wow i can't believe it's been...trigs
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| Tue, 11-21-2006 - 6:45am |
wow i can't believe it's been so long...
I just decided to take a trip down memory lane and looked up my old posts. At first I wanted to see when the last time I was here was so I would know where to update you from and then I decided to go back to the "beginning of time" and see what I wrote when I started. That was back in 1999.
In any case the last time I was here was April! At that point I was going to a support group and expressive arts at an eating disorder centre in Burlington, Ont. called Danielle's Place. oh and if you want to see my work from the expressive arts group and art therapy groups that I've done there since I've last been here go to:
http://s21.photobucket.com/albums/b278/ajs_photos/expressive%20arts%20group/
and
http://s21.photobucket.com/albums/b278/ajs_photos/Art%20therapy/
I've gotten so wrapped up in my eating disorder and depression since then.
I had mentioned my weight gain with Depakote and was at that point 127lbs. That was "heavy" for me and 10lbs above my previous set point weight, which I had said was heavy for my frame. At that point I think I had just come off the Depakote and that's where the initial 8 lbs had come off on it's own.
After that I went crazy with exercise and lost 12lbs in a month. Finally at a normal weight, I couldn't stop there and I think that's when I went from in control of the eating disorder (Jan-Apr) to it controlling me.
I've been fooling myself into thinking that I didn't have a problem. My dx is ED-NOS which I laughed off. I don't fit the criteria for anorexia because my weight wasn't at 85% of normal and I hadn't lost my period. The rational response is that my eating was still disordered and people don't lose their periods until they get to a certain fat % not weight and it depends on their body structure. I didn't lose my period when I was at my lowest weight andmy therapist said I was a "bonafide anorexic". Plus I am now below 85% of a normal weight.
Still I feel fat, surprise surprise.
My rings are spinning on my fingers (and I even got my pinky ring on my ring finger) and my smallest clothes are hanging off me, but I still can't convince myself that I'm skinny. Instead of saying that's the size my fingers should be I look at my rings and say "man are those big, my fingers should never have been that size". I look at my old set point weight (which I wanted to get back down to when I started) and say "that's way to heavy (unless you can get muscular again, which was my goal when I started exercising)". I look at my bigger clothes and say "only a cow would fit into those".
I finally got into a community mental health clinic (not the original one because I moved out of their area) and am seeing a new pdoc and no tdoc. I don't see my family dr either although I have an appointment in a week or two to discuss the discharge sheet from the hospital.
I am still going to Danielle's Place and volunteer there when I am there early before group. Currently I go to art therapy, yoga and the support group.
Well I'm sorry for going on so long.
I promise that I will post shorter posts more frequently, get back into my quote of the day, reply to your posts from now on and maybe even post a few things that I do as CL on my other boards.
Sorry for being away, I've missed you.
Amanda
co-cl of the Self-Injury board
co-cl of the Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board
cl of the Borderline Personality Disorder board


Ah, don't sweat it Amanda, and there are no rules about post length.
~Diana~
Since I've been out of the hospital I haven't been keeping my food diaries and weighing myself (my scale is at home and not where I've been staying), which has helped me change the focus a bit. I got on the scale yesterday and had gained but I'm still okay with it, which is a huge step for me.
The depression and eating disorder have consumed me and now I'm trying to climb out of that pit. I'm going to see my pdoc tomorrow. I let you know how things go.
Today was moving day and it went well except for a little crying spell and feeling completely overwhelmed and I know that I will be uncomfortable until everything is set up and organized and i have only one week to do it because then I'm going away for the rest of Christmas holidays. After that it's back to school.
I overate today because I was so stressed, between the move and how fat I've been feeling lately and the depression not really getting better and now my best friend's depression and suicidality. At least there's no pizza left that I will "have" to eat tomorrow.
Hi Amanda,
Just caught up on your posts.
~Diana~
Things have been going well. I really like her. At times I don't, but that's the borderline personality abandonment issues happening. I've been seeing her since the spring and we've been dealing with my eating and mood. I had been keeping a food/exercise/weight journal and mood chart, but I've stopped doing that. I'm going