I know I need Help...

Avatar for hmaki123
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
I know I need Help...
5
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 7:54pm
But I just feel lost in it all. I'm typing this and in a few minutes I know I'm going to go purge..I had fries, chicken fingers, and a slice of cheesecake..and the guilt in me over gaining any weight over it all is going to cause me to purge and I know it. I tried not purging--but I kept the binge part of the disorder and that wasn't working at all! I lost my 75 lbs the healthy way--I steered away from my bulimia problems for the most part, and then I moved in with my fiancee, who is 6'2" and like 160 lbs..he eats really, really healthy but likes to enjoy a treat every day--and generally he gets me to have it with him so he doesn't have to feel too guilty about eating it. Well, for someone who had to lose 75 lbs--I can't have a treat every day, my metabolism doesn't work that way! So I was trying to get well with my bulimia..but binging was still in the equation. I'm up 10 lbs over the last 3 months! UGH! I feel out of control and stressed--and these feelings are always what brought on my disorder. It was so bad 2 weeks ago that I made myself sick while my fiancee was around and he was so disturbed by it that he didn't know what to do. So he thinks I'm done with it--he thinks it's that easy, but it's not! I've been binging and purging since I was like 16..I'm 21 now. I don't do it every day after every meal..I can go months and months without it..but then I go through a period where I do it 3x's in 1 week. I'm so upset over my recent weight gain that I find myself battling my bulimia again. My pants are tight and I refuse to buy a bigger size because darnit--I worked for 1 year to get into my size 14 from my size 24..I refuse to go back there! But I know being bulimic isn't helping my health at all. I'm starting South Beach tomorrow to really focus on getting the rest of my weight (10 lbs till my goal weight then about 5-10 more for my personal goal) off in a healthy way, but I need to get a grip on my disorder. It's awful. It's not like I start out my day thinking I'm going to overeat and then make myself sick--I start to eat "bad" things and then just think "well i can throw them up, so now's my time to pig out while I can get rid of them all.." ugh :( i bought sensitive teeth toothpaste to help with my sensitivity and to use after I get sick to help prevent that from happening. I feel like I am just aiding my disorder though.
Eating disorders run in my family. My mom was 20 years old and weighed 84 lbs. She was anorexic but in a different way, she ate, just ridiculously--and I mean ridiculously healthy. Boiled chicken, steamed plain veggies, carrots were her only snack. Her body shut down and they thought she was going to die. But she got through it (got pregnant) and got better. But her obsession with weight has loomed over me since I was little. She put me on Weight Watchers when I was only 7! I wasn't overweight for my age, just pudgy, and the ridiculous Dr. (my mom even admits it was ridiculous) let her do it! So there are a lot of issues I need to deal with.
Anyways, thank you for listening--I needed to get it all out and talk to people who I know can relate. Thank you.
Heather M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:19pm

Hi Heather,


I'm so sorry you feel the way you do.

Heidi

see my pet rats below?  they are so cute and sweet.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 12:58pm

Hey there

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for hmaki123
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 5:46pm

Wow..((HUGS)) thank you for sharing because your story feels like my story. I was made fun of since I was little--it started way back in the 1st grade. I was just pudgy--pudgy face, etc..not overweight though, and wow--the kids wee so mean. I used to pretend to be sick just to get out of school because they tormented me so badly. And the people who I thought were my "friends" at that age played with my emotions and for just being kids, they really knew how to be manipulative. They used to pretend to cry and be mad at me for no reason and I was often shun out of the group and teased. They even used my mentally challenged friend against me. I used to help her with schooling and we were best friends, but because she was mentally challenged--the other girls would tell lies to her and get her to not like me every other day, so that hurt so much. Just typing that and reflecting on that really makes me realize how messed up things were. After that, I moved about 4 different times and was made fun of by different groups of people along the way, had two different serious relationships who both ended up cheating on me and then when I ended things they decided to tell me how fat I am, etc. I finally found my finacee, when I was big again (this is the second time I've lost a lot of weight) and he loved me for me and I was happy and lost my weight the healthy way by working out hard and eating really healthy..and then a strain was put on our relationship and I started stressing about my weight after gaining 5 lbs over 4 months (turned 21..ugh lol)..and during a fight he proceeded to say "Oh no, the fat girl is gonna leave me.." and that broke my heart. I'm 175 and 5'8"..I used to work out about every day, so I look a lot smaller. I see myself as the 245 lb girl..and ever since Nathan made that comment..I just keep thinking about everyone who has told me I'm fat ("friends", family, peers, etc). It triggers a lot of things and I am still so hurt from it.
I'm ashamed to tell a Dr. or seek help--just like I was ashamed to tell a counselor how depressed I was when my parents sent me to one. I need to be "perfect" and none of this fits into it. Ugh. I'm hoping this board will help me to eventually go tell someone..b/c things aren't going well now that I have a lot of alone time. I need to go buy a journal.

Thank you for caring.
-Heather M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:45am
Hi, Heather. I can totally relate to your story. I've been struggling with an eating disorder since I was 16. (I'm now 25) I had a baby in February, and have tried so hard for the last year and a half to stop binging and purging. I was able to keep things somewhat under control while pregnant, and I have lost all the pregnancy weight plus 10 lbs. At 5'4 and 125 lbs, though, I still feel very overweight. I work out about 5 - 6 times a week, but I can't get my eating under control. I wake up every day thinking "I'm not going to make myself sick today" but every day I do. I'm so conscious of what I eat, and I eat very healthy, but I feel that I eat too much, and then I need to make myself throw up. And I figure, what the hell, if I'm going to throw up anyway, may as well have something I 'shouldn't' have. I feel like I'm a horrible example for my baby, which in turn makes me a bad mother, and I feel even worse about myself, and the whole cycle starts again. I've never talked to anyone about this so just typing what I've been feeling is very tough. My BF doesn't know, and we've lived together for 4 of the 5 years we've been together. My mom suspected something when I lived at home, so I moved out at 19 to avoid any questioning.
I just happened to find this board today, and I'm hoping someone on here can offer me some advice. I'm so ashamed, and I don't want anyone to know, but I'm at the point where I can't take it anymore, and I need to stop. I'm so scared that I will gain weight if I stop.
Thanks for listening....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:38pm

Hey, (((miss_alynn)) and welcome to the ed board.


You are NOT a bad mother!!

 

 

~Diana~