New Girl again needing support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
New Girl again needing support!
4
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 9:25pm
Hello again everyone.
I posted the other day and did not get any replies. I suppose I didn't ask for help or ask any questions...
All the same I have been struggling with restrictive eating, binging and purging for a couple of years now.
I was 220 pounds at my heaviest (always was overweight since childhood) and now weigh 110 lbs. My lightest was 100 lbs. I lost weight and reached my goal with L.A. Weightloss. I set a realistic goal weight of 139 starting from 209. I hit that weight in Jauary 2005. I wanted to be around 120 ideally so I kept it up. I got there but in the process developed scary, weird emotions etc. about food... my ED. I guess I ahve always had weird felings with food- used to use it for comfort and that's how I weighed 220 lbs.
I am happy at my current weight although I am told I could still gain a few. I am seeing a therapist and a nutrtional counselor both of whom specialize in treating people with EDs. It is going well. Just having a registered dietician tell me I can eat more sort of makes me feel not so guilty when I actually eat a normal amount of food.
I still relapse and binge and purge. Some weeks are good, some are not. I notice it happens to me after a few drinks I lose control. There are other triggers, but that's a sure bet. I did it last night but was able to stop myself, did not purge and the binge wasn't too too much. I bawled to my bf and got it all out- he has been fantastic through this and is the one who begged me (in tears) to get help along with close friends and family after I "came out" to them. I have to get better for myself, I know, but it helps to be honest with those I love and have their support in addition to my therapy. I can call them or think of them when I am going to binge or am not letting myself eat when I am starving and think "Hey, this would hurt them to know I am hurting myself."
It's not the amount of food, it's HOW you eat it. In secret, feeling ashamed, stupid, eating weird food combinations, eating a million miles per hour and usually until I feel like I am literally going to explode if I don't purge. Then the self-loathing, the tears, the promises to never ever do it again. I will reach a point when I am being "bingey" with eating where I have eaten too much, I know it's been done in an unhealthy manner, but if I stopped I could just let the food digest and live with it (like last night) and I have not yet reached that uncomfortable zone- but then consciously decide that "Hey, I might as well go insane and eat EVERYTHING I can fit into my poor body since I can throw a lot of it up." So off I go. Sigh.
It's HARD as you know. But no one ever promised us a rose garden and we CAN get better and be healthy and love ourselves. Let's stop tourturing our bodies and minds and let ourselves be part of the world again instead of obsessing about something as stupid as food.
It's not rebelious to eat a gallon of icecream and a jar of peanut butter. Let's take the emotions we are feeling and live with them instead of hiding them with the perfectionism of restrictive eating, the unhealthy abandon of binging and the self-hate of purging. Let's learn to take that beautiful energy and do something positive with it even if it's something as little as taking a walk around the block and noticing how fantastic the world and all of it's creatures are.
It's important to not beat yourself up and if you restrict, binge, overeat, purge, whatever your ED, just feel the emotions and know that they are all part of being the wonderful human that you are. It's okay to be frustrated, tired, angry, pissed at the world, whatever. It's also okay to think you look great and that you have a fantastic smile or cute freckles- it's okay to feel good AND bad.
Don't hate yourself or think your disordered eating is invalid- or that ANY of your problems are invalid. You wouldn't be feeling something if it wasn't real. Face it, fight it and love yourself. Take care of your body. The next time you are falling into that deep, dark, scary hole of ED (that's how it feels to me) remember who you are: a worthwhile, wonderful person who deserves better.
Phew. I could go on and on. But there's my second post and I hope we can all talk. I send my love to all of you who are hurting today and if you can't be strong for yourself, do it for me!
I am trying my hardest and with your help, I know I can do it! You can too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:13am
Welcome to the board. Congratulations on being able to tell your friends and lvoed ones about your eating disorder. Only a select few know that I have been labeled with eating disorder not specified since I carry characteristics of both anoerexia and bulimia. Just here recently I went to my school psychologist to have a formal evaluation boy was that scary. I feel like I should tell my mother but I don't know how. She has been through so much in the past year. I don't know how much more she can take. She is a rape survivor whom I believe is battling post traumatic stress disorder. You sound like you have some really great people in your corner. I am so exhausted between school, home and keeping my ED active I don't have much time for anything else. I am still trying to come to terms with how I could have traits of both extremes why couldn't I just have one or the other. Feel free to email me anytime you need or want to talk. Thanks for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 2:58pm

Hello! Welcome to the board!


I hope that other members read your post and feel inspired to continue their recovery with a sense of confidence. Recovery is a whole new lifestyle change that relies a good bit on you having a positive and realistic attitude. It sounds like you are on your way! Just remember on those bad days what you said, "No one ever promised us a rose garden..." Recovery is never easy and it maybe the hardest thing you'll ever go through but you will come out stronger, more confident, and healthier.


Good luck to you on your recovery. I wish you continued success.


catherine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 3:11pm
sorry I didnt reply, I too am new to the board and jump in every so often.
I think what you said was fantastic, and I hope others will read what you wrote and gain strength from it.
I do not think anyone fully recovers from the disorder and there are some who never want to recover unfortunatly i am one of them...I am not saying I dont want to recover but I am 31 almost 32 and I think that it is too late for me..sad but I have always had faith in other people and wish that they will become healthy and happy..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:18pm
Oh no! It's never too late for anything or anyone! This is your health we're talking about! You are still SO young anyway! Please stay positive, I know it hurts and it's hard, but you can talk to me! I'll have your back. I might not check in everyday but I will check in and look for you! Take care!