hope fading, guide me (poss. triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
hope fading, guide me (poss. triggers)
6
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 1:32am

I don't know how to begin this, an introduction to all my pitiful issues that I am trying to deal with on a day-to-day basis? I've never told a soul of what I'm going through and I am very sorry if this triggers anyone to do anything harmful to themselves. I just need some help. I've read the boards at one time or another; I see similarities, but I would like for some of you guys to guide *me* as an individual. I guess I'll just begin..

My mother passed away in July of 2005, shortly after my high school graduation and right before I was to attend college and live on campus. Basically in a nut shell, my life more or less has fell apart since then. I went half the continent away from my life to live with my father at his apartment. I had no purpose at that point; I felt dead inside. I thought that I'd get myself into something, but I didn't want to have some meager job at a grocery store. So, my father mentioned modeling and, well, I jumped for it. In September, I met with a nice agency and signed up. I began taking professional model courses. I did a couple fashion shows, had a beautiful shoot with a New York photographer in January. My classes ended in March. I was happy on the outside, I guess. It wasn't quite a steady job, but it kept me together.

Throughout this time, I obviously tried to maintain a low weight. I had already lost a lot since before my mother died, I dropped my 5'7 frame from 140-ish to 120. After she died, I lost a little bit more-- down to 115. I dropped to 110 by October. By December of 2005, I was ranging from 103 to 105. How? Well, I ate very little and I walked constantly. You see, where I was living at the time, we were basically out in the middle of no where. Yes, I was 30 miles from a nice metropolitan city, and yet there was nothing where I lived with my dad. A lot of older folks resided there. I had not much to do with myself except for the weekends with my classes/model assignments. So, I would be left to myself-- I would walk for an hour or two in the morning, my dad would come home for lunch. I would hardly eat then, and when he left, I would proceed to walk vigorously for 1-3 hours until he came home for the day around 5. My dinners would consist mostly of broiled fish, chicken, lean cuisine dinners and such. Any time I would eat something a bit unhealthy, like a cinnamon roll for instance, I would basically await the next chance to burn it off my merely walking like a maniac through the town. Even when it would rain and snow, I would walk and nothing could keep me from it. I've read somewhere that this is a form of bulimia. I see now that it was. However, my body was hardly as abused as it is now.

Throughout this, I weighed myself constantly. Every morning, midday, sometimes night. I'm quite surprised my father didn't notice anything strange about my habits-- he thought I was just trying to be healthy. I didn't make any close friends out there. So, in turn, I would spend my weekends with my dad and we would go places together. We would eat out, and I probably seemed healthy to him as I ate normal then. I believe I truly did.

However, fast forward back to that May, this past May. I was to attend a convention in Orlando for models, acting and the like in July. I signed up for it (it was not free by any means). I had to go to meetings and practices for the competition for runway, swimsuit. I even did a little acting which was not my cup of tea. I was weighed in weekly probably about 8 weeks before the actual convention and I believe this may have triggered something, or else it was just a long time coming. I had tried the purging before, perhaps years before, and yet I never succeeded. But it came and went. I succeeded in something, and then I didn't hold back. In my weekly weigh-ins, I weighed in the lightest-- I was nearing the 100 mark with all my clothes on. My agent even told me that I had to gain. I told myself I should, but I didn't. Shortly after I first binged and purged, the convention came. I more than likely was under 100 during that week or so because I ate nothing but salads. When I came back from all the pressure, I decided to gain some and I did; my weight neared 110 or so. I was happy with myself; nothing had came for me out of the modeling with the convention, but I was happy with my health. The only sort of sad thing was that my father lost his job while I was away. We were to move back home to my family-- my older sister and two brothers. But that wasn't really sad because my dad was unhappy with his job anyway and the family would be back together again.

Then the lights went out on me again. My brother took his life in mid July, less than a year after my mother. I was broken. I cannot express how much suffering I felt, and what I feel now. My weight dropped again to 105, with the help of anorexia. Then I gained it back with bulimia. Since my brother's passing, my health has gone out of control. I'm to go to college finally this January and I do have a normal little retail job. Since I moved back to my home, I've connected with another model agency and I've gotten some work out of it. I'm alone all the time because my sister works all day and my father has another job out of state. My other living brother doesn't come around too much. I have nothing to grasp onto but probably one close friend-- of course, I never told her of my problem.

But, as I said, the bulimia is winning over me. I binge on junk, eat very little protein, and most of the time I get rid of it. My weight is pretty normal considering what it has been. I'm now ranging between 110-115. If I go beyond that though, I start to freak. I just have to release. To top this all off, I recently began smoking again. I don't know how to break it and even if I did, I don't know if I would want to. I know this is not what anyone would want for me, but a lot of the time, when I get down to think about it all, I feel that this is what I deserve. I'm very selfish inside, really. I see it clearly now. One would think that I have a lot going for myself since I'm so young and "beautiful" and I'll be getting my whole college education starting, but I simply do not see it. I'm killing myself softly. I know that I just need some counseling. Probably more. Someone just reply back, give me some hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:38am

Of course, anonym87, we are here for you.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 12:49pm
First of all, I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. You must be an amazingly strong person just to have survived. I understand the pain of grief and it is like no other. It's certainly a process that you have to go through to heal from it and I reccommend therapy for that alone. Please continue to come here for support, but PLEASE PLEASE seek some professional help to talk about your mother and brother AND your ed. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Remind yourself of that first thing every morning. It is possible that a therapist might reccomend medication for depression or anxiety. It sounds like you do some "exercise bulimia" which I do as well, but long walks do help get your head on straight. Just don't use it as a means to be unhealthy. Use it for normal exercise and for mental well-being. Again, get it all out on this board. We are all here for you! We understand the pain of ed and want to help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 1:25pm

Well said, lillylove.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 12:10pm
Thanks! I do try to take care of myself, and I hope you do the same!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:01pm

Everyone has a little piece of hope in their hearts that sometimes they tuck away -

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:13am

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and then your brother. Anyone, including me who is fighing an eating disorder is using the only thing he/she knows how to do to deal with such a horrific situation. I lost my mom when I was about 30, which is a lot older than you are, but to add the tragidity of a young sibiling's suicide, it is hard for me to imagine what you are going through.

I understand the weight issue and the cycle of binging/purging and restricting. I am 39 and have been doing that since I was in my early 20's. Even though it is not a good coping skill, you are trying to control something in your life. If there is anything I can do to be a support to you, please let me know. You are around the same age as 3 of my nieces and all I would want to do for them, like you is to be someone who can listen to what you are dealing with and try to support you any way I can. I think it is important that you go to a Grief and Loss Group because that is where you will find the support of others who are dealing with some of the same feelings you are.

When I lost my mom, I felt like I was totally alone. She was the parent who was there for me, after my father finally left when I was 15. I think the loss of someone you care about especially a family member is something that takes years to deal with. You have to understand that the grief process is as long as you need to accept what has happened and are able to not think of her or your brother everyday. This is going to be a tough holiday season for you even if you have a loving father and other siblings, the tragic loss of your brother and mom, will not be easy this year.

You wonder why you dropped weight after you mom and brother died, it is probably because of fear and grief. If someone tells you after a year you should be over it, don't listen to them, we all have our own time table.

By the way your obsessive exercise after you eat is definetly a sign of both anorexia and bulimia. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or a nutritionist? It is not because you are crazy, because you aren't. But your major losses have contributed to this problem. I think if you can deal with a group, a counselor, or a nutritionist, you will see how the realtionship between your losses and your eating disorder are related.

Please let me know how you are doing, just add @yahoo.com to my user name. Hang in there and surround yourself with as much support as you can right now.

Sue
katiesue35@yahoo.com