain my little idiosyncries.
An ED to me is sort of in the same family as an any addiction, such as tobacco or drinking...with the exception you do not HAVE to have the others to live. You do have to learn to have food to live. That is the hardest thing. All of this stems from a quest for control yet in time it controls you.
I am getting better at sort of almost laying it out there. Yes I have eating disordered/body image issues. It is part of who I am and I am not ashamed. I am learning to handle it and that is that.
That does help a bit.
Hi,
My relationship with my parents is a difficult one. My therapist and I have been talking and trying to find why I started this in the first place- turns out (according to her) it's b/c of my parents being so restrictive and over bearing/protective of me my whole life....she said it was my form of rebellion. I am really close to my dad and brother. But I've NEVER been able to have a good relationship with my mom. It always seems like she MUST be the center of attention and it aggravates me to no end!!!! If it's not about her- she'll turn it around and back to her. SHe's overly dramatic and just plain unreasonable with everything!
So my therapist said it's my form of rebellion and she also wants to put me on anti-depressants. She said I've been depressed for a long time. No kidding! Really?! I had no freakin' clue! Glad I'm paying her to tell me things I already knew! ::sigh::
I just want all this crap to be over and done with....but this past week has shown me that no matter HOW much i think i'm improving- i'm still dealing with some "ana" thoughts. I feel worthless, alone, revolting, gross, fat, ugly, disgusting, and most of all- stuck. I feel like I can't go anywhere. When I was a teen, I used to cut myself to take the edge off. I'm ashamed of that and wish I had never done it- but at the time it felt good. Like smoking or drinking. Now, I don;t know what to do....I can;t go back and moving forward just seems so difficult and terrifying....
:/
My relationship with my parents is a difficult one. My therapist and I have been talking and trying to find why I started this in the first place- turns out (according to her) it's b/c of my parents being so restrictive and over bearing/protective of me my whole life....she said it was my form of rebellion. I am really close to my dad and brother. But I've NEVER been able to have a good relationship with my mom. It always seems like she MUST be the center of attention and it aggravates me to no end!!!! If it's not about her- she'll turn it around and back to her. SHe's overly dramatic and just plain unreasonable with everything!
This doesn't surprise me at all, sheesha.
~Diana~
I'm glad that you understand how I feel when it comes to my family (esp. my mother). I feel terrible about being so angry towards her but she manipulates situations as well and it's all very frustrating. There are times when I try to open up to her but once I do she immediately says something that makes me realize that she won't change and then I regret telling her anything in the first place.
For the meds- I'm on the fence about this. I know how awful I feel and I know how often I feel awful, but something makes me NOT want to take them. What will people think of me? And being "stuck" just sucks! I'm unsure of how I can fix things....I need to get back to "normal" so I can begin to get my period again (haven't had it since Feburary!!) but at the same time I want to be thin and sexy and beautiful. My boyfriend constantly tells me how beautiful I look and hwo much better i look than a few months ago when I was really "in the thick of it" but a large part of me doesn't believe him when he tells me that- is that normal? I think that he's just trying to be supportive and that I REALLY DON'T look good- I look repulsive but he's just trying to be nice about it.
Grr!!! I just want all this crap to end immediately!!!!
I am trying to get into a yoga class or take a class at a gym. Myabe this will help me vent my anger and frustrations while keeping me toned and (hopefully) happy with my body! What do you suggest?
~Diana~
Pages